Today was the second last, or penultimate, session of my chemotherapy. I expected to be sleeping most of the day but surprisingly, I was feeling not too badly after three hours of sleep. I can feel a calmness coming over me as I begin to ready myself to move away from feeling crummy all the time to feeling better. Oddly enough, there are some mixed feelings about the upcoming end. I am mostly excited and relieved that the end is very near.
Today as I sat in the chair and did my usual prayer time, I could feel the emotions arise. I am so close to moving forward. I could feel fear and anxiety crowding in for a moment to get my attention. I wondered if I might be really sick for these last two sessions. I felt a peaceful presence. God is so remarkably good to me. I wiped away a tear and tried to regain my composure. In a few minutes, the nurse that inserted the PICC line stopped by to say hello. I am not sure if she saw that tear trickle down my face but she came to plant hope and peace regardless. She has been so lovely. A little while later, a parishioner who works at the hospital surprised me with a brief visit. I must admit it was wonderful to have her do so. She is a cheery, upbeat individual who I know is rooting for me, as she does for so many others.
The nurse who was working with me today affirmed my decision to sleep away the afternoon, suggesting it was the best way to stave off the side effects naturally. She is another one of the staff at CancerCare who has been a real blessing. So many of them have. I think part of the reason there were tears was that I will miss this group of professionals who greet me by name, even if they are not working with me that day. I have never been real good at goodbyes. I suspect next week the tears will flow more than I would like them to so I had better somehow prepare for that.
How do you deal with emotions that do not make sense?
Who surprises you with kindness?
God of surprises, You gift us with emotions that sometimes do not make sense to us. Let us be open to feel all of it and know that Your mercy will bless us. Thank you for all the kind people who serve us in our hour of need on Your behalf. Amen.