Be A Lamp

Posted on June 9, 2015 by sstyves

IMG_9697
Years ago during a performance review, my employer told me not to hide my light under a bushel. That has always remained with me and so today as I read it in the Gospel, I wondered what I would do now with that image. Having survived a risky surgery and been given some more days on this earth, what shall I do for God? How can I let my light shine? We can hide our light in various ways and be unaware that we are even doing it. The Fourth Week of the Exercises looks at how we pay back the great Love given, how we can be salt and light in some sense.

Today is five weeks since surgery. The other day I received a blog post by Andy Otto about the fifth week of the Spiritual Exercises. That concept while new to me fits here. I have come through four weeks, in pain and confusion, in drawing closer to Jesus, in knowing the suffering Christ and in embracing the Resurrected Son. Now with everything that I have learned I return to “regular” life so to speak, to the fifth week of the Exercises. I bring the tools from the four weeks and will continue to draw closer to Jesus in friendship given what I have experienced.

This afternoon I returned to the hospital with some gifts in hand. Several people stand out in my care and I wanted to thank them for being salt and light. One of the night nurses was cheery and calm no matter how harried things might have been. He was the only one who made me believe that I was the only one–the one patient who mattered at that moment. If things were crazy down the hall, he would not reveal it by even a sigh. When I confided I was not in a great mood one night, he took it in stride. He hummed as he changed my smelly dressings and took my vitals. Clearly this man loved his job. He never hid his lamp under a bushel.

While he was not there, one of the health care aides I really liked was. A big smile of delight came over her when she recognized me. I am sure God sees her good and humble work all the time. May glory be ascribed to God through her ministry to others. More often than not when I rang the bell, a smiling face or a compassionate heart would appear. Some of the staff had lost their saltiness but generally speaking I received good care.

Yesterday after my session with the surgeon, I had a reunion with the resident who taught me to claim my inner boss. He had mentioned she was at the clinic and when I slipped into the hallway I spotted her between her tasks. She smiled when she saw me. I gave her a big hug and tried to say something but started to cry instead. How could I explain to her how amazing she had been to my recovery process? I tried but she downplayed it. Today along with the gifts I dropped off a card for her that found words to my tears. She had empowered me to channel my inner boss in the medical world. While her colleagues had also been awesome, her solo visits with me were a bright light on my path back to wholeness. Her wisdom and compassion were not hid under a bushel. I will be forever grateful for the lessons she helped me tap into while I grappled with my darker moments of being ill.

Today is the Feast of St. Ephrem of Syria and the readings are followed by this quote of his: Be a lamp in brightness and make the works of darkness cease. Do you hide your light under a bushel? Can you recall an experience when someone made the darkness cease for you? Be a lamp and let your light shine before all so that your good works can be seen and glory given to God.

Peace,

Suzanne

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Rejoice and Be Glad!

Posted on June 8, 2015 by sstyves

IMG_9666
In the First Reading, Paul writes to the church of God in Corinth, greeting them with words that I want to use to you tonight: Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all consolation, who consoles us in our affliction, so that we may be able to console those who are in any affliction with the consolation with which we ourselves are consoled by God.

Your hope for me has been unshaken to paraphrase Paul’s later words. Together we have blessed the Lord at all times as Psalm 34 praises. This poor soul cried and the Lord heard. In fact, we cried out together, spread across the globe, and are happy that we took refuge in God as one body. I read these first two readings and was reassured this morning. I was heading to an appointment with the surgeon who had already told me in the hospital that I had a rare form of liver cancer. I glanced at the Gospel and saw it was Matthew’s version of the Beatitudes. Jesus reaches out to the crowd gathered there and blesses them with reassuring words. Somehow I sensed that despite everything I might receive some good news this day.

Jesus teaches that we are blessed–the poor in spirit, those who mourn, the meek, those who hunger for justice, the merciful, the pure in heart–and thus we are called to rejoice and be glad. Life offers much joy and much pain. Christ seems to be suggesting that we rejoice anyway. At the end of the readings today was a quote by St. Thomas More: Give me, Lord, a full faith, a firm hope and a fervent love, a love for you incomparably above the love of myself. We need these gifts–faith, hope and love–to be rooted in a church community that carries us when we are frightened, tired, sick, grieving, and in need. I have been so utterly blessed that so many have walked with me. You have consoled me in moments when I needed to be consoled. Many of you who are survivors of cancer have totally understood what I have needed in these past few months. You have known God’s consolation and have shared it with me in my affliction. You shored up my faith, firmed my hope and filled me with love. I am ever grateful so yes, I will rejoice and be glad.

When I met with the surgeon he had hard news about the rare form of cancer but he also delivered great news in that it seems to have been removed completely with the liver resection. He is pleased with how things have gone and, in fact, he is so impressed with my progress that he suggested I could return to work tomorrow. I was stunned because physically I still feel pretty fragile so I convinced him that was a bad idea. He gave me a couple of more weeks to recuperate since it has only been five weeks tomorrow since surgery. I will next see an oncologist to explore further treatment, including the possibility of chemotherapy.

I end with the last words of the First Reading: Our hope for you is unshaken; for we know that as you share our sufferings, so also you share in our consolations. My hope continues to be unshaken even as I continue to wait. Thank you for sharing my sufferings and my consolations. As the Psalm concludes: Happy are those who take refuge in the Lord. May we continue this journey together and share the consolations and desolations as we stand unshaken in the refuge of the Great Physician.

Peace,

Suzanne

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

Food of Angels

Posted on June 7, 2015 by sstyves

IMG_9723
I have been away for a few days and offline. The break did me well but I understand some of you have been missing my posts. That is a blessing to hear. As I consider the Feast of the Body and Blood, I have been wondering about how I become what I eat. How am I Christ to others? I am humbled that some of you find my writings helpful on your own paths.

The Sequence today talks about the food of Angels given to the pilgrim who has striven. I like that image a lot. The bread from Heaven is ours if we choose to come to the table and stay the course. The wine is ours to pour out and share as we leave the table and return to the world. The Spiritual Exercises teach us how not to be Sunday Christians/Catholics. We must be the body and blood of Christ for our hungry world. We must become that gift from Heaven while recognizing it amongst us as we move through out daily lives. That is what the Examen does for us too. We can check in daily to see where we have fed the hungry in our world and where we ourselves have been nourished by others doing the same for us.

The Eucharist is a time of thanksgiving. If we take a few moments to review our day and look for when we have been visited by Christ and when we have been Christ for others, our hearts should be filled with immense gratitude at the many blessings exchanged.

Spend some time in quiet gratitude for the moments that you were the body of Christ today for someone who needed that. Ponder who poured out the cup of salvation for you when you were thirsty today. The Eucharist is a complete gift for us and we are called to be one body through it. May you find joy in the knowledge that the food of the angels is also for us.

Peace,

Suzanne

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Praising Prayers

Posted on June 2, 2015 by sstyves

IMG_9592
When the Light shines through something, we catch our breath at the beauty of it. I have been so blessed by a great number of you praying for me. Some of you I know well and others I have never met. I am on several prayer lists. Friends send me photos or relics of people praying for me. I see the lovely faces of these strangers who wholeheartedly offer up my intentions without knowing me and am humbled.

I am praising my pray-ers and am ever grateful that they have helped to carry me through this stage. These angels have surrounded me and I know for a fact that my remarkable recovery is their doing. I lift up their needs in my prayer times. Today though I also got to thank a whole bunch of them in person. I went to my first weekday mass since my surgery. Many of the devoted elders and faithful folks greeted me with joy and affirmation. These community members committed themselves to praying for me. I could see the Light shining through them. One after the other came by to give me a hug, praise God, and tell me I am a walking miracle. I do believe that their prayers made a difference. Four weeks today since surgery and I have come this far because they have brought me here through their intercessions. Joined by people around the world, my body and spirit have received the gift of the words, groans and tears lifted.

I have made my illness rather public and asked for many to join me as I go through this. To say that it has helped me is a huge understatement. From Dauphin, Manitoba to North Carolina and Florida, from Vancouver Island to the Rock, from California to Washington DC, voices have been raised. In Italy, Ireland, Germany, Costa Rica, and Nairobi, a constant murmuring occurs like the opening of A Wonderful Life where everyone prays for George Bailey. Perhaps what has not been clear is my rationale. I am a rescuer by nature–my compassionate heart wants to take away pain from people. Your prayers have gotten me here but they have also gotten the people who love me here as well. I have their best interests at heart and if I could take the cup away from them, I would. That is where your prayers come into play for me. I praise those prayers and those praying because they have spared loved ones heartache thus far. I know that I am not Superwoman but I can pray that someone might have more miracles coming in the next while. Until then, I remain grateful for all who pray for me and by extension those I love and who love me.

Peace,

Suzanne

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 3 Comments

Everything I Need

Posted on June 1, 2015 by sstyves

IMG_9556
Ever have one of those days where life unfolds as it should? I have said a number of times that I have everything I need on this journey. I slept in today which felt good because I have been feeling tired lately and sneezing a lot. A mystery bouquet of flowers arrived from out of town this morning. A friend called to chat and to book a lunch date later in the week. A second bouquet arrived from my sister and niece to cheer me as I wait for the pathology results next week. My family doctor called to check in with me. A book on the lives of the saints was delivered thanks to the kindness of a friend. Friends dropped off another gift created by an American friend’s daughter for me. We had a round of hugs and a good chat before we tore into the heavily-taped gift. Just when I thought the day was done and I began to think about supper and a walk, the doorbell was rung by another friend who wanted to take me out for a treat. Now I am ready for bed.

Some days are hard and even though I was not feeling the greatest today, I was incredibly blessed. Many folks seemed to know I just needed a hug today and a multitude arrived to bring a smile to my face and cheer to my spirit. Sometimes we miss the blessings which is why the Examen is a powerful tool to review our day. God is in all things as St. Ignatius taught. We can hang on to the desolation or we can seek the face of God and find great consolation there in the midst of trials.

Do you see the abundance around you even when you are having a day that seems off?

Peace,

Suzanne

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

Community of Saints

Posted on May 31, 2015 by sstyves

IMG_9575
Trinity Sunday reminds us that faith is not a solo act. The Triune God–Creator, Son and Spirit–models for us that we are to be a community. God calls us to live together in harmony.

The Trinity often puzzles people and is seen as a mystery. As a spiritual director I often ask retreatants to explore the different Persons of the Trinity in their prayer time. Get to know each One more intimately as each has a particular gift. For me God is Creator, giving us beauty and newness. Jesus is my friend and Beloved. The Spirit is the One who gets my attention and blesses me with spiritual gifts. The roles sometimes shift and can be interchangeable but I most often find myself thanking God for a sunset or a flower, talking to Jesus about issues that are near and dear to my heart, and letting the wind blow over me while asking what now?

I like my retreatants to get to know the Triune God and expand their comfort zones a tad. What are these images that we hold of the Trinity? Is God an old Man? Is the Spirit a dove? When we see that God can have many sides then perhaps in community we can comprehend that others are also complex. Who amongst us is known by all? In exploring the Triune God we may realize that in the community of saints that we live, move and have our being that there are people who we are also not getting to know. What a pity that might be!

Which manifestation of God–Creator, Son, or Spirit–draws you most? Why?

Who in your faith community are you not paying attention to? What lessons do they have to teach you?

Peace,

Suzanne

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Bigger Footsteps

Posted on May 30, 2015 by sstyves

491
On my pilgrimage last summer, I fell in love with Assisi. I had some mystical moments there that have remained with me. When I mentioned this to a friend of mine who was visiting from the United States, she told me that she had the Ignatian Press DVD called Clare and Francis and she knew she had to give it to me. I accepted it gladly as I wanted to know more about them, especially Clare.

The film opens with Francis asking Clare who is walking behind him if she is following in his footsteps. Her joyful response is “No, bigger ones.” This version of the film shows a strong Clare who guides Francis as much as he her. The viewer sees how each of them lives out their vocation and how they encourage one another along the way.

As I watched it, I marveled at the beauty of their relationship with one another and with Christ. The Lord is who receives their devotion but the joy that they find in each other is also evident. Each of them experience mystical moments and the film does not reveal all of them or even showcase the work that they do as well as it could. I wondered about my own life and who fuels my devotion to the Holy Trinity whose feast we celebrate tomorrow. Who in my faith journey encourages me to go further, serve with more humility and endurance, and love beyond the limits and definitions of this world? In the film Francis kisses a leper on the lips, sure in this day and age, to stir up homophobia rather than awe of what he had done and the taboos he had broken for his time. Clare’s courage and single-heartedness as she rejects marriage to a man and embraces her Spouse is also not lost on me centuries later.

What happens when we follow bigger footsteps? For both these saints, the inexplicable occurs. The incorruptible body of Clare is a mystery to many. Francis had an encounter with a wild wolf that makes no sense. Clare held the baby Jesus in her arms on Christmas Eve when she awoke from a long illness. Francis gained the stigmata in his later years. The movie does not include some of the events that both experienced. Can we trust enough to walk in those bigger footsteps too? The Pope in the film warns Francis not to thank him for approving his order because he senses the hardships that would befall the Franciscans. Walking in bigger footsteps does not mean that no harm will come. Clare is told at one point by a child-like voice that she will always be defended and she tells her community to trust. Those bigger footsteps are of a man who knows sorrow and suffering. If we choose to walk in them, we may experience the same.

The question though is if we do not follow bigger footsteps, then what? Who defends us then? Who can we trust absolutely and thoroughly? We are told to pick up our crosses and follow Jesus. The blood-stained path will lead us Home. Like Clare and Francis, I am walking in those bigger footsteps and trusting the One who leads me. What about you?

Peace,

Suzanne

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Glory Remains

Posted on May 29, 2015 by sstyves

crosses
I have been thinking about Oscar Romero since Sunday’s beatification. Often I recommend to my retreatants during the Fourth Week of the Spiritual Exercises to watch the film of his life story. If you want to know how to serve God but think you cannot this saint-to-be is a perfect example of getting out of God’s way and letting the Spirit flow. The story of the bookworm who became a national hero in El Salvador leaves me in awe of what God can do. Some suggest that it was his own experience doing the Spiritual Exercises that changed him. His pleas to stop the repression in his country cost him his life. He understood the Gospel values of laying down his life for the greater good.

Today’s First Reading from Sirach 44 says that of some there is no memory,for when they ceased, they ceased.
For others, though, the godly ones, their glory will never be blotted out. Romero fell in the later camp–he will be remembered for all eternity. He has left a legacy not only in his humble country but around the world. His glory will remain.

Thinking about your own legacy, will your glory remain, or when you cease, will you cease to be remembered? Many mentors have gone before me and their glory remains etched on my heart as I try to emulate some of their values in my own life. We do not have to be an Oscar Romero to remain in people’s hearts but we do have to make some choices about how we are living if we do not want to fade away without leaving some kind of a positive mark on our world. What choices are you making?

Peace,

Suzanne

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Drinking the Cup

Posted on May 27, 2015 by sstyves

IMG_9626
I must have read this Gospel passage from Mark 10 numerous times in my life but only today did a line jump out at me that I did not recognize. Odd how that happens with the Gospel. Mark 10:32 says that the disciples were amazed, and those who followed were afraid. Two polarized views hold the same space. How often does this happen? People are at the same event and yet walk away with different understandings about what transpired.

This Gospel also has the sons of Zebedee, James and John, ask of Jesus the privilege of sitting at his side in glory. Jesus must have smiled inwardly at their boldness and their lack of understanding. They had been listening to him the whole time and yet had a completely different perspective about what was going to unfold. Do we really know that we can drink of the cup that is before us?

Christ goes on to say that he came not to be served but to serve. One of the struggle points for me in my illness has been saying yes to those who wish to serve me. I would much rather serve than be served. I have been amazed at how many people want to reach out to me. I also have seen those who are afraid for me. It has not been easy for loved ones to know that I could be so seriously ill. I have appreciated the courage some have shown in standing with me; I also acknowledge that fear paralyzes some people and they have not been able to be here for me.

Today I had a lovely little encounter with my neighbour. I have not always had good interactions with the household. Until one got married and had a child, the bachelors who lived there stuck pretty much to themselves and really never initiated conversation with me. Something seemed to shift a bit after his marriage and my neighbour seemed more open to my conversations. As I sat on my steps today, he and his daughter came by. His wife had told him that I had been going into the hospital but they knew no details. This morning he asked how I was and was very compassionate. I was taken by surprise at this generosity of time and emotion. We do not always see what is coming and who is capable of drinking the cup with us. We do not always know in advance who can serve us with a pure heart.

When was the last time that you sat down with someone and drank from his or her cup? Have you read a situation incorrectly and asked for something that was not what you wanted? Do you serve or want to be served?

Peace,

Suzanne

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Three Weeks

Posted on May 26, 2015 by sstyves

IMG_9630
Three weeks ago today I closed my eyes without knowing if I would open them again. I took a breath in Yah and a breath out weh. Yahweh. I have no further memories until I saw a light and heard voices addressing me. This was no Light. I was alive. The surgeon had successfully removed most of my liver and I was still here. Thanks be to God!

Not many people knew that my surgeon had grave concerns about proceeding with surgery. The complications were high in his mind. Between us we did not see an alternative and I was willing to gamble on what I thought were higher chances of all going well. I rallied a great cloud of witnesses around me and believed that God had this. Now I recover. Three weeks in I am off pain killers. I can walk a square city block. I breathe more deeply with each passing day. I am back in my own home alone and managing most tasks.

What have I learned these past three weeks?

1. Believe in the power of prayer. Pray often and always. When you cannot pray yourself, others will carry you. Do not be shy in asking others to pray. Prayer is one tangible way most everyone can be involved. God has this. Hand it over. Don’t make God wrestle it out of your clenched fists. One thing you can do for those praying for you is to pray for them. When the nurse wakes you up to take your vitals, when you jolt awake in pain, when you get up to go to the bathroom AGAIN, when you are too tired for anything else, you can say a quick prayer for the ones carrying you.

2. Trust that you have everything you need. God is a generous giver. Even without knowing what we need, God has already planned and purposed it. We do not even have to ask.

3. Think positively and know you can beat the odds when you trust the Creator. Not every story has a happy ending but when we think positively, the smallest miracles spring up. One negative person in my life kept all those dark thoughts silent around me to honour my request. This was a huge blessing for me.

4. Listen to your intuition. God whispers all the time. We need to pay attention to that Voice. We have learned not to and the din of other sounds can drown it out. Tap into your inner boss and call a Friend when you need to. That Life Line is always open.

5. Be an active participant in your healing. I thanked the surgeon for doing his part and the Great Physician for orchestrating the entire affair but also promised that I would take care of my body and listen to its needs as it recovers. I have to do my part now.

6. Be grateful. In the wee hours of the morning, I would thank the health care aides for whatever they were doing for me. I would be gracious to the cleaning staff. I would smile at the rotating medical teams and the crabby nurse. I prayed for those who were praying for me. I was alive–how could I not appreciate every little thing?

7. Stay in the moment. When red ants were crawling all over me as I hallucinated on the wild narcotics I was on, I tried not to flinch. After a few unsuccessful attempts to close my eyes and sleep, I prayed them away. Even when the present moment is scary, stay there and deal with it. With dozens of friends wondering what the diagnosis is, I remain in the present, focusing on healing my body, mind and soul so I can receive whatever news comes in a few weeks. God will take care of the rest in perfect timing.

8. Embrace joy. The number of visitors who mentioned my smile in my guest book surprised me. I am not sure what folks expected to see and truthfully, some saw the hurting side of me, but a smile seemed appropriate. The nurse who would hum as he changed my dressing late at night was a welcome beacon of light. The resident who cheered me on and counseled me mornings gets an A+. The patient who did daily walks at the same time as me and who I nicknamed Speedy made me laugh right out loud as he raised his fist in the air and shouted at me, “Get ‘er done!” When I had a bit of a narcotic crash and felt the darkness closing in, I rallied the troops for help to retrieve my equilibrium. Joy is always a choice, even in the toughest moments.

9. Let go of what is not helpful. That grumpy nurse–who knows her story except for God? The look of fear when someone saw all the lines going in and out of my body was not my issue to deal with. How another patient is doing in comparison will not benefit you. Do not judge your situation by someone else’s progress or lack thereof. Keep your eyes on Jesus and the path that is marked for you and you alone.

10. Know that you are loved. God loves me and you. God is Love and pours out grace upon grace for us. Receive it openly and without false humility. We are never worthy because God accepts us as we are right now. We do not have to be perfect. God places amazing people in your path and together this amazing community is a healing balm and a force to be reckoned with. We reap what we sow. I must have sown some seeds of love and grace along the way because I have been blessed with an abundance of angels around me. Sow well so that when harvest arrives you gather a crop of blessings. In the end, God will be the One who receives the glory.

Peace,

Suzanne

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments