Regret

Posted on November 20, 2016 by sstyves

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An angel kneels at the tomb of someone who has passed on. Buried with that person are all the dreams, successes, failures, and regrets that were experienced in life. No opportunity to redo what has been left undone or poorly executed. These days no gold or treasure in the coffin accompany the body on the next leg of the journey. But what about the regrets that we might experience looking back over life?

I watched a Christmas movie tonight entitled Last Holiday where the lead character is told she has weeks to live. She quits her job, cashes in all her money and goes on an adventure. She wiggles her way into people’s hearts and has the time of her life, taking risks she would never have done had she not been diagnosed with a terminal illness with a short shelf life. The Hollywood ending is that the doctors made an error and she can go on to live a new, courageous life, now that she has learned the lesson of breaking free of her fears and limits.

I have already said that I do not have many regrets. I have been working on checking dreams from a life list for over 25 years. During my 40th year, I set out to look at the fears that held me back from living fully.  The work I have ahead of me in the coming months is to figure out what I still must learn in life, what amends must be made, where to focus my energies, what to retreat from, what to embrace, who to spend time with, and how to just be in so many ways. I also hope to explore my regrets.

I think one of the regrets I have is leaving early and I want to spend some time embracing that.  In my new home, I find myself marveling at the sky. I sit and stare from this high up in wonder. Each night a different sunset lights up the horizon and each morning is never the same. God’s mercy is similar. Each day, it greets us with what we need to take our breathe away. I want to be able to peacefully leave and to make sure that I know what I have regretted in life. I suspect by doing so it will give me a happy ending–a chance to do things differently and become my best self–a better version of who I already am. I want to look at my sin history and creaturehood as Ignatius encouraged in hopes of finding freedom from attachments that do not allow me to behave properly or make wise decisions.

We all have some regrets–words we have said that we would take back, decisions that lead us to somewhere different than we had hoped, actions that hurt people, dreams not acted on, relationships broken and not repaired, opportunities missed, God-callings ignored, and gratitude not expressed. How we deal with regrets is important. If it leads to desolation and irrational decisions then we are lead away from God.  If we can embrace the process and keep our eyes on God, then we can be in consolation and learn the lessons we need to transition well.  I look forward to that work now. Not everyone gets this chance.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What regrets do you have in life?

Are there valuable lessons to learn from them that would bring healing?

Prayer

Show me, God, where I have failed in life and how I must change. Give me peace of mind as I look back over my sin history and see with your eyes my life. Amen.

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Dear every cancer patient I ever took care of, I’m sorry. I didn’t get it.

Posted on November 18, 2016 by sstyves

I’m rebogging this because much of what she says rings true in my situation. Thanks for the honesty and thoughtfulness of this post. Lindsay, almost all of my health care team have been fabulous but there are a few that just didn’t get it. I am grateful most are compassionate even if they have not been there themselves.

Lindsay Norris's avatarHere Comes the Sun

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Dear every cancer patient I ever took care of, I’m sorry. I didn’t get it.

This thought has been weighing heavy on my heart since my diagnosis. I’ve worked in oncology nearly my entire adult life. I started rooming and scheduling patients, then worked as a nursing assistant through school, and finally as a nurse in both the inpatient and outpatient settings. I prided myself in connecting with my patients and helping them manage their cancer and everything that comes with it. I really thought I got it- I really thought I knew what it felt like to go through this journey. I didn’t.

I didn’t get what it felt like to actually hear the words. I’ve been in on countless diagnoses conversations and even had to give the news myself on plenty of occasions, but being the person the doctor is talking about is surreal. You were trying to…

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We Are All Broken

Posted on November 14, 2016 by sstyves

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I have had an emotional week. The election in the US did not help but a number of conversations with women unrelated to the vote have nudged their way into my psyche.  I cannot share details but I can tell you that I know too many women who are broken. Layer this on to the results of the election and I wonder how much damage will be done to girls and women around the world. We are all so broken and the threat of more shattering seems real.

Yesterday Doors of Mercy shut around the world in Catholic Churches. The one in the photo was one of the official doors I walked through several times on my spring pilgrimage. I had this sense that once was not enough. I walked through several unofficial doors during this year too, wanting to have each drop of mercy permeate my entire being. I am broken too and I long for healing. We will need Mercy beyond this one year mark. We will always need Mercy to balance all that threatens our sanity and safety.

This week I heard stories of violence–great physical and emotional injury. I listened to brave and courageous women tell me that they had more than survived. They had been able to move past the pain, betrayal, hatred, and control that should have destroyed them. I marveled at it on the one hand but I grieve for the infrastructure that creates such scenarios. Not everyone I spoke to though is moving forward; some are still caught up in the sorrow of what happened. I have had conversations this week with people who stand to lose a sense of security south of the border but even in my country will struggle to not be broken watching the hatred that has already reared its ugly, hateful head.

What is my role in this story? I have listened and affirmed individuals this past week. Over the years I have volunteered with organizations that seek healing and justice for the oppressed and abused. I have played with children at centres for abused women while their mothers have had counseling; I have been part of an interfaith group to learn about other religions than my own; I volunteer at a prison;  I hope that my queer friends know that I am an ally; for over 30 years I banged my head against walls in the Deaf community. All this, yet I catch myself this week not showing Mercy myself at times. I see the darkness inside of me and know that I am sinner. I see my own brokenness and limited capacity to judge fairly. We are all broken to various degrees and all of us are in need of Mercy.

The sadness in my heart from the tales I have heard this past week is wrestling with peace, rather than welcoming it in for a dialogue. I feel anger brewing as a result but I know that Mercy will find its way and so will I.  I wish I could take a magic wand and sweep the pain away for my women friends. I hope that being a listener to an anguish-filled memory will help heal some of the hurt that individuals have carried for years.

The official Doors of Mercy are closed, but I pray that we may all keep them open in our own hearts.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Where has Mercy been lacking in your own heart lately?

Who do you need to extend Mercy to?

Prayer

Doors may close on the one hand, God, but nothing good can be shut out forever.  Your Love and Mercy prevail. Keep my heart open to Good. May I be ever vigilant to not spreading hatred and division. Show me the path of righteousness and steady my steps when the road gets rough.  Amen.

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Settling In

Posted on November 9, 2016 by sstyves

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I know there are important world events unraveling, or rather unfolding, but I have not really put my attention there beyond the first few hours of the morning. I watched Hillary’s speech and wept. Not because I was a great fan but rather because I simply, like many women in the world, wonder how such a disrespectful man could become the president of a nation that is a democracy.  I wept because of what this means to females on a different level.  My country too has an issue with the glass ceiling. Yes, we have had a woman prime minister but she did not even survive six months in office. Why is it that the so-called developing world has us beat in the gender game? A senior at my church maybe had the best line of the post-election rhetoric when she said that she could not understand how a country that large and powerful could not come up with two qualified candidates to run.

That said before I went on with my day, I was simply grateful that God is still ruler of the universe and I entrust the plan there, knowing that somehow I might be of service to a desired outcome, though unlikely on a broad scale. God has done crazy things before. Pope Francis comes to mind as a surprise candidate to change the world. At his election, many thought the Church might step backwards into the Dark Ages but clearly the Spirit was blowing. Once I reconciled that thought, I turned my energies to these past few months.

I feel behind on many things–emails, thank yous, rest, planning, and a never-ending to-do list. As I settle into my new home, I am grateful for all those who helped move, pack, declutter, feed, and encourage me. Slowly, I am rising from the weariness of all that and looking at catching up on other people’s lives,  completing some tasks, and setting out a plan.  I am enjoying God paint spectacular sunrises out my front window. Every morning, I stand at the kitchen window and breathe, gazing upon the cross. I am beginning to settle in and it feels good. Tonight, I pulled out a table cloth that I had never used at my former place and it made me smile to see it again. Every day I add a little something to my surroundings and it delights me to call the space home in a different way.

I am also getting around to ordering the furniture from the party donations. I have selected the style and have some fabric choices.  Hopefully next week I can dedicate some time for that. I also am thinking of the scholarship fund that was established in my name and know that I need to get serious about promoting that too. Today I saw my financial advisor to begin to organize a few other tasks that need to be done. What I notice is that there is a certain amount of energy for these items which I did not have when I was looking for a place to live. That made me think of people who are poor who cannot find the energy to engage in social justice issues because the daily grind is enough to take on.

I find that I am much calmer than I have been in a while and that is a gift. If you are one of the people who I keep saying that I want to see you, know that I mean it. I miss a number of people in my life and wish I had more energy. If I have not thanked you for a generous act or a kind word, know that I thank God every morning and each night for all of those who are praying for me or plodding along with me.  I look forward to regaining my energy bit by bit and to focusing on getting back on track. Thanks for your patience and understanding.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What does home mean to you?

What are you grateful for right now?

Prayer

You are still in charge, Creator God, and whatever happens, you are Sovereign. I pray for women who your Son Jesus respected and appreciated.  I pray for world leaders everywhere that they may listen to your voice and be shining light to all who struggle in the darkness. Have mercy on us, and save us. Amen.

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Direct My Heart

Posted on November 6, 2016 by sstyves

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Macabees is a hard read. One son after another is killed for his faith, with their mother encouraging them on before she also refuses to deny her God.  They all put their trust in God and believe that their lives are worth more than another day on earth. God will raise them up and that is enough for each one of them.

The resurrection is the tricky question in the Gospel too. The cunning riddle that the Saudduces who do not believe in such a thing is an attempt to discredit Jesus but his answer shows that with our human minds we cannot understand heavenly mysteries. Often we try to play games with Christ and then fail miserably. The Second Reading from 2 Thessalonians 2 guides us towards a better road: May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ.  If I but keep my eyes on the Trinity, then perhaps I will find a way to lay down my life for my faith too. If I come to the Lord, asking for only love and grace, and say this will suffice, I will be in good company. This was St. Ignatius’ prayer.  If I know that if I come to the steadfastness of Christ and place all my worries in those wounded hands, I think I will be in good hands.

I have always said that whatever happens since my diagnosis is a win-win situation. Like the family in Macabees, I hope I will not curse my God for any suffering that may come. I pray that I may not renounce him and I cling to the hope that I will see my Saviour face to face when that day arrives.  I pray that whatever happens will draw people to the Creator.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Would you renounce your faith if necessary to save your life?

How will you choose to direct your heart?

Prayer

Take my heart, O God, and direct it to the path you wish me to take. Give me only your love and grace as that shall be sufficient. I will trust you and be faithful to you alone. Amen.

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Middle Lane

Posted on November 5, 2016 by sstyves

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I spent some time living in the USA for awhile and when friends and I used to drive down afterwards to visit, I shared my secret of getting around the city: Stay in the middle lane. It was simple really. With exits on both the left and right side of the freeway, driving in the middle lane allowed for a graceful exit.  It decreased the panic of trying to get over several lanes when vehicles were zipping along at breakneck speeds. It increased confidence.

I wonder lately if that is my coping mechanism now. Stay in the middle lane. Do not let fear overtake you. Trust in the driver and seek help from the co-pilots. You have time to get where you are going. You can maneuver a graceful exit. I do not feel a need to seek out extreme measures to outrun the cancer that is within me. Neither do I deny its existence. I am in the middle–I accept it and yet I try to maintain a positive outlook on life.  I am not ignoring it but I am not giving it more attention than it should have.

Some days, like these past few weeks, I plug along, one foot in front of the other, tired because the old me does not really exist so much anymore. That energizer bunny has faltered but not fallen over. She still bangs the cymbals together most days. Today, for instance, was a catch up day, trying to do a number of things that I had fallen behind on and yet still carving out time for a long walk because exercise is important to me too. The day was glorious — who would have thought that one could still be in sandals in November? I loved the sunny skies and the chance to be outside without being bundled up. I appreciated that I almost felt like my old self for awhile, checking off many things on my to-do list, including sending off a Christmas package to Europe which might even arrive on time this year.

I love it when the middle lane is a comfortable place to be. I am grateful for the smooth, stress-free ride.  When I first moved to the USA, I was glad that someone else did the driving. She was familiar with freeways, unlike this prairie girl who had not yet clocked a lot of highway miles. I have returned several times and the first time, before I figured out I was capable of managing the road, I was scared. My mantra became stay in the middle lane. So now, with the cancer diagnosis, I choose the middle path too. I do not wish fear to overtake me or create panic. I mostly do a pretty decent job of staying in the middle.

I have not let the diagnosis stop me from traveling, enjoying life, laughing, dreaming, and serving God. It is soon to be 10 months since the prognosis came down and I do not hear that clock ticking so much any more.  That does not mean that I can slide into apathy. I have much to do during whatever time is left. Now that I have begun to settle into my new place, I can seriously look at making arrangements and finally start to consider how best to spend each day. I need to start carving out a master plan, but I do not need to barrel down the freeway wildly.

With patience and trust, I will keep going forward serenely. I am sure there will be detours and lunatics on the road with me that I will need to watch out for. Construction might rattle me from time to time. Some will tailgate and others will zip past me, maybe even flipping me the bird. How others manage the road is mostly not my concern. I will keep my eyes on the Creator and follow the direction I am led.  I pray for the grace to stay in the middle, a place where I am comfortable and calm.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

How are you driving down the freeway of life?

What are your coping strategies when the going gets tough?

Prayer

Creator, if life is a four-lane freeway, help me stay in the middle and keep my eyes on you. Let me breathe and be calm no matter what obstacles come my way. Teach me to enjoy the ride and the view. Grant me patience and courage. Amen.

 

 

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Lesson From Job

Posted on November 2, 2016 by sstyves

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For I know that my Redeemer lives… These words were proclaimed at my sister’s memorial service 20+ years ago by her close and longtime childhood friend.  They are usually part of the First Reading on All Soul’s Day and every time I hear them, my heart feels a pang of sorrow slice through it.  I could hardly breathe that day. I remember standing at the pulpit, looking out at the mourners gathered, seeing the pain on their faces, and wondering if I could get through the Second Reading from Romans that says nothing can separate  us from the love of Christ.

Job knew the truth – his redeemer – my Redeemer – lives and on the last day he would see God face-to-face – and so will I. Job has everything stripped away from him that is near and dear to his heart.  Every attachment  is destroyed. His friends come to his assistance but they do not understand. As much as they try to offer consolation,  they miss what is needed. Job rails against God until God reminds Job of his creaturehood.   I may not always like  what happens in life. I may get angry with God about the hand that people are dealt but in the end I know that my Redeemer lives.  This is enough for me, as it was for Job.

On this holy Feast Day, I remember my sister. I think of my beloved grandmother who  taught me so much about being faithful.  The other day as I was unpacking I came across the cross that used to hang in her home. It is one of two things that I have actually hung on the wall in the new place. It feels right to have a piece of her here with me.   At mass today, my mind conjured up a number of faces that have disappeared from this earth and are now with our Redeemer.  As my mind tends to wander these days, I wondered when my name will be placed in the urn at the front of my church community and whose heart will feel the pang of pain on All Soul’s Day.

This day though I received good news. The latest blood test shows that despite having cancer that I am well, all things considered. In fact, some of the results show that I am improved from a year ago when I was so sick.  When I saw my oncologist, she said that I looked great, that phrase that everybody says. I do appreciate it when I hear it from the doctors though. She has approved a missions trip in January.  I reminded her that the timeframe that I am to go away was originally given as my expiration date. She laughed, put her fingers on her nose and wiggled them at me, saying she loves it when her patients prove her wrong.  I am grateful that I am doing so well and not yet joining all those souls on my mind today and my Redeemer. Thanks be to God!

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What souls are you missing today?

Does your Redeemer live?

Prayer

Beloved Redeemer,  I know that you live and on the last day I will see you face to face. Redeemer,  thank you for your grace and mercy, today and always. Amen.

 

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Merciful to All

Posted on October 30, 2016 by sstyves

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The Book of Wisdom is a beautiful book and the First Reading is poetic, describing how God loves all things that exist and with mercy forgives all our shortcomings.  The Creator loves all creation.We see this in the Gospel of Luke 19 too, with how gentle and loving Jesus is with Zaccheus.  I always think of Taize when I read this particular Gospel, as it was there in France when I understood that Jesus longs to be with us today in our surroundings.  God who creates us, takes great delight in us before we can tidy our dwelling.

These readings are a reminder that God does not ask us to be perfect or ready before lavishing us with Love.  We can go to extreme measures to be get a look at this God such as climbing a tree, but the reality is that God knows we are there and the desire that is in our hearts to be one with the Holy. We may think we are a speck that God will not ever notice, but Wisdom is clear: You love all things that exist. This means me…as I am, as unworthy as I may feel, and as worthy as I am.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Do you believe that God is merciful and accepts you as you are?

To what lengths would you go to see Jesus?

Prayer

Do you see me,  Jesus, in that tree, my heart filled with the desire to see you? Yes, you see me even before I am there, and you know I love you. You are merciful and delight in your creation. Thanks be to God.  Amen.

 

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Hard Pressed

Posted on October 29, 2016 by sstyves

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The First Reading today is a hard one to hear and comprehend and yet I am exactly there–hard pressed, as Paul says in Philippians 1: For to me, living is Christ and dying is gain. If I am to live in the flesh , that means fruitful labour for me; and I do not know which I prefer.  I am hard pressed between the two: my desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better; but to remain in the flesh is more necessary for you. I have said from the beginning that this is a win-win situation for me. I know that for those who will remain it is not the same dilemma. However a funeral I attended today assured me that we must all be ready to go or to stay, depending on what is asked of us.

An elder who was a faithful servant in my parish died this week. He had been sick earlier this year but a sudden turn in health changed the outcome of an expected recovery from what I have heard. This man leaves a beautiful legacy in the Catholic world.  In our faith community, we will know a hole. His grieving family believes this octogenarian should have remained a while longer. However at the prayers last night and the funeral today, the presider was clear that this man knew where Home was as much as he loved his earthly dwelling and all that it entailed.

The priest’s words stirred my heart at several points during both these celebrations. We are called to serve and this man knew how to do that. He had fruitful labours. He was not so self-absorbed that his life was about him. He created change for the better that glorified God and benefited the multitudes. He did not only work for Catholics but improved educational opportunities for others too. The priest wove his life story into a fascinating tale that made me smile. I could imagine that St. Peter met him at the Gate, threw it wide open, and gleefully invited in this good and faithful servant. May we all be so blessed.

I watch funerals now with a different sense. I notice things I might not have seen before.  Last night as I approached the casket, I smiled at the small teddy bear tucked in by his waist and wondered if a grandchild had put it there. We had cremated my sister with one of her stuffies too. I wondered what my family might put in my coffin. The prayers were beautiful. Most people have stopped having them but I like them when they are done properly as they were last night. Readings were proclaimed to comfort those gathered, stories were shared, and the prayer of the deceased’s namesake saint was recited. People had a chance to talk in a smaller, informal manner afterwards. Small groups lingered, deep in conversation. Community is so crucial at moments like this.

Today, as the procession went forward at the beginning, I wondered for the first time who might be my pallbearers.  I get so distracted at funerals now.  By the time they had reached the front of the church I had four male friends lined up in my head and wondered if women could be pallbearers.  The presider did a wonderful job of explaining the purpose of the pall, crucifix and Book of the Gospels. The inclusion around the Eucharist was thoughtful and compassionate. The whole of the service seemed uplifting and gentle. I want this, my inner being seemed to say. I tried to imagine my Jewish and Muslim friends at such a celebration. There was a great deal of talk about Jesus and I wondered if my non-believer (agnostic/atheist) friends would be uncomfortable but I knew that the words I was hearing were exactly what I wanted said. Jesus is my Beloved. I live to praise, honour and serve him. It is that simple. As much as I love my life here and will gladly and gratefully accept each day I am given in order to continue to labour fruitfully, I also desire to be with Jesus. I am hard pressed to decide but for now I choose to stay and relish each moment I have here with loved ones.

The gathering downstairs in the hall was delightful. I watched a community mill around, with tears and laughter.  I saw the family being supported. I felt people’s concerns for my own health and well-being. I heard stories that inspired my commitment to pray for others whose own situations were a struggle. This post-funeral time is precious and a necessary part of closure for the community and family. I have long learned to love and appreciate what a gift those fancy sandwiches allow in the form of breaking bread and sharing life in all its pain. I wondered who might be comforting who when my turn comes. What funny stories will people share about me? I cannot think of a better parish to welcome those who will celebrate my life and help to take the edge off the loss that will be felt. As much as funerals are an in-the-face reality check for me, they are also a blessing that affirm where I am going and how life in community will bless those who remain. God is faithful.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Have  you given any thought about what your funeral will be like?

How does being part of a community enhance the funeral for those who remain?

Prayer

Jesus, I long to be with you, Home and at peace. In the meantime, let joy radiate from me as I continue the fruitful labours you task me with. I am happy to serve you all the days of my life and when the time comes, to enter into your presence with praise and thanksgiving. Amen.

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Granola Girl

Posted on October 27, 2016 by sstyves

 

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I am not a particularly luxurious person.  I have always thought of myself as having a simple lifestyle. I have not spent a ton of money on possessions; my focus has been on experience and adventures.  I still have the very first couch that I bought over 25 years. The beautiful bedroom set that I bought decades ago I gave away to family members when I moved to Washington, DC. I never did replace it with anything as lovely. I live  in and odds and sods home. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy friends and family who have created beautiful homes with stunning decor.  I love beautiful things – I have always thought I am part crow. I like shiny. I love comfortable. But I am also not that concerned with appearances. My life has been more about exploring the world around me.

I am now settling in to my new home – a  luxurious condo in a smaller high-rise on one of the classiest streets in my city. The reaction from friends has been hilarious.  They know me so well. Nope, I’ve never lived in a high-rise before. No, I never thought that my address would entail living on the Crescent.  I have never had such a spectacular river/skyline view before. Yeah, my furniture doesn’t really go with the beauty of the space. I am a granola girl living in a dream world of sorts.  I have lived in wonderful homes that I have enjoyed in neighbourhoods that have felt comfortable. In fact, my current home is really only a few blocks from the place that I lived the longest, outside of my childhood home. As I walked to my church this afternoon, I realized that I have missed this neighbourhood on some levels. The truth of the matter is I tend to bloom wherever I am planted.

I have lived in a variety of places all over the world and I have been happy because it has never really been about the space. It has always been about the people and shared experiences within the place.  For example, in Washington, the six of us interns sharing that house had to deal with cockroaches which was a brand-new experience. Perhaps that prepared me for the mice infestation that I had two years ago. I have lived in my friends’gorgeous home with their most excellent backyard paradise.  I have shared community a number of times in my life, but mostly I have lived alone.

Tonight, having handed in the keys to the old place, I decided to pause and take the evening to just enjoy this new space. I made a cup of hot chocolate and watched TV. I tried out the bathtub, with Epson salts to ease my aching muscles and candlelight to soothe my soul. It already feels very much like home to me.

This granola girl is weary to the bone but if I look past the tiredness, I feel great contentment about being here and hopeful for all that will unfold in the space. I look forward to sharing the experience with some of you.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What does home mean to you?

How well do your friends know you?

Prayer

Jesus, you knew that home was so much more than a place to lay your head.  Home is a place to celebrate relationships, restore the soul, and welcome you in. I thank you for this new abode. May it be a blessing to me and to all who enter here. Amen.

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