Lady of Sorrows

Posted on September 15, 2016 by sstyves

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The Feast today is for Mary, Our Lady of Sorrows. We all have our sorrows in life at some point. I seemed to have breezed through the first couple of decades with nothing life shattering but there were a few things that occurred to me that marked me for life. I like that Mary can relate to my fears, grief, frustrations, doubts, and anxiety. Mary was a woman who must have known panic in her life. From an angel’s appearance to her son’s disappearance, she must have had anxiety. She also knew great grief. Watching her son suffer and die must have been too much for her heart that had been predicted would be pierced.

When I was in Puerto Vallarta recently, I took time to say a rosary generally for all of of the people praying for me, as well as some specific people. I thought of a friend whose brother has a brain tumor, a young woman with a drug addiction who is working the streets, a man who had been on death row whose little hand-made angel graces my home, and a number of other stories that tear at my heart. Our Lady of Sorrows is someone I can relate to. I think of my family and friends who feel sorrow at my prognosis. I feel tremendously sad when I think of how my illness effects them. There is no escaping the reality of what is to come.

I have to keep my eyes on Jesus though–who was about his Father’s business. I think that I must be too. Whatever happens, I believe God will work all things for good. I trust a merciful God who desires for me peace and rest. I also know that my Mother will embrace me tenderly and care for me. Our Lady of Sorrows, pray for us, that we who know sorrow will know the mercy of God.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What sorrow has visited you?

How does Our Lady of Sorrows help you?

Prayer

Beloved Mother of God, dear Lady of Sorrows, you have walked a path of pain in life. Be with us in our anguish. Comfort us and heal us, we pray in the name of Jesus, the Suffering Servant. Amen.

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Dead Man Sitting

Posted on September 13, 2016 by sstyves

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The Gospel today is from Luke 7 and recounts the story of Jesus’ encounter with a widow who had lost her only son. Jesus sees the large crowd around her and is filled with compassion. Then Jesus does something extraordinary and yet so very ordinary. He reaches out and touches the pallet where the dead man is and those bearing it stand still, perhaps waiting in expectation to see what this man they have heard about will do. Jesus tells the young man to rise. The dead man sits up and begins to speak. Can you imagine being that mother?

She is overcome with grief one minute and then in the next her son is returned to her. What was gone is now back. Not only her son, but as a widow, she also is returned fully to her place in the community with someone to care for her. The large crowd with her is stunned and they glorify God. When was the last time you went to a funeral and the deceased sat up?

I think most of us in life have had sorrow visit us. If not death, illness or loss of some kind. I have been listening to Glennon Doyle Melton of Momastery and Brene Brown teach an online course and love the phrase that Glennon coins–life is brutiful, a mix of brutal and beautiful. We cannot have one without the other usually and learning how to embrace this is the key to joy. The Gospel shows another key element to surviving the sorrow and stress of life–a large crowd of supporters. I am ever so grateful for those who remain with me on this adventure.

I was out with friends last night, sharing some of my thoughts about all that has happened in these months. I have begun to seek some advice about whether to begin a clinical trial if I am eligible. I have done well thus far, all things considered and a trial could change all that for the short-term. I have to weigh the benefits of how I want to spend the remainder of my life. I could be the dead woman sitting up if I do the trial. Alternatively, I could get really sick and my quality of life could be reduced. Without knowing any details, the discernment cannot really occur. I will not know if I am even eligible for another couple of months.

I bring my attention back to Jesus in the Gospel. Jesus is compassion. He reaches out and touches the pallet–or coffin in the American translation. Jesus is never far away from the suffering. His blood marks the path ahead as I prepare to pick up my cross. I will let his touch bring people to a stand still, while we wait to see what will happen next. I trust my Beloved to do the most merciful thing.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What act of compassion has Jesus done in your life?

Have you ever experienced the touch of Jesus and sat up after thinking you were a goner?

Prayer

Jesus, Beloved Healer, reach out and touch the pallet I am on. May I respond with faith and sit up straight, praising your name and giving you glory. Guide my steps, Jesus, once I rise and return to life. May I never be the same. Amen.

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Do Not Trouble Yourself

Posted on September 12, 2016 by sstyves

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The crowds in today’s Gospel are told by Jesus that he has never seen such faith as the centurion’s who knew that Jesus did not have to be physically present to carry out the deed that must be done–the healing of his slave. He sends friends to tell Jesus not to trouble himself but to just speak the word and the servant will be healed. We are told earlier in Luke’s story that the elders know this man as worthy for he loves the people and has built a synagogue for them. The centurion though tells Jesus that he is not worthy to have him come under his roof. I find it interesting that the man has such a different view of himself than the elders do.

If only we could see each other as other people see us. Clearly, Jesus is impressed by the man’s faith. The Catholic Church uses the words of the centurion at every mass: Lord, I am not worthy that you should come under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed. This is our profession before we receive the Eucharist. We recite the words based on what this man sent to Jesus–his faith is meant to be a role model for us. Can we believe that Jesus can heal us?

I did not make it to mass today. I have been feeling somewhat lazy most of the day–tired, I suppose. I felt badly about not being able to go to mass as it was the Feast of the Most Holy Name of Mary. Mary has been so present to me these past couple of years while I have been sick. I stopped by the chapel at my church today to pray for a few minutes and to apologize to her.

When I came home, Fr. James Martin, an American Jesuit, was live on Facebook, talking about prayer. I tuned in and caught a lovely explanation of why we pray through the saints. Fr. Martin said that it is similar to when we ask friends to pray for us here. These friends,however, I realized, are in heaven. Having so many people that I do not know pray for me I understood that the saints are the same. I do not know them personally but like the community in Ireland, a Jesuit in Ontario, a Sunday School in Iowa, my goddaughter in Nairobi, my friend in Singapore, the prayer warriors that originate in British Columbia, or my family and friends right here, these saints are praying for me. A little light bulb went on when Fr. Martin said that–as if I had learned something I had never grasped. I loved the image.

So many prayers continue to be lifted for me. On Saturday, the priest presiding over mass at the prison checked in with me–you are Suzanne, right? When I nodded he told me he had been praying for me.  He had been told by another priest friend of mine about my illness. He is the second priest I have met who has mentioned he is praying for me. I am so very grateful for these–and all the other–prayers being lifted up. Like the centurion, I know that Jesus himself does not need to trouble himself by entering under my roof, but like the man, my elders and friends bring my needs to him. What a gift this is!

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What is your level of faith about healing?

Do you have family, friends, and elders bringing petitions to Jesus on your behalf?

Prayer

Stop right there, Jesus! There is no need to take another step. I know you have this from right where you are. I am grateful for my friends and elders who petition on my behalf. May my faith be strong enough to trust that you are at work, even if I do not see you, even if I believe I am not worthy, even if you are already on the way to be with me in my need. Amen.

 

 

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No Longer Worthy

Posted on September 11, 2016 by sstyves

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The Gospel reading from Luke 15 is the well-known story of the Prodigals. The priest tonight at mass taught me the other meaning of prodigal….I only knew it as wasteful and extravagant. It also means giving something on a lavish scale. Ah….I love plays on words. It seems that the terms play against each other, giving the reader the option of using the model of the prodigal son or the prodigal father.

In this Year of Mercy, I hope we see how important each role is. I suppose, all of us are the prodigal child at some point in our lives, standing in need of forgiveness for our error, our waywardness.  The phrase that comes to mind is that we are all more than our worst mistakes. We stumble, we fall,  and we learn to pick ourselves up, and carry on, hopefully in a new way. If we are incredibly fortunate, we encounter a prodigal father–someone who shows us mercy despite our errant ways.

Last night at the prison, I spoke to a man for the first time. He has been in and out of the system since he was quite young. He wants to start fresh but he does not know how. He has turned his life over to God. One day he had an experience like the prodigal son in the Gospel, where he woke up both literally and figuratively and decided that his life was going nowhere. He was no longer living a life of worth in his eyes. He turned to God for help, as the son seeks his earthly father in the story. He believed something needed to change. I hope he finds what he needs to get out and stay out of prison.

The older son who remains at home in the Gospel is no better off than the man in prison though, before he came to his senses. He is caged in his resentment and bitterness, unable to show mercy or love. He is no longer living a life worthy of the gospel values either. There is no freedom for him.

None of us are worthy on some level. We try to live godly lives, but we do harm. We break relationships, we damage self-esteems, we destroy the earth, and we ignore God. Sometimes, we even run in the opposite direction. The thing is we always, always have the option of coming to our senses. It may be in a pig pen or it may be in an office but wherever it is, when we turn towards God, God is already running to us, arms wide open.  Do we comprehend how spectacular that is? God accepts us back and throws us a party with the best food and finest clothes and jewels. All we have to do is turn back. How blessed are we!

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Which definition of prodigal best describes you at this moment?

Do you need to turn back towards the merciful God right now?

Prayer

Merciful God, run towards me when I realize that I am no longer worthy, when I stand in the pig sty of my life, thinking I know what is best for me. Help me to turn towards you when my ego gets too big and my recklessness threatens to destroy my goodness. Lavish me with your generous love and kindness and claim me as your child again. Amen.

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Imperishable Wreath

Posted on September 10, 2016 by sstyves

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I am behind on my blog posts as I have some pressing agenda items on my list but I am always disappointed when I do not find the time to write. I did manage to make it to mass on Friday for the Feast Day of St. Peter Claver and was heartened by the homily that the pastor gave. I found myself thinking about it during the course of a busy day. St. Peter Claver was a Jesuit, born near Barcelona. Entering the Society of Jesus in 1601, he had a desire to do missionary work. He was sent to Cartegena in South America where he ended up assisting the slaves as they arrived. This became his mission for four decades–he provided Africans with food, water and medical supplies. He was both doctor and teacher to the 10,000 slaves who arrived in Categena annually to be sold in South America. He advocated for their rights and –treated all of them–whatever their religious beliefs–Catholics, Protestants or Muslims–with dignity. He is the patron saint of, among other things, race relations. He baptized 300,000 slaves by 1651 so that their owners would treat them more humanely.

The First Reading from 1 Corinthians 9 1 Corinthians 9 reminds us that there is a prize to be won and that we must run the race in order to receive the imperishable wreath. We are not to run aimlessly, but we must keep our goal in mind. St. Claver knew his goal. Do we? Slavery still exists today. As I listened to the pastor preach, my mind wandered to yet another missing Aboriginal woman in my city. I wondered if she is part of the new slave trend–kidnapping young women and prostituting them out. My heart also returned to the Slave Museum in Cape Town, South Africa. The Slave Lodge tour was one of the most profound moments on that trip, gut-wrenching and haunting. My pastor made reference to how human beings could treat each other in such a way, but the reality is that still today we do not recognize the other’s humanness–we see them as chattel, non humans, and disposable. We still have much to learn about running this race to receive an imperishable wreath.

One day, we will all fly freely of the chains that enslave us. Until then, St. Peter Claver, pray for us that we may have a servant’s heart and break whatever bonds of injustice that we encounter.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

How do you see slavery still in action today?

Is there a way that you can break the bonds of injustice that you see, taking St. Peter Claver as an example?

Prayer

St. Peter Claver, you ran the race and won the imperishable wreath. Help us to see what is most needed in our world today and then to act on righting the wrong we notice. Give us courage and strength to be your hands and feet in the world, Jesus. Amen.

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Greener Grass

Posted on September 7, 2016 by sstyves

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Today’s Readings make me wonder if we think the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, instead of loving the yard we live in. Paul encourages us in 1 Corinthians 7 to lead the life that the Lord has assigned us. He mostly talks about married and single people, exhorting listeners to be happy in their present situation. Luke’s version of the Beatitudes remind us how the present can shift without notice. Those who are full will be hungry and those who are laughing will weep. Blessed are you now for what will come.

Many of us experience unhappiness or dissatisfaction in life. Before we know it, the words stumble out of our mouths, revealing our discontent. It is back to work today….one day, you may find yourself unemployed and regret that you groaned about heading back to the office, classroom, or boardroom. The kids are driving me crazy….and then one morning, you wake up to an empty nest and wonder where the years went. I will never find my Prince Charming/Cinderella….without relishing your current singleness and all the gifts that brings. I do not have time for my parents right now–my life is so busy….until the funeral day arrives and your heart aches for not creating priorities differently. Rejoice in this day and leap for joy, Luke writes. Is that the lesson we need to keep learning? The only moment you have is now.  If at all possible, can we embrace whatever that moment brings to us?

I am finding that my emotions leak out of me unexpectedly. When I spoke to the second-year medical students recently, I spoke of a doctor who had promised me that he would do the very difficult procedure, knowing that it might take awhile. Suddenly, I was back in that moment, laying outstretched on the table, feeling his anxiety but more than that, confident that he would keep his word, and I lived anew into the commitment that physician made to me which allowed me to still be here today. I was broadsided by that emotion both times I told my story. The gratitude for that man and his team flooded me as did the realization that I could have died by now. I did not though and I am still here, sorting through all the emotions that come with my history and prognosis on this latest adventure of mine.  I weep at the moment but I do laugh. God has blessed me and I am grateful.

All of this often seems surreal to me still, despite the calm exterior most days. Thankfully, that ticking clock seems to have quieted a bit. Over the weekend, I ran into an old schoolmate whose partner shared how another friend of them made it past his expiry (best before) date. That image made me laugh. My plan is to surpass mine too and hopefully not grow too moldy in the process. The conversation also rolled around to what I want to do now–what remains that must be done. I have always tried to be content with my life, to finish business and to live fully. I created a life list (a happier term than bucket list) decades ago and set out to explore new, exciting adventures at that time. Why wait until it is too late? In keeping with the original analogy, I have watered my own garden, gathered with joy the fruits of my labour, cut the grass when necessary, rearranged the landscape from time to time, and looked across the fence to see what was interesting that I might want to add to my yard without being obsessed by comparison. My life has pretty much been a blessing for which I am grateful. This makes all the difference in this moment. I can find peace within because I have planted those seeds of contentment over the fullness of my life. That is a pretty amazing place to be.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What does your grass look like to you?

Are there any grumblings in your head that need a tune-up?

Prayer

Creator, you have given all of us green grass. Help us to care for our piece in this world and to nurture it well, without complaint or excessive longing for the neighbour’s lot. Amen.

 

 

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St. Teresa of Kolkata

Posted on September 5, 2016 by sstyves

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Tonight I attended a celebration in honour of the newest saint–St. Teresa of Kolkata, or, to many who loved her, simply Mother. I snuck into the church two minutes late and scrambled to find a spot to stand and half see the celebration. The place was brimming with people who had come to support the local sisters who were beaming at the crowd and the Love in the room. The Archbishop was presiding and the sanctuary was full of priests.

His Grace made a link to Labour Day–St. Teresa shows us how to labour–and I would add for whom the work of our hands should be dedicated to. St. Teresa did small deeds with great love. She worked with the least of these–the Gospel Reading used was Matthew 25, one of my all-time favourites. She cared with dignity for the dying. She is someone who after mystical experiences remained in the desert for decades yet she stayed true to the work she was originally called to and no one ever knew her inner anguish.

I found myself these past few days, thinking You worked with the dying, St. Teresa, pray for me. I do not really know what the prayer means but it has come several times over the weekend and I have just let it be without trying to dissect it. That is not easy to do. Even tonight, I saw a number of people who I had not seen for a very long time, and I would say that a wee miracle even unfolded in one of those encounters. I do not need to know why this happened or what will come of it but I offer it to God with thanksgiving.  I think St. Teresa is already at work, listening to prayers and doing small deeds with great love. St. Teresa of Kolkata, pray for us.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What small deeds can you do with great love?

Can you stand in the emptiness of your prayer, as Mother Teresa did, and trust that God is still at work?

Prayer

St. Teresa of Kolkata, pray to God for us, that we may do small deeds with great love as the busy fall gets underway again.  May we know that God desires us to work for the coming of the Kingdom in every day miracles, showing compassion and mercy to all we meet, especially the least of these.  Amen.

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Terms of Peace

Posted on September 5, 2016 by sstyves

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The readings today are on some level about building peaceful relationships–with yourself, the people you are with on the journey, your coworkers, your possessions, and the Holy One. The First Reading from Wisdom asks who can learn the counsel of God or discern what the Holy One desires. Our minds are not like the Creator’s and our plans will likely fail unless we learn what pleases the Lord. In the Gospel, we are told that we should settle on the terms of peace. This might be a wise thing to consider.

Paul, in the Second Reading, speaks of Onesimus, a beloved brother, once a slave, the possession of someone else.  A human should never be a slave to anyone. Paul asks his community to welcome Onesimus as they would welcome him, freeing him from the bonds that used to hold him hostage. He is setting out the terms of peace with these words. In the Gospel,, Luke writes that before building a tower, one must first figure out if he has enough to complete the job so that he does not lay down a foundation and then foolishly realize he cannot build the entire project. We are to consider these issues wisely.

I have begun to declutter and downsize now that I am home for a few weeks. I realized while in Mexico that I might need some kind of a plan to do this with any wisdom and merit. There will be emotional baggage attached to my possessions. I heard the words at the end of the Gospel today and cringed a tad: So therefore, whoever of you does not give up all their possessions cannot be my disciples.  The possessions themselves are not what get me for the most part, it is the memories attached to them that do. This weekend I began reading old cards and letters that I have received over the decades. I loved writing and receiving hand-written letters. I have several from a thoughtful man I met while in Guatemala, where we built houses for Habitat for Humanity.  In one correspondence, he quoted today’s Psalm (90): And let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish for us the work of our hands. He had been asking me about my work and suggested that one day in heaven I would be able to see how much my care and compassion impacted each one of the students with whom I had been working. His letters were quite remarkable and rereading them this weekend, revealed again the beautiful essence of his heart. Unfortunately, we lost touch but I do pray that God has allowed the work of his hands and heart to prosper. This was a man who knew the Lord, and who like Onesimus did for Paul, had a part of my heart.

On this special day of the canonization of St. Teresa of Kolkata, we have a model for new terms of peace. This woman who worked with the dying with respect, dignity and love showed us how to touch the untouchables. She picked up the cross Jesus mentions in the Gospel and carried it even in the darkness when she could not feel that Divine Presence once so near to her. Like Paul, she suffered her own imprisonment, but did so quietly and without stopping her ministry. She had discerned the will of God for her in her life at one point and never stopped serving despite the silence.  She was saved by wisdom.

I pray that you may learn to build, knowing the full cost, settle on good terms of peace with your enemies, and have a few people in your life who own a piece of your heart. God will satisfy you in the morning if this is the case, and you will be saved by wisdom.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What in your life pleases the Lord?

Who has a piece of your heart?

Prayer

Creator God, show me the terms of peace for living satisfied. May I always give you not only a piece but my entire heart. May I be saved by wisdom.  Amen.

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Going Through Grainfields

Posted on September 3, 2016 by sstyves

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Jesus is going through the grainfields on the Sabbath with his disciples, and eating some of the heads of grain. Luke 6 says that the Pharisees are upset by them breaking the law of the Sabbath to which Jesus responds that the Son of Man is the Lord of the Sabbath. This reading spoke to me as I drove through the prairie landscapes, watching farmers on the fields in their machinery. I love the prairies–they calm me. I try to imagine Jesus walking through the fields plucking the heads of grain and sharing them with his disciples. I can hear them laughing and talking. They are one, friends and partners on the journey.

As I arrived this afternoon at a friend’s pop-up art market in the country, I breathed in the country air. My eyes lingered on the fields. I often think of my farm-boy father at moments like this, wondering what life was like living on the land. Country folks are one too–friends and partners of the earth.

Within minutes of arriving, I heard my friend’s accordion, wafting over the yard. I could not yet see her but I knew she was there. I ended up feeling as if I were at a party. I knew several of the artists involved and had not seen them in months. I also bumped into other visitors whom I had not seen in a long while. I had to leave the hectic city to find my folks among the grainfields. Good conversations ensued. Sometimes Sabbaths come unexpectedly. I am glad for this.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What place brings you rest?

What do you imagine Jesus’ interactions to be like with his disciples?

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A Patient’s View

Posted on September 3, 2016 by sstyves

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Yesterday I had the wonderful opportunity to assist CancerCare with allowing the second-year medical students to hear about a patient’s experience regarding a diagnosis of cancer. While a privilege to share my thoughts, the experience did, once again, dredge up emotions that clearly I have not yet fully processed. In odd an way, I was grateful for the tears that came as I knew immediately that I was so very fortunate to even be there to tell my tale.

I began by asking how many doctors they thought I had seen since my initial complaint. Guesses in one group were conservative–six–and high in the second–30. I counted 8 doctors, not including the students who came by each morning while I recovered from the surgery. Add them to the mix and I was dealing with approximately 20 or so personalities, communication styles, egos, and opinions.  Mix in nurses, health care aides, housekeeping staff, pharmacists, nutritionists, receptionists, and the like, and the number rises to over 30. That is a lot of people. My health team was, for the most part, phenomenal, with really one exception.

My major points were about patients being individuals. For myself, I do not like being engaged in a battle against cancer, which I need to beat. I love that my oncologist gets how I am approaching my illness. I do not feel a need to be aggressively seeking a cure (partially because there is not one short of a miracle–which can still happen). She has not suggested restarting chemo and I appreciate that she has heard me on this issue. The battle field image works for warriors.  I am more of a pacifist which does not mean I have given up. It simply means that I am focusing on living and not letting fear get the best of me.  The person in front of them is who they need to take their cues from. My dad and I are different people and require different care. I am much more curious than he is and tend to ask more questions so that I do not have to check Dr. Google afterwards.

I also spoke about how the patient knows his or her own body best and that the doctor can help us by believing we do. I advocated for the role of an accompanier–mine, as many of you know, has been terrific and for the most part, has been welcomed by most of the professionals. I told them it is in their best interest to have this person in the room so that the information is remembered and recorded for future use by the patient. I mentioned how confusing it got at times with so many people telling me what to do or not do. I told my inner boss story about being empowered again to take control of my own healing process instead of surrendering it totally to others.

I talked about what each doctor had done that was helpful and then shared the one story about a particular doctor that could have devastated another patient who had not fully heard the surgeon say from the beginning that there was no surviving this cancer.  However, his statement that I would be well at the end of chemo, rather than in reality, have cancer that had metastasized, was shared with friends who then had to deal with the painful truth that I was no longer cancer-free.

The audience was attentive and a couple of excellent questions were asked. The topics ranged from how exactly did the surgeon balance honesty and compassion to had I changed how I was living now that I knew my prognosis. The conversation hopefully was helpful in forming kind, gentle human-doctors. Many of them seemed that way already from how they listened to me with respect and interest. I love that this type of event happens for them.

I knew I had to open a piece of my soul for them for this to be of benefit. Being vulnerable gets easier in this process. As I said to one of the other patients, I have stopped apologizing for crying and she should too. There is no shame in my emotions, given all that I have been through. I like to be transparent at the best of times and so I hope that people could see right through me to the heart of the matter of what patients need from their physicians.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What would you say to a doctor about what patients need if you had the chance?

Have you ever made yourself vulnerable for a good reason?

Prayer

Great Physician, how would you have us heal one another? Speak to your earthly angels and healers and let them know what it is that is required of them. Amen.

 

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