This morning at mass we sang Christmas carols because it was the Feast of St. John the Baptist. I smiled. Apparently the 11-year-old prayer warrior who died recently loved Christmas so singing O Come O Come Emmanuel as a processional and Go Tell It On the Mountain as the recessional seemed fitting today. I have felt incredibly fatigued these past few days. All of the emotions from these past two months have caught up with me. I let loose a wee bit these past two nights, though very much out of sync with how I am feeling.
Usually when I go out to parties, I am ready when I meet new people with some sort of answer about what I do these days. I really need to make something up I think–or at least speak in the present tense about what I did so that I do not sound so snobby or demented. That is what I did last night sort of–I avoided by driving down a detour road. I ended up saying to someone that I used to volunteer at a bereavement organization. I had given a session for that organization on grieving during the holidays in December for a staff person who happened to also be at the party. The conversation took a turn as the woman mentioned she was a widow as was her friend who had lost two husbands. I did not see it coming but I slipped easily into the role of listener despite the recent loss of my father. I listened to this woman talk about her life and her experience. At one point I looked deep into her eyes and there along with the sparkle I could see the pain as she told her story. She too was somewhat out of sync.
Tonight at a different party, I listened as a man filled me in on what was going on his life without once asking me what was new with me. Sometimes that makes it really easy for me. Though there was much to celebrate at this particular party, all I could think about was how tired I was. I needed to get in sync with the festivities but was struggling to do so.
I must admit that these past eight weeks have me sorting through memories–of Dad, my family, friends that I am spending time with, and people I am reconnecting with at both sad and joy-filled events. Time collapses and I find myself remembering parts of my life that I have not thought about in some time. I am grateful for those memories. I am standing in the present but I am whirling back in time. This can be a bit disorienting but I see it as a gift. I have had some amazing relationships with people over the decades and hold these recollections dear. My history is graced and I welcome these moments of nostalgia.
Do you remember a time when you felt out of sync with what was going on around you?
Have you done a review of your life, looking for moments where you have experienced the blessings of God in powerful ways?
I am feeling out of sync, Creator. I am here but really there. I am at a party but grieving. I am vertical but I want to be horizontal. I look great but I am so weary I do not believe it. Let me feel it all, and somehow integrate it into my now. Amen.