For everything there is a season….so says the First Reading today. I think I have entered a new emotional season. I have been here for some time but I have been trying to push through, to carry on as if life is normal, despite its surrealness. Somewhere in the past month, a new thing under heaven has nudged me too many times to ignore. I have not been myself. Walking with a friend the other day I told her I feel as if I have used up all my kindness. I am on the edge of tears and grumpy. She looked lovingly at me and said she was glad I was human.
She did make me laugh. I have been on the go constantly and I need to retreat a bit. The Gospel today opens with Jesus praying alone. I took some to be alone today, on this feast day of Padre Pio. I have said that people all over the globe have been praying for me and this saint figures into that equation by some people who are devoted to him. Saint Pius of Pietrelcina, as Padre Pio is formally known, is an Italian Capuchin who was a stigmatic. People sought him for wise counsel and confession.
I need to seek counsel today. I have begun looking for a new home. I have started to wrap my head around paying more for rent than I have ever paid in order to have a spare room, in an accessible apartment in the centre area of my city. I looked at one place and decided to spend the money. When the prognosis was delivered in January, a friend told me to get a lovely place for myself and not spare the cost as the oncologist said I will not be able to do stairs eventually. She knew me well obviously as I feel tremendously guilty but this may become my small world and so I do need a place of comfort that will bring peace and joy.
I thought I had a place lined up. I loved the view overlooking the river and the Catholic girls school. There were a number of positive features. I went home and crunched numbers before deciding to take it. When I called back I asked about the move-in bonus and was told she would check and get back to me. When I was called back, the story had changed a bit. I was not impressed and said I was not sure I was still interested. The woman tried back peddling but I said I would sleep on it and call her back in the morning. She called me later in the evening after showing it to another person who obviously did not take it. I was still annoyed and told her again that I would call her in the morning.
I woke up after asking people to pray about a home, thinking it was really me who needed to pray. I was quite frustrated and because I am off kilter, easily grumpy again. I decided to head to church. Sometimes, there is a funeral and today there was. I sat there, distracted and exhausted. I just wanted to lay down in the pew and sleep–or cry, I was not sure which would be more helpful. Afterwards, I knelt before the Sacred Heart of Jesus and put all of my concerns into that spacious heart. I felt some of the burden lift. God will provide, I heard as I prayed. Yes, I thought, God always has, always does, and always will.
For everything there is a season–including grumpiness. I am learning to be gentle with myself, thanks to my friend’s teasing and the quiet time spent with Jesus today. I do not know what my new home will look like but I have asked that God go ahead of me and pick it out for me. I am feeling much calmer, knowing it is in good hands.
When was the last time you took some quiet time with Jesus?
What happens when you bump into your humanness?
Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place in your abundant heart all of my needs knowing that you have my best interest at heart. Really. My heart and your heart belong together. May I surrender all to you, trusting that you have the perfect plan. Amen.