You Shepherds

Posted on August 18, 2016 by sstyves

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This post is about the challenging aspects of community. I read yesterday’s First Reading from Ezekiel with some sadness. At the funeral earlier that day, I had two conversations with people who had been let down by community, and in particular by the shepherd of the community. My own personal struggle with the pastor had nearly broken me. I almost walked away a number of times but the community held me there. The cost of remaining was dear. I am still easily reminded how fragile I am in this regard so as I listened to these two folks share their pain, I recognized their angst and anger.

God does not hold back in Ezekiel. Should not shepherds feed the sheep? ….You have not strengthen the weak you have not healed the sick, you have not bound up the injured, you have not brought back the strayed, and you have not sought the lost….So they were scattered…my sheep were scattered…with no one to search or seek for them. God says that God will search for such sheep and rescue them. Harsh words for shepherds of the flock. Not all of us are given such grave responsibilities in our work but clearly, when it comes to our faith, God is not happy when the flock is scattered.

Today’s First Reading continues a few chapters later and God is offering to put a new heart and spirit within us so that we may follow the Holy Laws given us. I think both the shepherd and the sheep need renewal once the sheep nearly starve to death. I have returned to several conversations that I have had over the years since the incidents have happened. This is not the first church I have seen the flock scattered at–nor does it happen only in the Catholic Church. I have seen it across denominations. I also have an American female friend who is angry that so many priests in the USA have gotten away with the sexual abuse committed and that justice was never served. I do wonder who answers to God about those who have left the Church because of shepherds who have not done the work that they have been ordained to do and trusted to carry out. I do not think most are bad people; I believe, that like the sheep, they are wounded and act out of their brokenness. We have a long way to go in community. We do many elements of worshiping together well. We still have some lessons to learn about how to deal with what goes wrong. In the meantime, I offer prayers for all those who remain scattered. I hope their anger, weariness, or pain can be healed and that God will massage their hearts until they are renewed. I would love to see them back in the pasture again. In this year of mercy, the flock may need to extend the shepherd some grace.  I pray for them too.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Have you ever experienced being scattered?

How much mercy have you shown towards the one that scattered the flock?

Prayer

Shepherd of Life, you look upon your flock with love and mercy. Keep us from harm. Give us new hearts and spirits when they have been broken. Heal us and lead us to restful pastures. Amen.

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Community Love

Posted on August 18, 2016 by sstyves

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I returned home from my most recent travels in a bit of a funk. It has taken me several days to de-funk and unpack what has been going on for me. I acknowledged yesterday that I was grumpy and hating myself for that. I do not easily accept my inner grump. I need to work on that, I suppose. I was weary and not sleeping well. My soul was tired.  The leave-takings are hard on my spirit. When I say goodbye to people, I never really know if I will see them again. No matter how positive I am that I will surpass the months I have been given, I still have no assurance that I will. None of us know the days we are given.

I could feel this morning that my mood was shifting for the better. I was digging myself out of the tiredness after a decent night’s sleep. I decided that today would be a beach day after I went to morning mass and ran a handful of errands. As I walked into my church after struggling to find a parking spot, I suspected there was a funeral despite no hearse being visible. I parked several blocks away and asked the funeral home staff whose funeral it was. Ah, I knew the woman and her surviving daughter as active parishioners. The church was full. I glanced around, recognizing many who gathered to send off this faithful servant and support her remaining family members.

I listen and watch with different senses now when I attend a funeral service, taking mental notes about what I like and want at my own celebration of life. These events are really for the living, a way of closure and tribute. I found myself smiling often at the loveliness of today’s thoughtful rememberings of the deceased. As the words of Songs of the Angels  filled the church along with the incense at the end of the mass, I was grateful for the Love found within this community which upholds its members.  I have known this presence completely and deeply over the decades and I am not disappointed in the way parishioners have supported me.

After mass, I chatted with several folks in the church before heading downstairs for the reception. I had been missed while I was away and many wanted to check in with me. I had not seen one man in a long time and I approached him, receiving a warm hug from him. I knew that he would not have heard my news and I listened to him share his own story and how being back at the church not easy before telling him mine. The community had not been as generous to him in his personal struggle.  I told him that I had missed him. He was one of the first leaders who had taken me under his wing, and if truth be told, I had had a crush on him. He was saddened to hear my news. I also sensed that he knew his choice to not attend mass any more kept him somewhat out of the loop. He said a lot of affirming words to me and my heart was filled with the Love he gave. What had bound us together thirty years ago remained. He is still part of the Body to me.

By the time I reached the basement, the reception was in full swing.  This is what I long for after my funeral–the fellowship that lifts the wounded, hurting spirit to a place of hospitality, joy and caring. The tables were full and groups gathered around, laughing, sharing stories, and being present to each other. This is what I have loved most about my community – we do love each other. We are the Body of Christ for one another. Several of my favourite seniors checked in with me and I with them. Friends stopped by to greet me. Even the daughter of the deceased got to me before I could express my sympathy to her. One woman who I am just getting to know who is the dear friend of one of my friends and I had a conversation that I treasure tonight as I review my day.  She commented that I had the love and support of this community because I had nurtured and valued it. She is right, of course.  I long for it for her and for everyone.

As I walked back to my car, I met a parishioner who lives across from the church. I told him that my beach plans were canceled for the day but I did not mind.  God had provided me with what I had needed.  Interestingly enough, I even decided to wear a little black dress as I left my house this morning. An angel must have nudged me to do so. Driving off to do my errands I replayed the conversations I had with people and as I think about it now, I think if I had looked at my feet, I would have seen angel feathers scattered around me.  My funk has been lifted and my joy restored. God is so good to me.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Do you recognize the Love of God in your presence?

What do you love about your community?

Prayer

Body of Christ, filled with Light and Love, enwrap me in your Holy Heart until I can stand again because of your healing grace. Amen.

 

 

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Looking to Jesus

Posted on August 14, 2016 by sstyves

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Brothers and sisters, Hebrews often begins, and the second reading tonight is no different. The assembly is listening as Paul speaks, encouraging us to remember that we are not alone, but surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses.  We are running a race that requires perseverance and to run it we must drop our suitcases and all that weighs us down. We must shrug off the sin that desires our defeat. It is Jesus, the perfecter of our faith, who knows best our struggles, the weight of our cross light compared to the one he dragged through the streets to the hill of Calvary.  He suffered so that we may be free and longs for us to not grow weary or discouraged on our path. We must look to Jesus for Light on our our way.

In the first reading, the misunderstood prophet Jeremiah is thrown into a cistern, where he sank into the mud. Through the intervention of an Ethiopian who reports the incident to the king, Jeremiah is saved. We are not alone, brothers and sisters, in our trials. Jesus sends other witnesses to help us run if we keep our eyes on him. Psalm 40 tells us that the Lord will draw us up from the desolate pit and set our feet upon solid rock.

Every time I return home from a trip, I feel a certain relief to be back into routine–to sleep in my own bed, to shower quietly where I usually spend some time in prayer, to dance to the music as I prepare my breakfast, and to return to family and friends. Don’t misunderstand–I love to travel, but I also am grateful for my life here. I am looking forward to staying home for a bit before my next journey. I want to be somewhat selfish with this week so that I am rested when I next depart. I want to keep my eyes on Jesus for these next few days, without too many distractions. I am cognizant that at some point I may need to bend down and tighten my running shoes for this race. Certain things will have to occur over the next few months and it is time to drop some of the excess baggage that I have been dragging around.

I need eagle eyes to look at my life in the next few weeks, discerning where best to put my energies and my time. I have an agenda that is non-negotiable and I will have to learn how to best carry that cross until certain events like decluttering, downsizing, moving, and a couple of projects are done. Some days I stand on shifting sand instead of solid rock, unable to tell acquaintances that I am cannot see them but I think I am scrambling up the rock since my time away. I am learning some hard lessons about boundaries and I know not everyone will accept them gracefully. I sink in the mud that I have jumped into on my own accord but maybe if I look to Jesus I may learn from the Master how important alone time is. The bulk of my mandatory travels are over. What remains is mostly a wish list. This means I can hunker down and get a few things done. I look forward to that.

I will depend on my great cloud of witnesses aka friends to help me find my way on setting new boundaries and helping me with some necessary tasks. I do not want this path to have so much internal angst on it regarding my schedule. When I do my Examen at night, I want to look back over my day and know that my time was spent on God’s purpose for me, not on pleasing others. When I look ahead to the day that is coming, I do not want to experience stress regarding the decisions I must make for how best to use my time. Looking so well elicits a lack of understanding from people as they cannot see that my energy is not what it used to be. I think boundaries will be the life lesson I will study intensely in the coming months. It is never too late to learn a new skill.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What life lesson do you need to keep your eyes on Jesus to learn?

Are you standing on shifting sands or solid rock?

Prayer

Sands shift, O God, but you set me on solid ground, pulling me out of the mire and confusion to rescue me. We pick up crosses that are not ours to carry. Help us to drop them and run the race you desire for us, free of the burdens that are not meant for us in the first place. Remove the sins that bind us to unhealthy decisions and habits and create a new way for us. Amen.

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Change of Purpose

Posted on August 12, 2016 by sstyves

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I am sitting at the airport, awaiting my flight home. I will be boarding shortly. I am ready to come home. The time away has been fabulous on many levels but I need to be moving on and paying attention to some other things. I am sure I will sleep on the plane. My brain is tired, my body cranky a bit. My spirit feels somewhat weary too. These leave-takings are never easy for me.

I came across this boat on one of my walks along White Rock beach. I wondered its story–how did it get there, what had it seen in life, who had explored the waters with it, and when had it arrived here. I am curious by nature. I also questioned what its purpose was now, here on this shore. Would it provide housing for other creatures now? Would it make children squeal with delight as they explored it? What could it be used for now?

In the twinkling of an eye, situations can change, purposes can shift.  Be grateful.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What is your current purpose?

What state is your boat in right now?

Prayer

God, show me my purpose. Restore me. Amen.

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Exile Baggage

Posted on August 12, 2016 by sstyves

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Today’s reading from Ezekiel  12  mentions an exile’s baggage. Ezekiel is told by the Lord to prepare himself to go into exile.  He is to prepare his baggage for exile. He shall carry this baggage through a hole in the wall that he will dig.  He shall lift the baggage and carry it out in the dark, with his face covered. Ezekiel does with the Lord commands him to.

As I heard these words at mass this morning I had the same reaction as reading them earlier in the day. What is an exile’s baggage?  What is it that we carry around as an outsider? It made me wonder what I was lugging through the dark these days. I do feel a certain heaviness sometimes lately. I seem to be a little more tired than I would like to be. Is it perhaps because of something I am carrying?   Most of us have something that we haul around that maybe we do not even need.  Of course, being on vacation, I am toting a suitcase that seems to get heavier along the way even though I am not really adding anything to it on my journey.  What is it that we carry and drag through holes in walls that we build and drag along in the dark? Can we do what the Lord is asking us to do?

Today is the feast day of Saint Clare and she has been on my mind these past few days.  I cannot help but remember my time in front of her tomb in Assisi.  I still do not completely understand what happened nor do I know exactly what God was trying to tell me. I wonder if Ezekiel was not  exactly sure what the Lord was saying to him either.  I know that God was showing me something but I still do not know exactly what the message is yet. During my illness, I realized that God was showing me that I would face death but that I would not be alone.

I have had a day of feeling unusually tired and I have found that frustrating. My brain seems lacking in clarity a bit, too. I have this image of me dragging myself along…of feeling like an exile in my own body that betrays me on a whim. I remember how sick  Saint Clare was at one point in her life and then she suddenly rallied. I do not know what my future holds for me but I need to not let it be baggage for me.  I need to drop the suitcases that seem filled with stones and to run the race that God is setting before me. I cannot have heavy baggage on this journey. I must learn  to be gentle with myself, and not judge myself by standards that I am no longer able to uphold. Tomorrow may bring a different level of energy  and I must be open to this, either way.  As I tried to check in today for my flight home tomorrow, the system kept booting me out. It was somehow connected with my luggage. I wonder what message I am supposed to be getting about baggage today.  Saint Clare, pray for me.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions 

What heavy baggage are you dragging around?

Are you carrying out what the Lord is commanding of you?

Prayer

Saint Clare, you loved God completely. Show me how to drop my suitcases filled with stones and run the race that God desires. Amen.

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Blessing in Abundance

Posted on August 11, 2016 by sstyves

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The reading today from 2 Corinthians 9 says that God is able to provide you with every blessing in abundance, so that by always having enough of everything, you may share abundantly in every good work.  On this vacation I can relate to that feeling of experiencing every blessing in abundance.  I have been experiencing wonderful moments with family and friends. I am very grateful for each blessing received. I do believe that I have enough of everything. I hope that I am sharing in every good work.

I spent most of the day outside near the ocean, breathing peacefully. The weather cooperated beautifully – it was sunny and warm, with a gentle breeze to ensure that we would not get too hot.  My cousin and I walked along the beach, collecting sea glass as we went, with her two daughters left to entertain themselves for a bit. We had deep and meaningful conversations as we often do when we are together, usually one of us posing a question to the other that requires much thought before answering.

Earlier in the day, my friend and I also shared a precious discussion. She had been asking me throughout my stay with her about what lessons she could glean from me.   At one point, I suddenly began to cry, overwhelmed with the thought that I might not ever see this particular beach again.  She began to reassure me, but I simply said that I knew that what I would see would be so much more beautiful than  what this ocean  has ever offered me.  She not only understood, she also agreed. I know that I have been blessed in abundance here on earth and for that I am incredibly grateful. This vacation has been a mini view of my world – amazing visits with my family and friends in a beautiful backdrop of God’s creation.  What I also know to be true is that this is nothing compared to what is yet to come – there are more blessings in abundance in store.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Do you believe that you receive blessings in abundance?

Do you understand that the blessings to come are even more spectacular than those already received?

Prayer

Ancient One,  you who have created the world and everything in it, bless us extravagantly. Give us hearts to see  your generosity. May our lips always praise your holy name for the great abundance bestowed upon us. Amen.

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Falling on My Face

Posted on August 8, 2016 by sstyves

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Ezekiel is not an easy book from the Hebrew Scriptures to read. The reading this morning from the first chapter is mystical in nature. Ezekiel is having visions of creatures that he tries to describe with words but falls short. He is using earthly language for the heavenly realm and we only  get a glimpse of what he’s trying to share with us. In the end what he sees what he says is the likeness of the glory of the Lord, he falls on his face.

I think sometimes we miss the glory of the Lord here on earth. The other day a friend dropped me off at the beach and the tide was out quite far which allowed me to walk out into the ocean floor a ways. As I started to return to the shore, I suddenly thought how  blessed am I to be alive. I know  that seems like a normal thing for a dying person to say  but in that hour on the beach, I was strictly revelling in the joy of what I was experiencing and not thinking about my cancer, being sick, dying, or any of that. I was  simply enjoying the moment and grateful for the heaven on earth that I was experiencing. I believe that if we truly had eyes to see  that we might not ever rise from our knees because we would be too busy falling on our face as we have knowledged the likeness of the glory of God. St. Ignatius understood clearly that God is in all things; can we?

Yesterday my friends brought me out in search of the eagles but it is the wrong time of year to see them here. I was not disappointed though because I still caught images of spectacular beauty all around me.  Two beautiful dragonflies caught my eye, a bird of prey swooped down and sat on a branch. The trees themselves were majestic and magical, and the highlight was a barn owl which slept in a tree above us. We gorged on plums and blackberries right off the vine as we walked. The day was perfect, even if we did not see an eagle up close.  If we let go of our expectations, God can provide all that we need.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection  Questions 

Have you fallen on your face in awe lately?

When was the last time you thought how blessed you are to be alive?

 Prayer 

Creator God, if we only knew how blessed we were, we would never rise again. Give me eyes to see the likeness of the glory of You and the wherewithal to fall on my face in all and gratitude. Amen.

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God’s Good Pleasure

Posted on August 8, 2016 by sstyves

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Jesus tells us in the Gospel reading from Luke 12 today that we should not be afraid because it is God’s good pleasure to give us the kingdom. How reassuring! Where our treasure is, so there will our hearts be found. We must be dressed for action, with lamps lit, awaiting the master’s return. The Son of Man is coming at an unexpected hour. While it is God’s good pleasure, this story implies we must participate in order to receive.

The presider at mass talked about passive and active action.  He likened waiting to an earthquake preparation kit. When you open the kit you think you have everything you need, but  upon closer inspection you discover that the water has evaporated and the cookies are mouldy. You are not as ready as you thought. We cannot be passively waiting for the Master’s return. We must be prepared.

I thought about this in light of my circumstances. Is my kit ready? Am I prepared to meet my Master? I may not yet be completely ready but I suspect I am not too far off the mark. I believe in a merciful God which colours my thinking about what, in my mind, will happen when I die. I am far from perfect. I know this to be true. I love God with all of my heart. I also know this to be a fact. I believe that God knows my heart. God knows exactly where I believe my treasure to be. I am not passively waiting for the arrival of the Kingdom. I believe that God would be pleased to offer me entrance to the Kingdom when the time comes. I do not think this is an arrogant or misinformed understanding. I humbly believe that my God will not abandon me in my hour of need. My faith has taught me to cling to the hope of heading Home one day. The Second Reading from Hebrews 11 reminds me that faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Following in the footsteps of that great cloud of witnesses that had gone before me, I am hoping that my kit is ready when this world crumbles to a halt for me.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Do you believe it is God’s good pleasure to give you the Kingdom?

How ready is your kit?

Prayer

Creator God, thank you for taking pleasure in blessing me beyond my wildest dreams. Help me to pack a kit that will provide me with what I need and to keep it updated as I wait. Amen.

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Begging for Crumbs

Posted on August 4, 2016 by sstyves

 

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Yesterday’s Gospel was about the Canaanite woman who shouted at Jesus to have mercy on her because her daughter was being tormented by a demon. Jesus initially ignores her and then his disciples get annoyed at her persistent yelling. They ask him to send her away. He takes a hands-off approach, barely acknowledging that she is not his problem since she is not one of the lost sheep of Israel. She takes another avenue, by humbly kneeling before him and asking in a quieter voice for help.  Jesus’ response is startling: It is not fair to take the children’s food and throw it to the dogs. She responds: Yes, Lord, yet even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from the master’s table.  Jesus praises her great faith, one of only two times in the Gospels that he does this, and grants her request. Her daughter is instantly healed.

How many times do we shout at Jesus and believe he ignores us? I have been there more than once in my life. The most significant time was in the hospital chapel, pacing at the back, unable to sit or kneel, as my youngest sister lay dying in a room upstairs. I railed at God, demanding to know if the Almighty One was asleep on the job.  Was God listening to my noise? I believe the answer is yes.  Like Jesus, God heard and was waiting for a change in stance, I think.

i have joined an online support group for patients with cholangiocarcinoma and I see how terrified some are–it is not a judgment but an observation. I have definitely been scared during this experience and had my share of meltdowns. I think that is when I do not sense the Divine though. These are the times that the Evil One sneaks in and plays with my mind and spirit, creating havoc. Only when I quietly kneel in front of Jesus can I clearly hear what he has to say to me–when I become silent and listen. When I ask for even just the crumbs from the altar, knowing this will be enough, I release my sense of entitlement and lovingly assure myself that God will give me what I need, not just what I want. In that moment, I know that I will have more than enough.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

When was the last time you shouted at Jesus?

When was the last time you knelt humbly before Christ and asked for help?

Prayer

Banquet-Provider, give me mere morsels if that is all I need. Ignore my demands of entitlement and help me to humbly kneel before you to receive whatever crumbs you long to give me. This will be more than enough. Amen.

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Getting Out of the Boat

Posted on August 2, 2016 by sstyves

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Matthew 14:22-36 is a Gospel that is used as a contemplation in the Spiritual Exercises. Jesus has left the disciples and gone ahead to the other side. He was going up the mountain to take some time by himself to pray. In the evening,  he walks across the sea to the disciples who are in the boat, being battered by the waves. The disciples see him and are terrified, thinking it is a ghost. They cry out in their fear but Jesus  immediately calls out to them saying, take heart, it is I; do not be afraid. Peter requests to come to Jesus on the water and Jesus invites him to do so. Peter confidently takes the initial few steps but  but at the first strong wind he becomes fearful, begins to sink, and Jesus reaches out and grabs his hand. They return to the boat together. Jesus asks Peter why he had so little faith and why he doubted. I think this contemplation is somewhat easy for people to visualize because we have all been there when fear overtakes us.  We would like to think that we are confident, trusting and strong in faith, but we have all had those moments where we cannot get out of the boat or leapt out and took a couple of strides before sinking. We can relate to these disciples.

What struck me today was that this Gospel continues with the crowds coming in droves with great faith to touch even the fringe of Jesus’ cloak. All who touched it were healed. These people were getting out of their boats, so to speak. They believed that Jesus could heal them and their loved ones.  The contrast touched me, laid out side by side.  I could not help but think that we are both and all of the in between personalities. Some days, we cannot get out of the boat and other days we are able to dive into unknown waters. The person I hope to be is the one who gets out of the boat and heads towards Jesus.  I want to keep moving, free from fear, towards my Beloved and at the very least touch the fringe of his garment. I think these past 20 months have been about putting one step slowly in front of the other and knowing that I must keep moving and trusting God. Staying in the boat is not an option for me.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Are you a stay in the boat or jump on the water type of person by nature?

Do you need to touch the fringe of the cloak of Christ for healing?

Prayer

Walker on waters, help me to jump out of the boat please.  Amen.

 

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