Some days the steps we take are so tiny that we do not see our own progress. Today though I was pleased at what I could recognize as the baby steps I am making to return to walking. I have been taking these tentative steps, hanging onto my kitchen counter for support, as, one of my friends pointed out, a child learns to walk by holding onto the furniture. The swelling is going down, the leg can take full weight, and I am gaining confidence to let go of the counter at times.
I have graduated to my walker part-time instead of the scooter. I joked today with my physiotherapist that I suddenly felt old and slow as molasses. Although, I am pretty sure that many a senior would zip right by me. I find using the walker tiring but this will be one of the ways to build my stamina as I recover. As she watched me walk in strides instead of half-steps, she was impressed. She had not yet taught me how to do that. I will need to practice more but I am getting the hang of it. Next up will be stairs I suppose at some point: up with the good, down with the bad. I won’t be practicing that alone in the concrete stairwell of my home. I have learned a few lessons from my falls.
I suppose in so many other ways I do not notice the changes going on within me. A Jesuit friend of mine tells me that dying well is the work I must prepare myself for. I know this does not mean making sure all my ducks are in a row, though I must tie up some lose ends still. He is talking about my soul work and being able to pass over to the other side of the thin veil to my Beloved. Some days I feel I am failing miserably at this, distracted by earthly matters. Other days, like today, I see I am missing my progress as someone once again tells me what a role model I am.
I am grateful for those who are reaching out to me from all over the world. As I caught up with a friend today, we laughed and shared deeply about our lives. I told her about my distractions. They have been on my heart for awhile now. To confess worries to another trusted soul is a privilege that not everyone has. I know that they would be honoured by my friend and that she might offer insights. As I lay on my couch, chatting with her via telephone, the miles slip away as they often do. It is good to be known and accepted. I appreciate the eyes of another scrutinizing my life with love and integrity, challenging me and yet affirming me. I cannot always see the missteps I take nor can I see the solid foundation that I walk upon.
Another friend is doing remote Reiki treatments with me on a weekly basis. Initially, I could feel my body responding to what he was doing. Now, the healing is more subtle. By the end of the twenty minutes, I can be in a deep sleep for which I am grateful because I believe his healing touch has done so much more than manifest itself physically but is working on a spiritual level too, healing parts of me that are not yet whole. I see the movement week by week and have come to appreciate the generous gift that is offered. Afterwards we have begun touching base by phone and the reconnection to my past is welcome. The conversation is also healing and a blessing to me. In those exchanges distractions do not exist. We speak freely of what is happening in our lives. Often, my friend reflects back to me what I need to hear. Community is important to me on this adventure.
Baby steps are necessary for me right now. My eyes are attentive to the subtle changes occurring physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Because of the concussion, I note even the intellectual progress. I keep forward and onward, trusting in the hands that hold me.
Who is your mirror that reflects back to you what they see as progress in your life?
What baby steps are you not seeing in your life?
Giant-Stepper, you see how good baby steps are for us and spot us when we let go of the furniture and take a stride forward. You know we can do this if we stay present in the moment and do not let earthly matters distract us. Keep my eyes on you as I move forward and onward. Amen.