Advent is a good time to reflect on life. Some days I think I reflect too much. A couple of things have happened in the past two days that I am going to try to piece together here. As I start Round Five, I try to stay in the present moment, but I do find myself looking back and forward at the same time. That is a good way to give yourself a headache!
A couple of days a friend of mine sent a blog post that he thought I might like. He was right–it was on gratitude and I did like it. As I explored the blog I came upon this wisdom: http://deniseperreault.projectconnectonline.org/my-special-requests/ Sometimes it is better if someone else says something you have said so that people do not take it personally or if you have not been brave enough to say it, they can say it for you. Everyone is different but some of these insights are pretty applicable to me.
I think people’s intentions are good. I have had very few mean-spirited people on my path. Yesterday, I had an endearing encounter after mass. An older gentleman came up to me and began with these words: I don’t mean to offend you but I want to ask you something…..I smiled back and readied myself. Why are you not married? are you not into that? I am pretty sure that was what he said although my mind these days does not hold information the way it once did. When I ran it by a friend of mine later, she wondered the same thing–if he was asking about my sexual preference. To clarify without asking, I laughed and said that I could still find a husband and maybe he should pray for me. He got quite excited about that prospect and so I wonder now if I set myself up for a string of nephews or grandsons being paraded by me.
The truth is that right at this moment I do not have much energy for such matters. I still feel like a train wreck waiting to happen. The experience of being so seriously ill as a single person has been fascinating to me. Certain events would have been easier with a life partner for sure but I maintain that I am well taken care of by my earth angels. I have never felt deeply lonely in some ways during these many months. I have been alone and that has had an ache to it at times but sometimes I would much rather be alone and allow myself to be in God’s arms than anywhere else. I am not sure that makes sense because it seems contradictory.
My tenacity and independence are both my friend and foe right now. I have been thinking for a few weeks–since being so sick–that I need to have people come be with me on my chemo days. I have five more sessions to get through and I think that by mid-afternoon I should invite a friend to be here with me or go stay with someone. Several people have already nabbed a spot. I just need to confirm with them from our early conversations that we can do this. I am still figuring out if it would be more helpful or not. I mostly need to sleep on those days but I also need someone to bring me fluids and mashed potatoes too.
On that note, I have friends who have invited me over for supper tonight so I best be on my way. Some of my favourite earth angels, I need to ensure that I eat tonight and I am glad that they are providing that option.
How good are you at drawing boundaries regarding your personal needs?
What can an earth angel do for you today?
Send me Earth Angels to accompany me
Blessed, wingless creatures whose hearts
are filled with compassion and empathy.
I thank you for these fearless ones
who minister with your hands and feet.