Moving Forward

Posted on October 24, 2016 by sstyves

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I am laying in my bed in my new home – a wonderful two-bedroom apartment that will allow me to have visitors for tea and even for overnight.  The view is spectacular. I am on the eighth floor, overlooking the river. I watch the ducks and geese skim down and land in the water.  In the winter I will probably be able to watch skaters glide by.  I look forward to  moving forward here.

Since chemo and the  fatigue from the cancer itself have done weird things to my brain, I do find myself not always on top of things the way I would like. Today is a perfect example of that.  The movers came and packed up the truck with my stuff.  We were ready to head over to the new place. I went to get my car and house keys and I could not find them.  I felt dread rise from my toes all the way to my throat.  What was I wearing last night? I thought desperately and could feel a bit of panic. I turned to the movers and confessed: My apartment keys are packed in the pocket of a sweater in one of the suitcases.  Without batting an eye, one of them asked me if I knew which one it was in and then we proceeded to fish it out from one of the farthest corners, behind all of the other things that had been packed. It took three tries to unearth the right suitcase but we did it.  I had said a little prayer to Saint Anthony to help us out. I also know that there were a lot of people praying today that the move would go well. I felt those prayers in  action a couple of times during the day.

At one point, one of the movers asked me why I was moving. For whatever reason, I told him the truth. My rickety old furniture and disorganization had embarrassed me, I suppose.  I had had plans to get new furniture before all this happened and it was another letting go. I told him that given the outlook on my life span, that did not make sense any longer.  I will be a granola girl living in a swanky apartment without the fancy fixings.  As we were talking, I became slightly emotional. He was compassionate and at the end of the move he wished me peace. I could tell that our brief interaction had affected him.

What I do hope to fill this condo with is kindness, compassion, and joy. I hope that it will be a place  where family and friends will build good memories, with lots of laughter and honest conversations.  I also hope that it will be a space to be creative. I want to start to write more. I have missed writing my blog posts on a regular basis.  I pray too that it will be a place of rest and restoration, not only for me but all who come through my door.

The hour is late and the day has been very long. I must sleep. I look forward to this new adventure. Thank you  to all those who have helped me arrive here in this new space, whether by prayer over a long distance – or even a short line – or by physically assisting with the move by  packing, moving, cooking, and cleaning. You have been a blessing to me and my heart is very grateful as I turn off my light.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

How has prayer upheld to you during a time of transition?

As you do your Examen, what do you find your heart grateful for?

Prayer

Loving God, you have  set my feet on a new adventure. May I bring you to it and through it. Amen.

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God’s Fingerprints

Posted on October 19, 2016 by sstyves

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As I prepare to move, I am trying to declutter first.  No one warned me how emotional it might be to walk down Memory Lane. I stumbled across a box of items from a variety of eras:  class photos from elementary school, the high school publication that I had written for, a piece of artwork that I had from one of the most famous Deaf Canadians that I would not met until much later in life, the poster for the movie that cracked open the Deaf world for many non-Deaf people,  and letters from family and friends. I sometimes get lost in this process. Tears come. Feelings rise.  I kept things from people I no longer recognize. Nonetheless, I am ever grateful for words or moments that come back to me as if it were yesterday.

I came across some postcards from my father when he traveled on union business. I was thrilled then and now. He is a man of few words and so these 4″ x 6″ items mean the world to me. At some point I will show them to him but I suspect that it might be more than his heart can manage right now…I know that my eyes leaked reading them.  I found letters from my grandmother who was a faithful writer to her relatives out east. I found a note from an ex-boyfriend that brought a smile to my face. I found a card from someone who had been a friend and has changed so much now I do not really recognize him. I cared deeply for who he was, but not so much who he has become. That sent me chasing rabbits into the thicket in trying to figure out how and why situations can change so drastically for some of us and yet remain unfaltering for others.

I came across the scribblers that I used to write my mystery stories in and figure that they will be entertaining to read during this long, cold winter that is threatening to arrive.  I came across a hilarious award from a peace organization that I interned with for a year which stated that I was best dressed on the volleyball court–which was a kind way of saying I was not a great player but at least I looked good!  That made me remember how we would get together for beer and pretzels after the game at someone’s house. Those were fun times.  I came across a thank you letter from the manager of the dorm where I lived in when I studied to become an interpreter and facilitated some communication for the Deaf students who lived there.

I love this journey back into time and how I see God’s fingerprints all over my life experiences. I have managed to let a good portion of it go and hold just the memory of it but some I will bring with me to the new place and dispose of it as I have time to read and sort through it properly, with the respect it deserves. God has been so very good to me and I am glad that I will have the opportunity to review my graced history with tangible evidence that God was at work, blessing me beyond my wildest desires.

Peace

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What graced history brings a particular smile to your face right now?

What do you wish you had kept from your childhood?

Prayer

As I examine my life, you are guilty, God, of leaving your fingerprint smudges everywhere.  I see you in the blessings of friendships past and present. I hear you in the voice of cousin, father, aunt, sister, brother, friend, grandmother as they wrote their letters to me. I marvel at how from a very young age, the gift of writing was present. You touched it all and left your indelible mark on each moment in time. How can I thank you for this great gift? Amen.

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Widow Youville

Posted on October 16, 2016 by sstyves

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Sundays Feast Days are skipped but today is a special one for our family. Marguerite d’Youville is the first Canadian-born saint and foundress of the Grey Nuns of Montreal.  My aunt has followed in her footsteps, eventually leading the Western province and then the order into the future. This moment above was captured this summer, in the last days of my aunt’s leadership after 20 years, during a visit to Montreal when we took in Cité Mémoire, an audiovisual display of the history of Montreal. This image of the two women together brings a smile to my face. I think Marguerite would be proud of my aunt and the sisters who have gone on to bring her work of caring for the poor to far-flung corners of the world, both North and South, as well as West.

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Marguerite was a widow who like the woman in today’s Gospel, kept knocking at the door, asking for the impossible in a society that was not always as generous and understanding as today’s. Although, saying that as we watch Americans devolve into their politics, makes me wonder if this was the type of prejudice she was up against. People called her names and a number of tragedies such as the burning of the hospital were setbacks that needed to be overcome. People did not understand her compassion for the poor. Marguerite placed her trust in Divine Providence and in the words that Jesus says in today’s Gospel to pray always and not to lose heart.

Marguerite knew how important prayer was and in reading biographies about her it becomes apparent that she prayed without losing heart. One incident that is mentioned as a miracle is the appearance of several bags of flour that appear in the storage room when food supplies have run out during the war and the hospital is full of people. As if by magic, these bags materialize. God is faithful. She seemed to not lose heart when the struggles seemed overwhelming.

May we all find a cause that we are passionate enough to keep knocking at the door of those who have the power to change things. May we know that God does hear the cry of the poor among us and may we too walk in St. Marguerite’s footsteps and not delay in helping them.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What makes you knock persistently at the door for change?

Have you lost heart and stopped praying?

Prayer

You are listening for the knock, heard above the raucous, ceaseless cry of the poor. You hear us even before we lift our hand to the door. Teach us to knock, seek, and ask for those in need–for widows, for Indigenous murdered and missing Aboriginal women, for those with dementia, for those who are haunted by thoughts of suicide, for suffering physically, for the ones struggling to take their last breath, for homeless people, for the mentally ill, and for all the”poor” who raise their voice to you. Amen.

 

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Time to Meet One Another

Posted on October 15, 2016 by sstyves

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When I was in Spain, I tried to figure out how I might go to Avila so that I could visit the birthplace of St. Teresa.  Alas, I could not bring myself to fit one more thing into a very tight schedule.  Today, on her feast day, I feel a twinge of regret about not having made that side trip. I have a lot of admiration For St. Teresa, one of two female Doctors of the Church –  there is something about her relationship with the Trinity that I  sense is similar to mine. I have these conversations with the Triune God  that are real and honest. I think too they can be playful, as were hers.

Without being disrespectful, I believe that many times we see saints as plastic, perfect souls when really they are as human as any of us,  with their foibles and failings ever before them.  We can learn valuable lessons from them. Perhaps the most famous story of Saint Therese is the one about falling off her horse into mud and telling God how inconvenient that was for her.  What she heard back was, that’s how I treat my friends. Her response was no wonder you have so few of them.  Such an honest interchange and lighthearted cajoling between the two.  I have an earthly friend who I can joke with like this and it makes me realize how much more precious my relationship is with God.

One of the things that I found out about St. Therese is that when she was dying she was happy. She was ready to go Home and to finally meet her Beloved face-to-face. For her, it was time to move on, and finally meet one another, something she longed to do.  I hope that I am unwavering in this attitude as well when my time comes. In so many ways, I long to meet my Maker.  Usually people joke about this concept, but there is a part of me, that when the time comes, I do not wish to linger but to go directly into the arms of my Beloved. I quite resonate with St. Teresa on this issue. However until that point, I am happy to keep joking with God and having God tease me back.  Life still has much to offer and God still beckons me to serve. I am equally as happy to do this.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Have you thought about what it will be like to meet your Maker?

What kind of relationship do you have with the Trinity?

Prayer

Oh you with so few friends, I am glad that you have chosen me to be one of them. I thank you for all that you are in my life, for the deep conversations that we have, for the jovial way in which you love me.  May my heart always belong to you completely and when that day comes when I will meet you face-to-face, bid me come, with a smile. Amen.

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Mystery of God’s Will

Posted on October 13, 2016 by sstyves

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Blessed be God who has blessed us in Christ Jesus with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, Paul writes in Ephesians 1. He continues, saying that God has made known to us the mystery of God’s will with all wisdom and insight, so that at the fullness of time,  God will gather up all things in Christ.  I am not sure that the mystery of God’s will is clear to me, but I do believe that God will gather me up when the fullness of my time has come.

Sometimes on this adventure, I am overwhelmed. This morning my cell phone had run down its battery and so I plugged it in. A mere five minutes later it rang–which does not happen often. Most people text me.  When I picked up, a resource teacher that I used to work with cheerily greeted me. As she spoke, my brain went to that place: she does not know that I am not working any more.  I am going to have to tell her and ruin her day. I did so and that happy voice disappeared. A second of silence and then the pain-filled words formulated a question. I had known her a long time and so I was honest without being brutal. Ugh! I thought. Another resource teacher will find a moment to sit and be filled with sorrow at this news. The first time I told one of my favourite resource teachers when I was initially diagnosed, she went into her principal’s office and wept. The mystery of God’s will is not so clear to many of us with this and so many other unexpected turns in the road.

I am also not convinced that it is God’s will but I do suspect that God is at work here. These are theological questions too challenging for the likes of me. When I stood before the tomb of St. Clare in Assisi and found myself sobbing uncontrollably, I did not know what it meant until the diagnosis came months later. God was showing me what was ahead. Was it God’s will or simply the fact that God knew what I would be facing and wanted to assure me that the Holy One was with me? I do not believe in a magic-wand God. I do believe in a God of miracles and the power of prayer and spiritual blessings. All along the way, God was revealing glimpses of what was to come and what I would need.

Blessed be God still flows from my innermost being. I do not think I need to crack the code to know the mystery of God’s will. I think I must simply admit that God is the Creator and I am the creature who will be used to glorify God in some ways if I trust. I have not asked why me, only why not me? I have no special privilege or place of honour among anyone else. I do not feel entitled. There is no life line that I can use to dodge the outcome. There are many life savers along the way that I gratefully accept. I will take each spiritual blessing that arrives and walk this path with as much grace as I can. I know that this in God’s good hands and that is enough. I will let the Mystery remain so and appreciate that for the gift it can be.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Can you raise your voice in praise Blessed be God who has blessed me?

Are you able to stand in the Mystery of God’s Will and be at peace?

Prayer

Praise be to your, Creator God, from your humble creature. Thank you for your many blessings. May I stand in the Mystery of your Divine Will and know peace. Amen.

 

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Lamentable Past

Posted on October 12, 2016 by sstyves

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The quote at the end of today’s mass readings was by St. Francis Xavier: Speak to them of the great mercy of God… Sometimes people are helped by your telling of your own lamentable past.  I often wonder why I live my story out loud like this – perhaps a part of it lies within that quote. By telling my own story, I hope that I  give strength and courage to someone who needs it.

Psalm 1 speaks of people who take their delight in the law of the Lord and meditate on the holy law day and night. These people are like trees planted by streams of water  which yield their fruit in its proper season and their leaves do not wither.   The one who can withstand a lamenting, may be like that tree. We can meditate on the holy law and be nourished by the water that feeds us. Our leaves do not wither;  our strength does not falter. In the First Reading from Galatians 5 the fruit of the Spirit is listed as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. If we live in the Spirit and are guided by that same Spirit we can meditate on the holy law and bear such fruit. From this fruit, we  can speak of the great glory and mercy of God and tell our own sad stories in order to bear up those who may also suffer from similar situations.

Most of us do not know what resides in the hearts of those around us. We have no idea what someone else can be experiencing. Looks can be deceiving.  I am part of a closed group on Facebook for my type of cancer. On Thanksgiving Day someone posted the passing of one of the members of the group. It shocked people because four months ago that person had looked great – perhaps hardly sick at all.  This cancer is aggressive   and relentless. I could not help but think a friend of mine who passed away a few years ago. I brought her the Eucharist on a weekly basis each Saturday.  When I left one Saturday I never suspected that I would not see her the following week. I had no idea that she was so close to death.   Part of the lamentable story  is the ongoing reminder that life is fragile – we never know when we will be moving on. For me, knowing that I belong to God and will return to my Creator brings me great peace.  I acknowledge that not everyone around me believes this but for me it is what allows me to be somewhat free of this life.  That is not to say that I am ready yet to leave this place and go to the next, but I am not afraid to die.

The mercy of God is at the centre of my trust. There is no leaving this world without breaking some hearts, but I believe that God will uphold the ones that I love in order for them to carry on loving life and living fully. I also believe that this mercy extends to me and that I will be forgiven for all those moments when I continue to still sin. I heard myself say something today that was negative about someone that I do not really have a quarrel with.  I am not sure why I even said it. It was not relevant in some ways to the conversation I was having. As soon as I said it, I wondered why I had.  As I did my nightly Examen, I realize I am far from being filled with grace. As much as I would like to be the kind of person who is transformed before I die into a more saintly person, I must admit  that my humanity is always before me.   Somehow, ironically, that brings a smile to my face. I am reminded that God’s mercy is something that I will always need to seek, until I draw my last breath.  That is a very good thing.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

When was the last time you felt the mercy of God?

Is there a lamentable story from your past that would inspire someone?

Prayer

Merciful God, fill me with the fruits of your Spirit so that I may live each day with these gifts in order to serve you better. Amen.

 

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Singing Hearts

Posted on October 10, 2016 by sstyves

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What makes your heart sing? This photo makes me think of The Colour Purple, where one of the character says: I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don’t notice it.   Finding God in all things is a discipline. For most of us it does not come easily. In the Thanksgiving reading today from Colossians 3, the author says with gratitude in your hearts sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs to God. Whatever we do, we should do in the name of Jesus, giving thanks to God. Our hearts should sing every waking hour if possible.

Some days that is easier than others. When all is well with the world, we can find a song in our heart. Sometimes though we get caught up in life and distracted by the banal and we forget to sing–or dance in the kitchen in the morning. We forget to seek the Presence. This was not the case this morning where I did do my little kitchen dance and sang in my heart. By afternoon, I had become preoccupied with the crazy political situation in the United States and how women in our world suffer. I wondered if the world will ever be a safe place for females and if males can ever really comprehend our reality.

Then I went to see Queen of Katwe and my heart found its music again–even in the heartbreaking moments and the fear that the females in the film are faced with. My beloved Africa will ever have a place in my heart.  As Phiona walks her slum neighbourhood in Uganda, flashbacks of DR Congo, Rwanda, Burundi, Kenya, and South Africa stirred. I could almost smell the maize cooking, feel the rain pouring down, see the clothing colours flash, hear the music from the girl’s school, and taste the food offered so many years ago. At one point, I felt the rise of my anguish, wondering if I will ever set foot again on the red soil that has worked its way into my bloodstream. Africa makes my heart sing.

On this Thanksgiving Day, what is it that makes your heart sing? Have you said thank you?

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What makes your heart sing with gratitude?

What is a source of desolation or distraction lately?

Prayer

Creator, teach my heart to sing with gratitude and pour into me a spirit that longs to serve you. Move me to seek your Presence daily and find you in all things. Amen.

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Praising God Loudly

Posted on October 9, 2016 by sstyves

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Canadian Thanksgiving occurs up in my part of the world this weekend. It is easy to give thanks this year, despite the cloud that could hang over my head. I am grateful for the graces I have received at the hands of a marvelous medical team and a caring community that surrounds me. I appreciate that I still “look great” and have sufficient energy for most tasks. While I still fall into apathy some days and forget that I am a walking miracle, this day, I am remembering how blessed I am. God has been so very good to me.

The readings today are all about gratitude. Naaman immerses himself in the Jordan seven times and rises to find his skin restored, cleansed of his ailment. His desire is to move to an action of gratitude, to gift the Giver. Paul writes Timothy in the Second Reading as a prison in chains who extols the Faithful One. Of the 10 lepers cured in the Gospel of Luke, only one sees that he is healed, and turns back, praising God loudly. Can we give God praise loudly even in adversity–especially–when we find ourselves somewhere that we never had hoped to be? Even Jesus asks the question as to where the other nine are. It is the foreigner, the alien, the one who seemingly does not belong in the Gospel story, that returns to Jesus to give thanks and humble himself by prostrating on the ground before him.

When was the last time you felt so completely grateful that you crumbled to your knees before Jesus and gave thanks?  I remember several times during my illness that surge of gratitude coming over me, bringing tears to my eyes–after the embolization procedure, awaking in the recovery room,  having no evidence of the disease at my first scan after surgery, seeing hundreds of people at my 55th birthday party. Honestly, unless you have been experienced this I cannot explain with words the immense emotional rush that accompanies this gratitude. Throwing myself at the feet of Christ seems like the closest image I can use to explain it….a sense of not wanting to hug the Merciful One but simply cling to his feet and weep because I am unable to articulate how joy, relief, awe, and humility can reside in the same space so loudly and collaboratively. The marvel is that Jesus will have no part of it, asking us to rise and go on our way.

Living with a disease that alienates like leprosy does can strip away many character traits and fortify others. The decision to live well, whatever it is that plagues us, can make all the difference.  Living with cancer–not dying from it–is a subtle shift in thinking that creates an attitude of positivity rather than negativity. Part of living well is nurturing a grateful spirit and for me, remembering that Jesus is the One who extends mercy. When I keep my eyes on Jesus, it will be my faith that makes me well.

Not many of us will find ourselves before the Holy One, begging for mercy. At least that is my hope but perhaps it is unrealistic. Maybe it is truer to say that all of us at least once in our lives will keep our distance in shame, pain, and fear but still find a sliver of courage to ask for mercy for ourselves or someone in our lives. Cancer is so prevalent that sadly the later is probably more accurate. The darkness of whatever it is that needs to be lifted will imprison us.  This is when we must most remain faithful to the the Faithful One. Jesus will be there when we want to return with thanks. May we praise him loudly when we do.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Remember how blessed you are. What comes to mind to give thanks for?

Has gratitude ever brought you to your knees?

Prayer

Merciful One, you tell us to rise and go on our way because our faith has healed us. Help us to believe that you desire our wholeness. Do not let us keep our distance or keep silent in our needs. May we learn to prostrate ourselves before you in complete gratitude for answering our prayers.  Keep us faithful to you alone. Amen.

 

 

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Asking to Receive

Posted on October 6, 2016 by sstyves

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We pray for what we desire — Scripture tells us to as in Luke 11 today — and then we wait and see if we receive it. Prayer takes on many forms: intercession, praise, adoration, thanksgiving, petition.  Like the man in today’s Gospel, we may stand outside asking and knocking until the Holy One answers the door. What do we think of this One who opens the door when we do not get the answer we hoped for? How do we deal with what looks like a  stone when we asked for bread or a scorpion when we asked for an egg? Our expectations may look different than what is placed before us. What then?

How do we see God in times of struggle? When we try to save face in order to provide for those in need and need to humble ourselves like the person in the Gospel, do we dare boldly ask for what we need? Some of us will not. We will stand stubborn in our shame or complain without trying to remedy the problem. Are we afraid of no? Of being further embarrassed or stressed? Of waiting for the door to be opened at all? Who is this on the other side?

We ask for what we think is within God’s will and yet we may not have completely discerned that. A story from the life of Blessed Marie-Rose Durocher whose Feast Day we celebrate today illustrates how we must be faithful to God, even if it is hard.  On her deathbed, she asked a sister to stop praying for her as she was keeping her here and she wished to go Home. This moved me when I read it–I had to do the same for my own sister.  I distinctly remember realizing that many were praying for her to be cured and raising my own prayer, asking it to supersede all others and mercifully bring her Home. The nurse came five minutes later to say she would be dying momentarily if we wanted to go to her bedside.

I believe in a Merciful God who will answer the door when we knock. The answer will come and it may not look like the bread we desire or the egg we asked for. However I think the outcome will be more amazing than we expected. Blessed Marie Rose knew this and we can learn the lesson too.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What do you need to ask for?

How do you expect the answer to be given?

Prayer

I knock at the door, filled with longing, but boldness. I know you are merciful. I trust you to answer and give what is needed. May I receive this with grace and peace. Amen.

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Pax et Bonum

Posted on October 4, 2016 by sstyves

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Peace and goodness be with you! The Feast Day of St. Francis of Assisi makes my heart sing. The pilgrimage I took in 2014 marked me.  The pieces of the puzzle began to fall further into place during the journey and time in Assisi, as I sat in front of the San Damien cross, stood in front of St. Clare’s tomb, and read the words Go rebuild my church at the Cathedral of St. Francis. I have returned to these moments again and again.

I carried with me the prayers of many to the holy cross in the Basilica of St. Clare. These needs were placed lovingly before the Divine Creator as promised. They had been raised along the way in Paris, Taize, and Rome. Now they were given to God. Some have born beautiful fruit while others had surprise endings. My own prayers to help rebuild my parish community are slowly taking shape two years later. We sometimes do not know what we ask for but we trust for good outcomes nonetheless.

St. Francis was a man whose conversion was complete. He gave up his old ways and surrendered to God. His life took on a drastically different trajectory. God had plans for this young man that were unlike those others had for him. When Francis heard the call, he embraced it and the world has never been the same. Born in 1182 to a wealthy cloth dealer, not unlike St. Ignatius, Francis dreamed of a life of grandeur and adventure. He left all of these romantic ideas and became radically poor and simple. His messages of love, service, interfaith healing, and care of the earth are still relevant today.  The fact that Pope Francis took his name shows that he too feels called to rebuild the Church, using some of the same basic principles that Francis professed. Francis bore the Stigmata–or marks of Christ’s crucifixion. This man knew the cross well. Francis experienced Jesus in disguise as a leper; we too must look for Christ in those among us.

I hold my experience in Assisi as a mystical enlightenment that is slowly revealing itself to me.  My life looks different than it did in 2014. My body has a new liver that is sustaining me. My career within the government has ended. Instead I try to see how best to serve God in other ways. My address is about to change too, but unlike Francis, I will be living in more extravagant surroundings. However, this may limit what I can do. My faith is growing in new ways that I have not yet been able to articulate even to myself. I know that God is ever present to me. I have always known that but this is different now. I wonder how Francis noticed the subtle inner changes. I have always struggled to know what my true vocation is….and that remains. What now, Creator? How do you want me to love, honour and serve you now?

Francis seemed to desire peace and goodness for others and that is what is on my own heart tonight. Whatever is to come must be for the glory of God and for the greater good. I have some major decisions to make about my life in the next few months and I long to stay close to God in my discernment.  As I did before the cross, I will bring each of you with me, praying for those who pray for me.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What do you want to be remembered for?

Can you pray before the cross with an open heart?

Prayer

Creator, I come before the cross and lift up the prayers of all those in need, myself included. Here with blood running down the wood, I remember the great cost of following you. I long to live more simply and to follow you more closely. Give me eyes to see the modern-day lepers who need my love. Change my heart so that I desire nothing but you. Amen.

 

 

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