Strong When Weak

Posted on June 20, 2015 by sstyves

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Irises look as fragile and magnificent as the lilies that Jesus discusses today in the Gospel. They too neither spin nor toil but God cares for them. Many believe that it is the Buddhists who have the market on mindfulness and living in the present moment but today Christ lays out similar philosophies with a different spin on them.

Do not worry, he recommends several times in the 10 verses from the Gospel of Matthew 6. To paraphrase, God.has.this. Don’t worry about what to eat or drink. Don’t worry about what you will wear. Don’t worry about your body. Look around and see that God takes care of the birds of the air, the flowers of the field, and the children of the Beloved. God knows every single need. Don’t worry about tomorrow because today has its own stressors. Rather keep your eyes on the kingdom of God first and the righteousness of the Holy One. Everything you need will be given to you.

Psalm 34 reminds people to taste and see the goodness of the Lord. Those who fear God have no want. Those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. We could boast that we are capable of filling our needs and wants but it is foolishness. In 2 Corinthians 12, we are reminded that God’s grace is enough, more than sufficient in the Power that turns weakness into strength. Like Paul, we can endure weaknesses, hardships, and all kinds of calamities because when we are weak, Christ is strong.

Yesterday I had posted that I had hit an emotional wall after six months of holding everything together. In my weakness, God showed me Strength that cannot be found elsewhere. I had gone to a special service of Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament at my parish last night. Primarily a gathering that probably was focusing on youth, the music was praise and worship. I felt a bit distracted from Adoration in some ways but praise and worship has its place before the Sacrament. Two hours later I arrived home feeling quite peaceful. I had cried at my own inability to be stronger. I had asked for courage. I lamented the waiting. I thanked God for allowing me to see more days. God reached out and massaged my heart to a calmer state. I knew I was relieved of the burden without having the thorn pulled out.

The One who feeds the birds, who clothes the fields in splashes of yellow and purple, and who provides our every need is with us in the troubles of the day. This Great Provider will take care of tomorrow. Hand it over. No questions need be asked. Stay in the moment and do not worry. All shall be well with your soul.

When was there a time when you could not trust the Great Provider to take care of you? What, if anything, shifted to allow you to place your hope in God again?
Does the thorn need to be removed before Grace is enough for you?

Peace,

Suzanne

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Stored Treasures

Posted on June 19, 2015 by sstyves

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The Gospel today speaks of not storing up for ourselves treasures on earth where they will be stolen or destroyed. Jesus recommends that we store up treasures in Heaven. Where our treasures are, they too are hearts will be found. This Gospel always did strike a chord for me but today I felt puzzled by it. I am not sure why exactly.

Maybe coming face to face with death–or at least the possibility of it–changes a person’s perspective, she says somewhat tongue in cheek. Unlike the birds of the air, we all have stuff that fills up our homes. I look around lately and I do not feel so attached to things. I do not have a desire to shop either. I think I could do a lot of purging right now if I had the energy.

My heart is elsewhere right now. The week has been an emotional roller coaster for me. After 6 months of holding it together more or less, I have these moments of being overwhelmed with tears and fears. The moths are trying to nibble away at my serenity and the hope staff is rusting slightly. Fear is creeping in and stealing my sanity. It was bound to happen. I am no super hero, though some people may think I am. I have tried hard to stay positive and calm by living in the moment. Now however, I do want some answers. I want to know if I can escape somewhere as planned this summer or if I will be chained to a chemo schedule. I want to know more about the prognosis of my illness. I want someone in the know to reassure me that everything will be alright. Suddenly, I am tired of this particular wait. This is the first time impatience is winning the arm wrestling contest.

I suppose crashing into this brick wall was inevitable. I am gearing up for yet another round of tests and specialists. Simply put, I am tired. I would like to go back to a normal life and I know that is not yet going to happen. I want to sit outside on a patio for lunch or take a leisurely stroll and pretend all is well. I do not want to always discuss my disease. I want to be able to remember what is going on in my friend’s life so I can ask about that but my brain is so unable to be focused right now. I forget birthdays and special events. I hate that. It is not who I am. I realize that no one is judging me on that but it still feels horrible.

I could store up all this yuckiness and let it continue to overwhelm me. Playing the victim but it is not my go-to place. This pity party will soon end and I will return to knowing exactly the treasure I hold and where my heart is. Being present to the moment sometimes reveals a crappy moment. In Ignatian terms this does not mean I am in desolation. I still find I am very much in God’s safe hands, but I am raging instead of resting. God has never shrunk back from my anger and won’t now. God is in all things and God is in this wait with me. I am not happy but I am in consolation. I am grateful for my Ignatian Spirituality that helps me refocus. Now if I could just move back towards detachment.

When was there a time that waiting for something caused you angst?
Recall an experience where you felt consolation (the presence of God was still with you) even though you were inconsolable. What was it God said or did to help you through?

Peace,

Suzanne

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Hatred Slithered

Posted on June 18, 2015 by sstyves

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Hatred slithered into a church yesterday
Exploded all over the sacred space
from such a young heart
a destructive force arose
Who planted these seeds?

Spilled blood cries out
Hands up
Who still cannot breathe?
When, when will it end?
Love crucified all over again

Peace to this broken world,

Suzanne

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Secret Alms

Posted on June 17, 2015 by sstyves

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The readings today talk about giving. God loves a cheerful giver Paul writes in 2 Corinthians. God is able to provide you with every blessing in abundance, so that by always having enough of everything, you may share abundantly in every good work. The Gospel from Matthew 6 warns us that one hand should not know what the other is doing. Give your alms in secret.

However it does no harm to share abundant gratitude for those who give in secret. Six weeks since surgery and the support continues to find delightful ways of pouring in. So far this week I have had all my meals taken care of due to the generosity of my friends. I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers from two wonderful colleagues out west. My brother and sister-in-law sent a very cool purse that screams my name. Folks on my caseload mailed a marvelous package that will provide nourishment for awhile. Prayers continue to be lifted in this time of uncertain waiting. A new novena arrived that I can use when I finish my current one. A guardian angel on the go flew over from across the pond. Encouraging phone calls and emails keep coming. I ask handfuls of people to hold information secret at various times so that I can process things out loud which is a tremendous gift to me. I am the happy recipient of blessings delivered by many cheerful givers.

Tonight while I was chatting with a friend, I mentioned I had everything I needed. He had dropped off food that translates into four meals for me, plus the bouquet of flowers from our mutual friends. I have enough. In fact, I have more than enough. God, the Great Provider, knows exactly what I need when I need it and who should provide it. This value on sufficiency versus scarcity has worked well for me during my illness. The abundance also works for emotions. When I need peace or courage or joy, it comes to me in the form of a friend’s words, a song, a concept in a book I am reading, an awareness, and even a Facebook post. I know the prayers of those around me are working in this regard and I am grateful. I know that it is my deepest desire to continue serving, even now when my energy is still not as it could be. The good works await and the blessings that are sent to me cheerfully are cherished. May they return a hundredfold onto those who bestow them upon me.

Have you ever given freely in abundance and expected nothing in return? How did this change you?
Recall a time when you realized you had enough of everything. How did that affect you?
How does giving in secret make you feel? Try doing that in the next 24 hours.

Peace,

Suzanne

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On the Good and Evil

Posted on June 16, 2015 by sstyves

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I am thinking about wishing again tonight. Life probably seemed so carefree when I was a child. I was blessed not to have big worries hanging over my head as a wee one. As I grew, there were issues but really in the big scheme of things, I had a roof over my head, food on the table at every meal, clothes on my back, and a fairly stable family around me. Yeah, I know, I said fairly stable. I am practicing my ability to fudge the truth. I could have said, I had a roof over my head, turnips that I fed to the house plants when my mother was not looking, and a wardrobe that caused the mean kids to bully me. That might be a bit more accurate but it seems undignified to share that with the whole world.

Part of being ill is trying to figure out how to respond to people who say ignorant things or want to know information that is more private. When I read the Gospel today from Matthew 5, I know I am supposed to pray for the people who are unknowingly unkind to me. I know the intent of their words are not to hurt me or that their lack of words are not to be equated with not caring. God makes the sun to rise on the evil and the good and rain on both the righteous and unrighteous. I get that. You and I may not always like it but that is why our God is a great God. No small mind or heart dwells in that massive Creator.

As I said to my counselor, good people die of cancer all the time. Being good will not save me. Having hundreds of holy people praying for me will help me on many levels–and it will help the people around me. Unfortunately, it may not change the outcome. Miracles exist for both the good and the evil and it does no harm to ask for one. Jesus clearly says to ask, seek, and knock. I believe and trust in a loving, compassionate and merciful God. I have five friends with cancer right now. We are all in various stages of our diseases and treatment. There is a chance that one of us won’t beat this disease.

I do not believe in a God who is looking down, playing eenie, meenie, minie, mo. I do not believe in a God who bases decisions on the merit system either because none of us would be worthy. I am no more worthy than some of the men that I visit in prison. This is not a scribe and tax collector moment. God is Love. I trust God to do the loving thing and to act with mercy and compassion. I believe that God has the whole picture and not just the page I have tried to rip out of the book in hopes of a different ending. I know God will use whatever happens for glory. It may be hard to believe when the going gets rough–and my recovery may still take an odd turn or twist–but I know God will always do what is best.

That afternoon in Assisi, standing in front of St. Clare’s tomb, I wept tears I did not understand. I hold lightly to what that might mean. I may well be gearing up for the next challenging leg of this journey. I suspect that the oncologist will recommend chemotherapy. Yes, that means all sorts of unpleasant side effects. I did not deserve this. I do not think I am an evil person. I am not a perfect person and I have made mistakes. However, neither am I a saint that should be spared suffering. Now don’t get me wrong. I am not jumping up and down, waving my arm, yelling out pick me! I am not going to pray for the cup to be taken away. I am going to pray that I be given enough grace to do the journey and hope that people see some reason to praise God even if the outcome is different than what was hoped for.

My faith has evolved over the years too so I do not want to sound like I am casting stones. I remember two decades ago when a dear friend received the news she had cancer, I was angry. She had an amazing marriage and two young children who I adored. I wanted someone who was not a good mom and wife to die instead. My thinking was pretty messed up back then. No one deserves cancer. All of us have days when we need a blessing. The sun should rise on everyone and the rain should fall. God does not play favourites. Each one of us is God’s beloved.

On one of the prayer cards I was given recently for Padre Pio, he says: Don’t waste energy on things that generate worry, anxiety and anguish. Only one thing is necessary: Lift up your spirit and love God. I want to do this journey with grace, love and mercy. I want to have joy and peace along the way. I want to grapple with my understanding of God and not cling to trite beliefs. I want to love God through it all and not let worry wrestle my peace from me.

What do you believe about how God should treat good and evil people? Is there room for a new understanding?

Peace,

Suzanne

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I Have Helped You

Posted on June 15, 2015 by sstyves

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Sometimes in life we need stepping stones. We need a strong community to guide us and a cloud of witnesses who have gone before us. Today’s reading from 2 Corinthians 6 reminds us that our hope in God’s grace is not in vain. God says: At an acceptable time I have listened to you, and on a day of salvation I have helped you. Some days we see Divine Intervention unfold through a person or a group of people. I have surely witnessed this lately.

Friends provided both lunch and supper this day. I had good visits with each of the generous folks. I realize I miss the social aspect of my life as I continue to reign in my boundaries. Paul continues his discourse in 2 Corinthians by saying we should put no obstacle in anyone’s way. If God is helping, we should not place hurdles for people to jump over. I have been blessed with stepping stones to grace and health. As I chatted at the end of my day with a dear and long time friend, I felt that tug of the heart that shows one is home. No pretenses were needed, no walls up, and no need to protect my energy levels. Ten minutes magically turned into two hours and I was sad to see him go. Seeing God in all things gives a lens to see the Divine in the ordinary, the blessings in the moment.

How does God help you? Do you recognize the face of God in those who reach out to assist you?

Peace,

Suzanne

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Flourishing like Trees

Posted on June 14, 2015 by sstyves

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The pastor preached on trees tonight, based on the reading from Ezekiel 17. God is a great gardener. He plucks a sprig from a cedar and plants it on a mountaintop where it will produce much fruit. He makes the dry tree flourish.

The concept of flourishing like trees continued in Psalm 92 with the refrain reminding us to be grateful that we can produce fruit: Lord, it is good to give thanks to you. In the Gospel, Jesus uses the parable of scattered seeds to illustrate that God is a gardener who will harvest when the grain is ripe and that even the smallest seed can become the greatest shrub where birds will make their nests. The pastor talked about God making plans, plans that are amazing, even more so than ours. He told the story of a blind Jesuit who he had met during his formation. This man’s life took an odd turn when as a child he fell out of a tree and lost his sight. Step by step, his vocation was revealed to him and those around him, including the Pope. We never know how God will use us. More often than not, I am convinced that it is not in the ways we predict. Our plans may run parallel with God’s most days, but sometimes the plot swerves in a direction we did not see coming. I have always said that my God is a God of surprises. Strap yourself in and enjoy the ride.

A former pastor used to recite the Merton prayer:

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

These words always stir emotion deep within me. Many of us can be strong willed but yielding to God’s voice and will requires a vulnerability and openness that smooths the clenched fist to an open palm. May you flourish like a strong tree planted by water as you discern God’s will for your life and raise your voice in praise: Lord, it is good to give thanks to you.

Peace,

Suzanne

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Pierced Heart

Posted on June 13, 2015 by sstyves

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I visited The Chapel of the Miraculous Medal last summer in Paris. Built in 1815, it was dedicated to the Sacred Heart of Jesus (yesterday’s Feast Day). Fifteen years later, a young novice named Catherine Labouré had three conversations with the Blessed Virgin in the chapel where she was told to create a medal following the instructions she was given. The Miraculous Medal now is worn by millions around the world. On the back of the medal are two hearts: One heart has a crown of thorns, depicting Christ’s Sacred Heart and the other is pieced with a sword, revealing Simeon’s prediction that Mary’s heart would be pierced.

My grandmother had a strong devotion to Mary, her Immaculate Heart and the Miraculous Medal. I returned to the humble chapel on rue du Bac as the Chapel to honour my grandmother and to begin my pilgrimage last summer. I spent a good amount of time praying there, arriving just in time for mass. I sat there, pondering a good number of things, but not for a minute did I have an inkling of what was to come until I left the grounds and noticed this:
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The protection of God is always there. I clung to that message for some reason. It became a mantra of sorts. Only later would I comprehend its significance.

Mary’s Immaculate Heart was pierced but she knew that God never left her, even if life events were unclear. Today’s Gospel in the temple shows Mary a glimpse of the worry to come. How many times must she have leaned on the words that God.has.this though in her era it sounded differently, much like it would have for St. Catherine in the statue above. Over the centuries, the face of God shows compassion and mercy to ones who call out, to those whose hearts are being pierced. This message that God is always there protecting us is one I have held tightly these months.

Our hearts may not be immaculate but God wants our hearts to be at peace. En route to Nazareth, Mary must have pondered and treasured the strange occurrences at Jerusalem that year. Jesus now twelve was growing up and the angel visits to both her and Joseph must have wafted in and out of Mary’s memories over that decade and beyond. The sense of foreboding was probably gnawing at her sanity. Her Immaculate Heart knew its share of worry and pain. She had been forewarned. Into each life comes a sword–a layoff, a death of a loved one, an addiction, a failure, a persistent fear, an illness. When our hearts are pierced we have choices to make. We can flee to the protection of God or we can flee into the arms of the Evil One who wants us to abandon our faith. I choose to remain faithful to the One who has this. What about you?

What is piercing your heart these days? Do you believe that the protection of God is always there?

Peace,

Suzanne

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Sacred Heart

Posted on June 12, 2015 by sstyves

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We celebrate the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus today. The Gospel throws us back into Easter–a Good Friday look from John’s perspective of Christ’s heart being pierced while on the cross. Jesus has a heart of love. He is both human and divine and we see in the daily readings how this plays out. In the First Reading from Hosea the compassion that a brokenhearted God has for creatures who are sinful. Jesus has the heart of the Creator. In Ephesians, Paul prays that we may have the power to comprehend, with all the saints, what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, so that you be filled with the fullness of God.

Can we know this love in our lives for ourselves and others? I have been reading Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly which explores the courage to be vulnerable and looks at shame and feeling never enough. On this Feast Day, I wondered how many of us would love differently if we let go of shame and knew that we were loved beyond all our imperfections. How fewer games would we play with those in our circles? How much more would we dare greatly in scary arenas? We could face any lion that came our way if we simply understood a Love that surpasses any other that we have ever known.

A few amazing things happened today. First of all, prior to heading to mass this morning and during my morning prayer time, I remembered the beautiful image that happened at my church before my surgery. I was praying before the Sacred Heart statue and had seen the image of Christ laying his hands gently on my head, leaning his forehead against mine and praying with and for me. We stood silently for a few moments. Tears streamed down my face at the power I felt surge through me. I often return to this beautiful vision of my Beloved.

Following that reminder this morning, I remembered my experience of waking up in the hospital after surgery. This time though I understood that while I was glad to be alive, I had not clung to that outcome. I was mostly glad for those who loved me that I was still here and I am joy-filled at knowing I will continue to serve God. Today, I noticed a bit of a detachment in the awareness of that moment. All would have been well for me had I not lived. Perhaps all the leaning into the Principle and Foundation of Ignatian Spirituality has allowed me to rest in God’s hands more than ever now. When we know that we are going to a God who is Love there is no reason to fear death.

After mass, I knelt before the same statue of the Sacred Heart and let this Love continue to permeate my soul. My local church community–and the wider community–has carried me well. I could feel the many prayers that had been raised for me as I knelt there and I placed each person inside the Sacred Heart of Christ. I continue to be so grateful for the prayers that upheld me and carry me still.

One of the unexpected outcomes of this journey is learning about a few new saints. Today I started a novena to the Sacred Heart of Jesus that Padre Pio recited daily. I have not had a strong devotion to this saint but others I know have. The couple who gave me the relic and prayer cards had a whole monastery of monks praying for me. Padre Pio was a man whose heart was like Christ’s. His soul was so inflamed with love for Jesus that he received the stigmata–the marks of Christ’s crucifixion–soon after his ordination. St. Francis of Assisi is the first recorded stigmatic and his role in my journey is dear to me too.

These men adored Jesus and their hearts were transformed. Francis in particular was a vessel of joy. Back to my reading of Brene Brown today: she stated that she thought that joy was the most difficult emotion to feel because it can be attached to a sense of foreboding that something will come and take that joy away. Even though both these saints suffered greatly they continued to be incredibly vulnerable and loving. They served as Christ would have. Padre Pio writes at one point of his embarrassment of bearing the stigmata but he asks only that his shame be taken away and not the painful wounds.

I sense more and more that I have some valuable lessons to yet integrate into my life as this experience of mine continues to unfold. On this Feast Day I look at these two saints who suffered the stigmata and continued to serve with unwavering love. I read Brene Brown and ponder at how vulnerable I make myself with sharing my news so publicly. I know people can criticize me and that the emotional exposure may bite me at some point. I trust that wherever God is leading, my humble task is simply to follow attentively. I want a heart like Christ’s. I want to love more purely, less judgmentally, and more wholeheartedly.

I had a beautiful video message from my goddaughter’s family in Nairobi when I returned home from mass. One of the girls (I am not 100% sure if it was my dear goddaughter or her younger sister) poked her head into the screen and said,” I love you very much. I miss you very much. I want you to come to my house right now!” This child’s words echo Christ’s to Zacchaeus about coming to his house this very day. Her love is pure and vulnerable. She does not care if her house is a shamble or if she is not ready to receive me. She focuses on the better thing–on her deep and uncomplicated love for me.

What about your heart? How does it love? Who does it have as a role model in a world that would prefer us to stay closed and comfortably safe?

Peace,

Suzanne

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Field of Wishes

Posted on June 10, 2015 by sstyves

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I love this photograph. Perhaps it appeals to my inner child. This weekend I was away at the lake and this scene was prevalent. Field upon field of wishes begged to be blown. As a wee one, I would huff and puff at these transitioning dandelions, making wishes that I hoped would evolve into reality. I do not remember if any of them came true or not.

With the news of my cancer, I know many people would love to just pick one of these and blow it to pieces and wish anew. The reality is though that we cannot do that. We have to work with what we have. A whole field of wishes might be needed in the next while but wishes are not the same thing as prayer.

When I took this photograph I had a sense of the great multitude of prayers that have been lifted over the past six months of my illness. These prayers have carried me when I did not have the energy to pray myself. God heard my groans but God also had words from those who loved me. When I faltered about how to pray, others prayed boldly. Rosaries, masses, and novenas joined ordinary prayers. I returned that gift by praying for all those who were praying for me. The field of prayers grew as seed was scattered beyond measure.

I close my eyes now and I can see the prayers billowing in the breeze of the Holy Spirit, who is at work with each breath raised, planting seeds that are beyond me and my needs. This field of prayers and well wishes is greater than me. The Spirit will continue to use it to glorify God in ways I cannot imagine. Those who have not prayed for a long time have found a voice again. Some have wandered back into a church. Others still have found new ways to pray or discovered the richness of a saint with whom they were previously unacquainted. God uses everything for glory. That is a miracle to behold.

What would you wish for at this juncture of your life? Whose prayers are you counting on?

Peace,

Suzanne

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