My God has always been a God of surprises who does not always use the traditional means to get my attention. Sometimes it is not Scripture readings but nature in the form of a bunny or crow. Today was no different. God used a song to shake me up and get me back on track. Despite the good news, I have crashed a bit. I have been plugging along for six months now and may have depleted some of my energy to maintain a positive attitude. I also have been so intent on getting through that it is only now that I am beginning to process all that has happened.
I had to get up early for a dentist appointment and I was tired. En route, I saw the police cruisers and tape. I glanced down at the sidewalk by the yellow tape and saw the pool of blood. My heart sank. I had heard about a knife attack on the radio at a popular outdoor patio but had not caught the details. I do not know the outcome as I write this but there was quite a bit of blood. I shook my head, remembering the stabbing victim on my unit in the hospital. Violence has to end. Life is too precious to throw away in a moment of anger. As I arrived at the dentist’s office, I tried to shake my sadness.
As I sat in the chair, the hygienist asked if there were any changes to my health. I had not been expecting that question and I slammed into the wall of my new identity. The hygienist was behind me and she could not see my face. After what seemed like more than a moment, I slowly replied: Yes. I have had major surgery..on my liver. A liver resection. That was all I could divulge. I could not bring myself to say cancer. It surprised me but I knew if I did that I might start crying and I did not want that. She asked if I was on any pain medications and the date of the surgery. Still out of view she said that she hoped I was recovering well. I forget what she asked me but my response was that I was waiting to hear about radiation. That was the closest I could come to disclosing my situation. I had not pre-planned a discussion about being a cancer survivor but now I will have to give that some thought.
The rest of the appointment was rather uneventful. From there I went to a meeting to discuss my back-to-work plan. My employer has been very supportive and yet I still felt vulnerable discussing my health issues. I am still too physically and emotionally fragile to return to work. My manager was supportive and continued to encourage me to take the time I needed. I headed to mass before coming home. I could not shake a tired sadness that was clinging to my soul.
I listlessly flipped through email and saw that Busted Halo had sent Song of the Summer picks. I clicked on one of the links. Even though it is not a Christian song, I heard the voice of God say to me in Walk The Moon’s hit: Oh don’t you dare look back, just keep your eyes on me. I said you’re holding back. She said, ‘Shut up and dance with me!’ What did you say, God? Yes! I am keeping my eyes on you, as I shut up, got up and danced wildly.
After a trying time followed by a brief celebratory elation, have you experienced desolation?
What pulled you back to consolation? Where did you find God?