School of Love

Posted on August 14, 2015 by sstyves

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St. Maximilian Kolbe was a Polish Franciscan who was arrested and sent to the concentration camp at Auschwitz during World War II. He had been hiding Jews in the friary. Three months after his arrest by the Gestapo on July 31, 1941, in reprisal for one prisoner’s escape, ten men were chosen to die. Father Kolbe, who was 47 years old, volunteered himself in place of a young father. The offer was accepted and he died weeks later, the last of the ten. When he was very young, he had a vision of the Virgin Mary who foretold that he would die a martyr’s death. Throughout his life he had a great devotion to Our Lady.

Today is his feast day. In the missal, this quote is attributed to him: The cross is a school of love! The illness of cancer is a cross, no doubt about it. In Ignatian language, it is full of consolation and desolation so keeping watch over the inner movements of one’s heart is key with the goal always to remain in the loving hands of God. I had a hard day yesterday. I was feeling as if someone had beat me up, kicked me in my kidneys and tried to wrestle my head off my neck. Yeah, I know it does not sound pleasant. I could not help but think that this is only the mild version of chemotherapy. I cannot imagine what the aggressive form does. I found myself bonding with others who undergo much worse and lifting them up in prayer. This disease is a school of love. I was also blessed by loving friends who allowed me to cry as they served me tea and sang me songs.

St. Maximilian understood the cross as a lesson in love. When ten of his peers were called to the head of the “classroom” he intervened. I wondered if in those last weeks, as one by one, the other men passed on, if he prayed each one through it prior to his own letting go. I suspect it was no accident that he died last.

The cost of the cross is expensive and the tuition fees for this school of love are exorbitant. Christ laid down his life for us and calls us to do the same. Most of us will never be able to step in and offer our lives for another literally but we can do it daily in small acts of dying. We can practice love and dying to ourselves in a variety of ways. Some of us excel so well that we get an A+ for our efforts. What about you? What lesson does St. Maximilian have for you today?

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions
What lessons do you need to learn in the school of love?
The work of the Kingdom is challenging some days. Can you help share the load when someone is being crucified for their ministry?

Prayer

Through the intercessory of
St. Maximilian Kolbe, dear Lord,
school us in the way of Love,
perfect, abiding, and selfless.

Amen.

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Forgive From Your Heart

Posted on August 13, 2015 by sstyves

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Sitting down to work things out with someone who has hurt you is a challenge. In today’s Gospel from Matthew, we hear the story of the slave whose master awards him patience and releases him from his debt. The same slave goes out and ignores the pleas for mercy of those owing him money and throws one into prison. The original master hears about this lack of compassion and calls the wicked slave to him and hands him over to be tortured until the entire debt is repaid.

This is far from a happy tale with a valuable lesson about how God desires us to forgive those who hurt us from our heart. I had an interesting encounter recently. I bumped into someone who I had not seen in years, maybe even a decade or more. As I was leaving where I was she was seated with her back towards me so I gently squeezed her shoulder to greet her. She was surprised. She had heard I was sick and had been praying for me. I caught her up on how I was and then she caught me off guard by asking me to forgive her. Puzzled, I asked her why. She mentioned that she had ignored me for a long time–something I had never noticed. She had been carrying around a heavy burden of anger and resentment for years. I asked her what I had done to trigger her behaviour. Apparently I had not called her when I said I would. I asked for her forgiveness. She said it was not necessary as she owned the whole issue. I told her I was glad she was free of the baggage she had been carrying around.

Our words can heal or hurt. Often we have no idea that we have wounded someone by our words or actions because that was never our intent. All I could think of as I drove away was the number of years that she had carried this around and I felt tremendously sad that I had initiated such a long-standing, heavy weight around her heart. I wished that we had sat down years ago to clear it up. I hope there are not too many other people out there who I have wounded by an act of omission. Lord, have mercy on and patience with me.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Have you ever hung on to something that weighed you down? What would it take to release it?
When have you been called to forgive someone who has wronged you?

Prayer

Slave to my sins,
I need a Master who
is compassionate beyond my
narrow view to both
forgive and be forgiven.
Teach me, Lord, to
show mercy and love
whenever possible.

Amen.

Posted in #BibleStories, #CancerSurvivor, #prayer, Catholic, Christian, Faith, Ignatian, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

Beauty in Its Time

Posted on August 12, 2015 by sstyves

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King Solomon had it right: Everything is beautiful in its time. I am pulling myself out of my pity party with a little help from my friends. This garden sign was a gentle reminder today. As I have pondered this decision to proceed with chemotherapy I am well supported by so many people who have assured me that I have made the right decision. Their relief is often tangible in their messages and phone calls. A Jesuit friend suggested that I could view this as a gift, since in Canada the health care system is free and much of the costs for everything are taken care of. He also suggested doing something I had already done, which was to join in solidarity with other cancer patients around the world. As I begin my treatments, I am determined to find the gift in this experience as well as being a gift to others if I can.

This morning I said a prayer to Saint (Padre) Pio that begins Teach us too, We pray you, humility so that we may be among the humble…. I have stumbled over those words many times over the past many months since receiving this prayer card. I do not know exactly what I am praying for when I say those words but they unnerve me a bit. I asked that I might learn what they mean for my life. It would be later in the day that I open Ann Voskamp’s blog post and see that Eugene Cho was the guest blogger today. He had a hint of the lesson I still need to learn. You can read the whole post here http://www.aholyexperience.com/2015/08/when-our-bigs-plans-unspoken-dreams-arent-turning-out-at-all/ but in summary Cho is a pastor who was hoping to plant a new church when he ends up taking a janitorial job instead. Life turned out differently than the dreams he had for a bit. The experience was humbling but he used it to God’s good glory. If I’m honest, he admits, I struggled with my pride. Ouch! That resonated with me. I want to be honest with people about how I am not finding cancer easy but it is humbling. The other day in talking with the pharmacist at the grocery store I began to cry when she asked me a simple question. I apologized and she assured me that was not necessary as she admitted talking to me made her a bit emotional too as someone in her family has cancer too. We bonded for a moment and that was beautiful to me.

Cho goes on to say something that I have been saying too but in different words, words that echo the words from Passover–Dayenu: The Lord gave us enough. The pastor had been on food stamps and he learned to trust God in new ways. My words have been that I have everything I need. Cho examines his attitude and confesses: It was also the process by which He resurrected the dry bones of my life amid the scarcity of faith and trust, and the clutter of so much noise and self-doubt. It was the journey by which God reignited my joy in, and reliance on, prayer.

Again, these words sounded like a deep Truth to me. I still have so much to learn about prayer and while many friends would disagree, I think that perhaps this is where I will learn some of my humility as I let my dry bones be resurrected. When I took the week-long retreat with the Buddhist Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, I learned that everything could be a prayer. I implemented some of that wisdom but I have lost it in the clutter of the noise of my life. Perhaps I will have life breathed into these dry bones again as I learn to pray at all times. In Ignatian language, I must keep an even more attentive eye to spot God in all things. This includes especially the desolation that will come with chemotherapy. I must bring God into the chair with me during my treatments. God has this and I need to let God work through me.

Cho quotes Henri Nouwen: Just as bread needs to be broken in order to be given, so, too, do our lives. That grain of wheat image I spoke of the other day returns. I must be broken open to be healed. The chemotherapy may be the cure. Surely the poison will kill more than just any stray cancer cell but the hurting may be the healing. This is the paradox we face in life. Cho concludes with something I have said over these past months–he,and I, are keeping our eyes on Jesus. If I can do this, then I can see the beauty in its time.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

When you look at the dry bones of your life, what will bring them resurrection?
Recount a situation when the Lord gave you enough. Were you aware of it at the time?

Prayer

Every single thing is beautiful in its time.
Every little thing.
Yes, even the painful cross-bearing has beauty.
Bread whole must be broken to be shared.
Bread must be sliced to be useful.
Bread of Life, you give enough.
May I humbly keep my eyes on You
So that you may show me the beauty
of this experience.

Amen.

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St. Clare, Pray for Us!

Posted on August 11, 2015 by sstyves

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This is the fountain outside of St. Clare’s Basilica in Assisi. I look back on this feast day to a saint who I have prayed to often this past year. She was quite remarkable and I suspect I still have much to learn from her. Her poverty is a model of sorts as I let go of so much still. Today’s first infusion of chemotherapy went well but I am tired and so off to bed early.

St. Clare, pray for us!

Reflection Questions:

What saint brings you insights on your faith journey?
What riches do you need to let go of?

Prayer

Teach us, O Lord,
through the example of
St. Clare how better to love you
completely and without limit.

Amen.

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Steady Hearts

Posted on August 10, 2015 by sstyves

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Today, in Psalm 112, the psalmist says that their hearts are firm, secure in the Lord. Their hearts are steady, they will not be afraid. John 12 is the discourse regarding the grain of wheat which falls into the earth and dies in order to bear much fruit. My heart is somewhat steady tonight now that my decision is made. I apologize to some of my loved ones reading this who will hear learn the news here. I wanted to write it all out in one message to everyone at the same time.

On Friday, I met with the oncologist who surprised me with the news that when the doctors met in grand rounds they recommended chemotherapy. Initially, chemo was not an option. I was a bit shell-shocked by the announcement. I had just begun to plan my life again, when I was broadsided by this news. The decision was ultimately mine and after asking a bunch of questions, I signed all the papers and took the weekend to consider this plan of action. St. Ignatius recommends that one does not make a decision when in desolation and that echoed in my mind.

I have struggled at various points during these past seven months. Cancer is an unsettling disease. I know many people think I have been strong and there is truth in that but honestly I know that I have been carried by all the prayers and love that have surrounded me. I am unsure where I would be without it but the strength I show is not mine alone; the power of an incredible community fortifies my heart and makes it steady. Of course, for me, my mantra is God.has.this.

The cancer I have is rare. The literature is divided about whether chemotherapy will stave off a recurrence because there are not many statistics. The goal is to be proactive and ensure that no stray cancer cells remain in my body. Because I am young (that was what the medical team said–God bless them!) and otherwise healthy, the belief is that a milder dose of chemotherapy will shift the odds in my favour. The side effects of this chemo are not as severe as stronger doses. Apparently I will even be able to work at least part-time.

The frustrating thing about cancer is that one is always readjusting expectations and plans. This is what sent me into a tiny downward spiral over the weekend. I was thinking about what my work schedule would look like, making travel plans, and discerning service opportunities. As the plans fell out of my hands at the news, I crawled back into God’s protective hands and had my mini meltdown. I have emerged with my heart steady and while my knees may quake somewhat at the unknown of what is to come, I am girded with faith and resilience. God is in all things, and mostly definitely God is here. I will die to my fears and frustrations in order to have new life and bear the fruit that God is planting in this.

I think it is no coincidence that I will begin my treatment on the Feast Day of St. Clare of Assisi. St. Clare has accompanied me since last summer when I wept unknowingly by her tomb. The quote in the daily missal for tomorrow by her is: Go forth without fear, for he who created you has made you holy, has always protected you and loves you as a mother. On the eve of her feast on August 11, and of the initial chemo infusion, I find great comfort in these words. God has created me holy, has always protected me and loves me tenderly. I will go forth without fear.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions:

When has your steady heart gotten you through a tough situation?
How do you find God in all things, including the challenges?

Prayer

Steady my heart, O God
Strengthen my quaking knees
I shall not be afraid
Because You are with me
Gathering up the fruit
that falls plentiful
around me as I die
to myself and my dreams
Plant the seeds that will
blossom for all to see
Seeds that bring You glory.

Amen.

Posted in #BibleStories, #CancerSurvivor, #Consolation, #Desolation, #Miracles, #prayer, Catholic, Christian, Faith, Ignatian, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Angel Touches

Posted on August 9, 2015 by sstyves

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My friends know how much I love angels. Today’s first reading from 1 Kings 19 tells of Elijah’s journey into the wilderness where he plunks himself down under a broom tree and has a pity party. Gosh, can I relate!

This weekend was a tough one for me as I was trying to discern a major decision and to let go of some plans that I was making. I did not quite get to the place of Elijah who says It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life. My words were probably more like It is enough, O Lord, this sucks already. As Elijah, so I too, have been visited by angels this weekend. Amidst my tears and hiding out in my bed, I could feel God at work.

Elijah too lay down under that broom tree to sleep away his distress. Suddenly, we are told, an angel touched him. An angel touched him! Imagine! This creature tells him to get up and eat. A small cake and a jar of water appear and he complies. A second time the Angel of the Lord comes and touches him, encouraging him to get up and eat or else he will be unable to do the journey that awaits. That food gives him strength for forty days and forty nights. What a beautiful story! What began as despair ends in joy with the touch of an angel.

This angel-delivery of bread came down from heaven, just as in the Gospel, we hear that Jesus is the Bread of Life that comes down from heaven. Psalm 34 invites us to taste and see that the Lord is good. The Angel of the Lord encamps around the people and delivers them, the psalmist writes. The poor one called, and the Lord heard and saved that person from every trouble.

I spent a fair amount of time this weekend, pondering my dilemma, crying out to God, and discovering that once again I have everything I need. God is already at work and has this. Friday afternoon I went for a walk with a friend who told me that she has never seen me have a pity party once in these many months of waiting, diagnosis, treatment and recovery. That was kind of her because she does hear the hard stuff, the stuff not everyone lets me say, or that can be received well. Friday night I joined friends for vespers, Adoration, and supper. The conversation during the course of the evening led me to further consolation. I know that I am not alone.

Saturday though I felt stuck and could see that I was numbing by whittling away the day. That evening I decided to watch Wit, with Emma Thompson portraying Vivian Bearing, an English professor who has terminal cancer. She is subjected to a trial treatment before succumbing to her illness. Vivian goes the journey alone, quite differently than I do. Most of the medical staff around her are clinical and uncaring. This has not been my experience and I felt the heaviness begin to lift as I watched the movie. Oddly enough, the friend who loaned it to me worried that it might depress me.

This morning, I found myself still struggling with reaching peace about decisions. I emailed a friend who is an oncologist and arranged a phone chat. By the end of that, I was in tears but felt much better. He was incredibly caring and asked me some good questions. An angel of the Lord had reached down and touched me.

Afterwards, a long bike ride helped me release the pent-up energy I have been feeling. I came home and ate and drank, just like Elijah. I was gathering strength for the road ahead. Tonight at mass, I ran into someone I had not seen in years who specializes in pain management. After greeting him with joy at his new life adventures, I went to sit down but turned back and asked if I might speak to him after mass. As I shared with him my dilemma, he reached out and pulled me close in a bear hug before telling me to call him this week in the office.

Just when I thought that things could not get any better, an ex-offender I know called me over and started to tell me his story. He had not seen me at the prison where I volunteer monthly and when I told him why, he stopped talking about himself and said he was so sorry to hear I had had cancer. He offered to pray for me. My heart swelled with this generous offer. Another friend joined me for a ride home and on the way, she mentioned this blog and how she finds solace in it. Her affirmations also warmed my spirit.

We never know when or how an Angel of the Lord will touch us but I know they are all around us, working through others to heal and strengthen us. They leave the Body of Christ with us to taste and see that the Lord is good. We can leave our pity parties then and continue on with the good work that God has for us, for forty days, nights, and years. The Bread of Heaven delivered by these Angels will sustain us so that the journey will not be too much.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Recall a pity party that got the best of you. What happened that pulled you out of it?
When was the last time you recognized the Bread of Heaven delivered by the Angel of the Lord?

Prayer

Jesus, Bread of Heaven,
delivered in perfect time
by the touch of an Angel,
You hear our cry of anguish
and save us from every trouble.
The journey can seem like too much
until we taste and see You
Who satisfies the hunger
we did not even realize
was gnawing away at our sanity.
Bread of Life,
Thank You for delivering us.

Amen.

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The Lord is Our God

Posted on August 8, 2015 by sstyves

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Deuteronomy’s reading from Chapter 6 holds holy words: Hear, O Israel: The Lord is our God, the Lord alone. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might. The Shema is a Jewish prayer, repeated daily. The sage message is to be recited to children and discussed at home and away, whether we lie down or rise up. The words are to be bound and fixed on our bodies and written on our doorposts and gates. We are not to forget ever that the Lord is our God, but rather we are to serve this One who has redeemed us and brought us out of slavery.

Psalm 18 continues to extol this God: I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer, my God in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the source of my salvation. This is the God who is worthy to be praised, who hears my cry, and shows love to all. This is the One we can count on.

Matthew’s Gospel after the transfiguration has a man coming to Jesus, kneeling before him, and begging for the Lord’s mercy for his son, an epileptic who suffers terribly. The disciples of Christ could not cure him due to their lack of faith. This Son of God, worthy of our praise, whom we love with all our heart, soul and might, cures the boy instantly. This is our God at work.

This is the God in whom I trust, even when the road is bumpy and the way unclear. More accurately, this is the God whom I choose to trust especially when all else is uncertain. I have known from an early age that I love God with everything I have. I may have wandered away from church over the decades, but I always stayed close to the Trinity. I know no other Love quite like God’s despite having amazing people who are generous and kind. This human love brings many blessings but this Divine Love is Perfect.

Last night over supper friends and I were talking about who is first in our lives. We were discussing single blessedness, a term I had not heard before. I believe that whether one is single or married, that God must come first–God deserves all of our hearts in return for the Love that is given to us. The Fourth Week of the Spiritual Exercises is a meditation on this Love. The Generous Giver sparks our hearts and moves us to live out love in relationships and ministries. How we prioritize the other “loves” of our lives will vary–spouses, children, siblings, parents, friends, and ourselves will rank differently for each person. As the Principle and Foundation of the Exercises state, we are created to love, honour, and serve God. Love drives us to action. Love begins with the Creator. How can we hold back our love when we have been given so much? Hear, O Israel is still a pertinent modern-day harkening. We need to hear the stunning words of the Shema anew and let them be carved upon our hearts.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

How much of your heart, soul and might are given to God?
How does God use your love to serve in the world?

Prayer

Hear O Peoples,
The Lord is God.
Love with your whole self
Your heart, soul and strength
Love the One worthy of praise
Blessed be God forever
Whom I will serve with joy.

Amen.

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Become Dazzling

Posted on August 6, 2015 by sstyves

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The Transfiguration is one of my favourite readings. I think it is no accident that it is also the anniversary of the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The world was transfigured by a decision that wreaked havoc. I cannot believe that God looked down that day and was pleased with what transpired. A flash of light filled the sky and then a mushroom cloud arose. Flesh melted from bodies. Screams of horror filled the air. A city disintegrated into ash. Human shadows were etched into stone. Radiation slowly took a toll on those who survived. This was not God’s will.

In today’s Gospel, Jesus was transfigured and God was pleased. He became dazzling as Elijah and Moses appeared with him. The disciples were terrified Mark writes. God’s voice comes from a cloud, telling them to listen to the Beloved Son. Jesus is the Prince of Peace, and today, as we remember the atomic bombs that were dropped in Japan, may we know that we must strive to never again use our power and knowledge for such destruction.

In the optional First Reading from 2 Peter 1, we are asked to be attentive as to a lamp in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in our hearts. Jesus is our model and we should look to him for our decisions. In Ignatian spirituality, we are to discern between the Light of Christ and the false light of Lucifer. We are not to be deceived by false spirits. In a world so hungry for peace, we must keep our eyes on Christ and allow ourselves to become dazzling, to be a lamp in a dark place, and to let the morning star rise in our hearts.

Amidst the sadness and horrors that can crave our attention, we can work for peace in ourselves, our families, our communities, and our world. I think if we spend time with and in the Son, we will be transfigured and become bedazzling. As Christians, we have been given a great gift and joy should spill out from us to infect others. May we ask to be dazzling in a world that needs the Light of the Son.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

How can you bring light to a dark situation?
Remember a time when you waited for the morning star to rise again in your heart. Did the darkness try to convince you that your life might never again be dazzling bright?

Prayer

Beloved Son in whom God
is well pleased,
bedazzle us.
Make peace our priority.
Transfigure our souls
until the morning star rises
within our hearts,
shining for all the world to see.

Amen.

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Great Faith

Posted on August 5, 2015 by sstyves

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The Canaanite woman from today’s Gospel is a role model for all of us. She takes the path less traveled when she comes to Jesus, challenging him. Jesus excludes her by saying he has come for the lost sheep of Israel but she does not waver. She kneels before him in Matthew’s Gospel, asking for help. His response is that it is unfair to throw the children’s food to the dogs. She does not leave it there but with remarkable courage and insight she agrees with this rider: Even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master’s table. The Christ answers her with Woman, great is your faith!

Often, we find it hard to muster up the courage we need to do the hard thing. For many women in particular, we struggle to speak up or speak out against the unfairness of a situation because we do not believe we are worth it. We keep silent or later moan about the situation to a friend. We do not find our voice at the right moment. This woman, however, does and Jesus marvels at her faith but I wonder if he also celebrated that she had enough self-esteem and determination to ask boldly for what she needed for her daughter. We need great faith in a God who loves us even when we do not see our own worthiness. Great faith must step forward when we are at our wit’s end in trying to change something. We do not need much faith, just a wee crumb and the walls that oppress us can come crumbling down.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

When was the last time you needed to find your voice and challenge someone?

What would a crumb look like for you in a tough situation?

Prayer

Dear Dog-feeder,
May my faith be great!
Throw me some crumbs
so that I may speak out until
the walls of oppression crumble.
Show me you are the God that feeds
Until we are full and in need no more.

Amen.

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Joy Explodes

Posted on August 4, 2015 by sstyves

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In the darkest night, sometimes joy explodes. We sat and watched the fireworks, as the children played nearby. Our conversation drifted back in time. Suddenly I was in Grade 6 again, and school was done.  Our family was on the road to Disneyland and other exotic destinations for a child. We sat there in the dark remembering as the sky filled with a bright orange moon rising, Mother Nature flickered lightning behind us, and human hands set off a spectacular display of fireworks for half an hour.

I knew that my father had worked hard to give us the privilege of an annual summer vacation but that year he had outdone himself.  The blessing of my father’s labours came to me once again as my friend and I were creating new memories for her children that would hopefully let them know how much she loved them. I sat there watching the night sky be dazzled with sparks of joy and excitement and my heart swelled. Decades later I was grateful for a trip of a lifetime. The travels that our family did had instilled within me a love for travel that has never  dissipated.

We never know when joy will explode within our hearts. On a dark, stormy night, joy rippled through me, causing me to be grateful as an adult for the gift of a father’s love for his young family. As I watched my friend that night, I was thankful for the memories she was creating for her kids, and hoped that one day, they would look back and marvel at the explosion of happiness in their own hearts.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

As an adult, is there a time that you can look back on and see the sacrifice of one of your parents? What feelings does this evoke?

Do you believe that out of darkness, joy can erupt?

Prayer

Joy bursts from a memory,
seeping into the present,
oozing gratitude from a heart
that had not understood
until this moment the sacrifice.
Blessed be God for turning
darkness into light.

Amen.

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