Sometimes we stay in prisons long after they are closed. I saw my CancerCare social worker today and asked to start with a mindfulness practice. The events of this week sort of pulled me under rough water. I knew I was in trouble. He obliged and as soon as he began I sensed the tension in my body. I felt heavy. By the end, that stress had dissipated and I was much lighter.
As we talked about what was going on for me, I confessed that fear had gripped me and I lost my centre. The wasps had taken over my mind, buzzing incessantly until I could not pray or breathe. I was feeling nauseous and was not sure if in part, the pesticides in the house were adding to my unease. I had stopped praying and I was distracted by every movement in my house. The devil had me by the tail as one of my more spiritual friends likes to say.
Last night I tossed and turned for a bit at my friend’s place because I suddenly discovered that my vaccines were not all up-to-date. It turned out to be a bit of a false alarm. I breathed a sigh of relief around 5:00 this evening when the doctor at the travel walk-in clinic confirmed I was good to go.
However, prior to heading to that appointment, I spoke to my landlord’s father who was coming in to check on the wasp situation. Well, he was going to do more than check on it. Apparently, most of the nest was scrapped away but the wasps had made a home in the floor as well so that needs to be ripped up. He wanted to come in and do that but fear gripped me around the throat again. Can you come back tomorrow? I insisted. I really did not want to fall asleep tonight, knowing we had opened that Pandora’s Box. I just need six hours of sleep before I get on that plane tomorrow and buzz out of here myself.
The social worker and I talked about how I might be tired of feeling vulnerable. Interestingly enough, my wise bee friend had mentioned the same concept to me. Yes, I finally agreed. That is a huge piece of it for me. I really need to move and so when I return from my vacation, I hope that the wasps, mice, squirrels, and spiders are all gone so that I can safely begin to declutter and move into a new space. At this point, I may just move and downsize from the new place. Please pray for peace to return to my heart and my home. On this Marian Feast Day, I ask that Mary who found no room at the inn when she needed it most, would go before me and prepare a home for me that will bless my final months. One wonderful event from today was that I got my next appointment for my oncologist and apparently it does not involve any preparation work–no scan and blood work after the fact. That must mean that she is pleased with how slowly the cancer is progressing.
I am busting out of this prison-of-my-own-making for a bit. I may not be online much in the next week. Hasta la vista!
What fears keep you locked inside a prison?
Does being vulnerable make you tired?
Mary, Queen of Heaven, I need a little sanctuary to lay my head in the days ahead. Please go now and prepare a place here on earth for me that will bring all that I need for the remainder of my journey. Amen.