Happy Dance!

Posted on July 1, 2015 by sstyves

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There were lots of reasons to celebrate today. I live in a great country which I love. I am still rejoicing in the news that the oncologist delivered yesterday. I had great moments sharing the news with friends and family today.

Fireworks are set to go off soon but I am going to be horizontal by then. I have an early morning dentist appointment and am feeling a bit tired after an emotional couple of days. I must admit though that I am doing a happy dance. I am hopeful that God has granted me a couple of more years to live and serve. As I sat in church today, I gave thanks for living in a country that has free medical care. I cannot imagine having to pay for the number of scans, tests, and surgery I have had. I am also grateful to live in a country that allows people of different backgrounds to have prayed openly for me–faith and freedom are guaranteed.

What do you value about being a citizen of your country?
Why is a happy dance on your agenda today?

Peace,

Suzanne

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Dead Calm

Posted on July 1, 2015 by sstyves

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Today is eight weeks since surgery and six months since learning about the mass on my liver. My heart was heavy this morning. I went to mass without previewing the readings. The Gospel today from Matthew 8 is a recent repeat. When the deacon proclaimed the word the phrase dead calm resonated. I tend to listen without reading along but I had to pick up the book and see if I had heard correctly. Jesus had rebuked the winds and the sea and invoked a dead calm.

I had woken up at 5:00 am and was unable to fall back asleep. This was D-Day for me and somehow I had lost my focus. I was sure that the news I would finally receive from the oncologist would be ominous. I could not fall back asleep. I was far from a dead calm. I was caught in a tornado. Where had my peace disappeared to?

At 5:15 I grab my iPad and start consulting Dr. Google: Survival rates for my kind of cancer, stages of my cancer, success stories. I was out of control. All the calmness I had held these past six months was spiraling downwards and I was certain I was perishing. Jesus was sound asleep and my irrational fears were smashing the boat to smithereens. It is now 5:45 and I am back to tossing and turning, willing myself to sleep for at least an hour. I turn to prayer and start my morning offering several times but never get through it.

I am one of those disciples in the boat. I cannot really feel God’s presence and I know I am in desolation Ignatian-style but I cannot shake it. I start answering encouraging emails and confide in a few people my fear. Pray, pray, pray. I need prayer. Jesus is shaking off the sleep in the boat. Despite being up that early, I find no time for my morning readings of the day or the Padre Pio novena I have been doing for the month of June to the Sacred Heart of Jesus before I leave for mass. I cannot shake the fear or the tears.

I am almost out the door for mass when the phone rings. A parishioner is calling me on my cell which is not on but I miraculously see it flash on and I pick it up. He is kindly calling to reach out and check in. I miss that Jesus is sitting up in the boat now. We talk for a bit and I do not even notice that I am calmer. I am so aware that talking with him makes me want to cry and I ask him to pray which he of course agrees to do for me.

I go to mass and I sit through the First Reading about Lot and his wife. Don’t look back, Suzanne. Keep moving forward. I know this reading but today I am impatient at the length of it. Lot is in Zoar but how come his wife did not turn into a pillar of salt yet? I take up the missal and see it is coming. There are the words. She looked back. I feel the fear rise within me. Will I be a pillar of salt too? Can I keep my eyes on Christ? God, help me!! The boat is bucking the winds.

At the end of mass, the lovely folks who have been so faithful in carrying me these past six months greet me with beautiful hugs and compassion. As I am talking with one, another apologizes as she interrupts to let me know that all is going to be well today. I hear her but the storm is raging at its worst right now and I do not see that Jesus is standing with his arms stretched out, ready to rebuke it. I am missing God in all things thus far.

My faithful friend picks me up and we go to CancerCare. My spirits are sinking. I buoy my strength and try to find solid ground. The nurse sees me first. She asks a simple question a few minutes into the interview and I start to cry. There is no tissue in the room. We make jokes and I compose myself. The physician’s assistant comes in next and discusses the pathology report with me. I am not sure if I am hearing correctly. The lymph nodes are clean. The margins are clear. There are no known metastases. Chemotherapy is unnecessary. He will double check the blood work but nothing has been flagged. I cannot breathe. I do not trust my hearing. I look at my friend and I am dumbstruck. I see she is too. We had not expected such amazing news. In my mind, I am jumping up and down, saying thank you, Jesus!

She leaves the room while the physician assistant examines me. At the end of it, he stands up and he says that I am a lucky woman. He seems surprised at this miracle before him. I do not feel lucky; I feel so much more than mere luck. I am blessed beyond measure. I sit there grateful and joyful.

The oncologist enters. She is a lovely, down-to-earth woman who reiterates everything that has been said and mentions radiation as a possible option. This cancer is aggressive and she hesitates to leave any stone unturned. She tells me that my blood work is fine. Any anomaly is because of the recent surgery. Nothing she sees concerns her. She recommends allowing the team to meet to discuss radiation and then follow up scans in a few months.

I am so busy thanking Jesus in my head that I cannot see him, snuggling back down to sleep again. Praise be to God.

Peace,

Suzanne

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Fully Proclaimed Message

Posted on June 29, 2015 by sstyves

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A friend of mine used to sign off her letters and cards to me with the words until the word of your life is fully spoken. I loved those words. In today’s Second Reading in 2 Timothy 4, this line leapt out at me: The Lord stood by me and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed. These are words that answer prayers lifted. These past six months the Lord has stood by me and given me strength so that the message of the Good News may be fully proclaimed. Our good God never leaves us to suffer alone.

We see how God’s divine intervention allows for miracles in Peter’s life in the First Reading from Acts 12. James has been martyred and Peter arrested. Herod places four squads of soldiers to guard him, binds him in chains and sets two soldiers beside him. He creates a fortress that God slips through anyway. An Angel of the Lord appears, taps him on the side to awaken him, releases his chains, and leads him to the city where he is free. Not many of us have angels doing such miraculous works for us but I wonder if we had eyes to see if we could fully proclaim our messages better.

Yesterday as I walked around my neighbourhood, I tried out my new camera–shooting mostly flowers. Suddenly I spotted this photo and stopped at the sight of these two triangles juxtaposed. I thought that was one of the coolest images I had seen all day. Perhaps it seems like an odd photograph but it made me wonder if God shows us simple things all days and we miss God at work. We forget that God is in all things, whispering, I AM is here. The message of God is around us in beauty and joy, longing to be heard and seen.

In the Gospel of Matthew 16, Peter sees the Fully-Proclaimed-Message that stands before him, responding to the question of who Jesus is with You are the Christ, the Son of the Living God. Peter had eyes to see and ears to hear the message, but like us he did not notice it at all times. To finish the race we must keep the faith. We must sharpen our vision and hearing. Our spirits must see. We can be entrusted with the keys of heaven even now. We can open the gates from time to time and catch a glimpse of heaven on earth. May we marvel at all that we are given as miracles every single day. May Angels appear in angles, circles, and squares and make us stop in our tracks and delight. Fight the good fight against the darkness. Step into the Light and rejoice. Proclaim a message that encourages others. Let the Lord be your strength. To God be the glory forever and ever.

How are you fully proclaiming the message? What miracles is God working in your life?

Peace,

Suzanne

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Bold Faith

Posted on June 28, 2015 by sstyves

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The readings today are challenging on so many levels. At first glance they are about suffering and death. Wisdom 1 proclaims that God did not make death and he does not delight in the death of the living. Rather, the reading continues, God created all things to exist in the image of the Triune’s own eternity. Psalm 30 praises a God who restores to life those who have gone down to the Pit. The Gospel tells two tales of daughters in need of healing and the boldness that is required by the faithful.

The woman who suffered twelve years with hemorrhages and endured much under many physicians always hits a nerve with me. Having suffered and endured at least as long with my rare form of endometriosis, I related well to this woman’s boldness. There comes a time in a health journey when something shifts and there is no returning. Like any awakening, a lasting inner change occurs. The woman in today’s scriptures stands in that moment of knowing this is the Way, and she reaches out and touches Christ’s cloak. Her faith, not only in Jesus, but in her own knowledge of what she needed, heals her. The Great Physician heals on many levels and the physical is just one. She believed, after chasing the wrong physicians, that the One who stood within reach was the One she had been searching for all those years. Jesus had the power and she knew it.

Living with cancer is an interesting phenomena. Over the years I have journeyed with various friends and seen a myriad of reactions. I have seen some go to extreme measures of dieting and alternative methods of healing. I have watched some merely choose to accept the diagnosis and die shortly afterwards. I have seen others fight and survive. Some have turned to prayer. Some have turned away from God. I have tried not to judge anyone who is faced with such challenging decisions. The trouble with cancer is that there probably is not one right way to face it. Each cancer effects each person differently. I have a rare and aggressive form of cancer. How I choose to face this will be done listening to the ones who know best–including my own voice. The woman today reminded me that listening to the inner voice is a key to success. Patients cannot be passive. She knew that if she reached out, her hemorrhage would stop and that she would be healed.

In September, my inner voice spoke, telling me that I had the fight of my life on my hands. How I knew then what would be revealed had been a compilation of a journey that began to unfold a year ago in March. I had been having this inner dialogue that surprised me and prepared me to do the journey of these past six months. I am unsure of what the destination has yet to be or the twists and turns in the road along the way. I know that I treasure my inner voice more than I can express. These God-whisperings as I call them keep me sane and calm. There will be lots of voices that will try to sway me in the months ahead and I am learning what is helpful. As with Jairus, the synagogue leader whose daughter is at the point of death, keeping my eyes on Jesus and listening to him, is crucial. Jairus’ daughter has had as many years of life as the woman who Christ calls daughter has had her affliction. Jesus tells Jairus not to fear but only believe. What must have run through Jairus’ mind at that point? Did his God-whisperings cause his heart to leap and believe? They must have because he went with Jesus and sure enough, his daughter got up and was given something to eat.

Jairus had gone to Christ in a moment of crisis. He was interrupted by another daughter in need and saw that Jesus had time and compassion to heal her. He must have sensed that this man was what he was looking for and that was confirmed. I think we do know deep within what we are to do for our own healing. Lots of voices will compete with the God-whisperings. Discernment will help us find the way we must walk.

What I have found most helpful in these months are those who do not tell me what to do as if they know best but ask me what I need from them for my particular situation. I have been abundantly blessed with everything I need. So many dear ones have offered wonderful, consoling resources and distractions. The best among these have been prayer. Some have been bold in their petitions. Others have just lifted their moans and left it to a merciful God to figure out what is necessary. These have been a gift gratefully received.

What is God whispering to you that requires your attention?
How can your faith be bold enough to reach out for exactly what you need?

Peace,

Suzanne

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Laughing Fools

Posted on June 27, 2015 by sstyves

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The story of Abraham and Sarah entertaining the Lord (or three angels, depending on how you interpret this story) is one of my favourite Old Testament tales. The Lord appeared to Abraham it says in Genesis 18 and when Abraham looked up he saw three men. He immediately runs from the tent to greet them and bows down to the ground as if he knew that he was in the presence of someone holy. He hastens to Sarah and tells her to prepare a little feast. He serves the meal and one of them asks where his wife is. They learn that she is within earshot and deliver the awesome but incredulous message that Sarah will bear a son. Sarah laughs in response to this announcement and when she is challenged she denies she did.

The thought of her now as an old woman finally having this pleasure makes her laugh. How many times have we shaken our heads in disbelief at something and laughed at the impossibility of the idea, even if it is something we really want? We are fools for Christ and sometimes as in today’s Gospel it makes us do outrageous things such as the centurion asking Jesus to cure his servant but not expecting him to enter his house to do so. In the responsorial canticle of Luke 1–Mary’s canticle–we have Mary magnifying the Lord and turning the world order upside down. I am sure she and Elizabeth laughed long and hard at the thought of her words becoming a reality.

What is it in your life that causes you to laugh at the absurdity of it all? When you encounter the Divine, what happens with what you hold dearest? Can you believe that as crazy as it sounds, God has already designed it to be brought about?

Peace,

Suzanne

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Make Me Clean

Posted on June 26, 2015 by sstyves

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Lepers….who are they in today’s society? In Matthew’s Gospel, a real leper finds his way to Jesus, kneels and says: Lord, if you choose, you can make me clean. Such boldness is rewarded with three words: I do choose. The man is immediately cured of his disease and is warned by Jesus to say nothing to anyone but to go and show himself to the priest and to make the offering as prescribed by Moses.

This man is unnamed. He is an outcast. In today’s world we proclaim that people are unclean too, that they do not deserve the same rights and privileges as the rest of “us”. In a landmark decision today, the Supreme Court of the United States of America granted the right for same-sex marriage to happen throughout the nation. In the days and months ahead, we will see arise the best and worst of people as they argue what this means. In decades some people may have forgotten that this was not the norm. For those who have fought hard and suffered greatly, this moment will never be erased from memory.

On this same day, millions around the world have listened to President Obama sing Amazing Grace at the funeral of the pastor gunned down in South Carolina. African Americans are still seen as unclean by many, as undeserving of the same rights and freedoms as white people. Instead of embracing our differences and celebrating our diversity, we fall prey to fear.

While all this was going on this afternoon, I was watching the new Pixar film Inside Out, all about emotions such as fear, anger and sadness. Joy had a hard time reigning them in throughout the film. I think that is sort of true in life too. Emotions like joy find it hard to bloom when everyone wants to stamp them out. Each emotion has its place but the film showed that they need to work together to bring about the best results. When that happens love wins.

I think this is true for real life too. When fear gets the best of us, we forget to love the other, the unclean, the one who is different. When we forget, we make ourselves unclean because our hearts our leprous, decayed and infected. This has been an emotional day for sure. Make me clean, Lord, if you choose.

Who is your leper that needs your love? What emotions prevent you from saying Make me clean?

Peace,

Suzanne

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Rock Solid

Posted on June 25, 2015 by sstyves

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The Gospel reading today from Matthew 7 about the wise man who built his house on rock always makes me smile. My former pastor loved to use it at weddings. He confessed one day to the congregation during a homily that if he hated what the couple had chosen he would simply substitute that reading. I know that this was a true story because he did it for my friend’s daughter’s wedding.

If we look at Sarai and Haggar in the First Reading we see that at this point in time, they were not weathering the storms of life well. The wind blew and beat them down, but Haggar has an angel of the Lord that seeks her out to remind her she is not alone. When we are tempted to pitch our tent on the shifting sand, can we trust long enough to wait and build on solid rock?

St. Ignatius says to never make a decision when you are in desolation but rather wait until you are back in consolation. Haggar in her pain flees without discernment. God has other plans for her and does a divine intervention. Most of us are not so blessed to have an angel tell us what exactly we should do when we are running from the Rock. The message that Haggar receives is not an easy one but it is detailed. She returns home with courage and follows the will of God.

What would the message from an angel of the Lord look like for you at this juncture? Would you say that you are building your life on shifting sands or solid rock?

Peace,

Suzanne

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What Then?

Posted on June 24, 2015 by sstyves

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Today is the feast of John the Baptist, who was a wildly zealous man. From the very beginning of his life, he turned people towards Christ. In his mother’s womb, he leapt for joy at meeting Jesus for the first time. Then at his birth, he had everyone asking, What then shall this child become? John had a purpose in life, from the moment of his conception. Wow! Not many of us are that blessed.

I have been at two graduations this week and I have a retirement party yet to go to. These events are sort of at different ends of the career spectrum. One is filled with hope and joyful expectation of what is to come. The other is hopefully glancing back at a life filled with satisfaction and achievements. Those of us in the audience this afternoon cannot help but wonder what then shall these young lives become? Will they, like John, grow and become strong in spirit? Will they prepare the way for the Lord? Might they be light to the nations as in the first reading of Isaiah?

Psalm 139 says God formed us in our mother’s womb and we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Many of us forget that as we struggle with our identities in school, gather up memories of shame and not being enough, and forget that we were made to be a light–a shining soul that points others to the Creator. The Fourth Week of the Spiritual Exercises asks us how we will respond to the Great Giver. God has given us an abundance of gifts to use for the glory of the Kingdom. They are not meant to be used selfishly, rejected or hoarded. They are not meant to be used improperly or falsely either. John knew this when he said that he was not worthy to untie the thong of the sandals of the One Who Is To Come.

Do you leap for joy when you recognize Christ amongst us? What is God calling you to? What prevents you from going out in the wilderness?

Peace,

Suzanne

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Hit the Ground

Posted on June 22, 2015 by sstyves

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I heard a line in a song today that made me stop what I was doing and repeat it out loud: I touched the sky when my knees hit the ground. I had to listen for the chorus again when it came around again: I found my life when I laid it down. Ah, paradox. What do we do with Truth that resonates deep within? Do we let it penetrate our soul or do we ignore it?

I have had such an interesting day reflecting on a myriad of topics. Tonight as I prepare to do my Examen my mind is flitting through my day with a grateful heart. I awoke with a mission. I have been reading this beautiful manuscript from a friend that has been a pure gift. After a couple of late nights, I had decided to finish it this morning. I knew I was close to the end though on my iPad I did not know exactly how many pages I had left. I was prepared to read it all if I could, even though I had a busy afternoon. I settled in and opened my heart for what was to come.

The story has caught me on several levels since I started it and this morning I found myself weeping for several reasons. Today’s Gospel of Matthew 7 talks about taking the log out of your own eye before bothering to remove the speck in your neighbour’s. The novel has as one of its themes forgiveness. I have been thinking about this topic since yesterday when I briefly behaved badly at a family gathering. It is so easy to cast blame but not own our own stuff. The protagonist in the book made me realize forgiving this person in my life is possible and necessary.

One of the other mysteries that the book made me grateful for was how the Divine infuses our daily lives if we let it. Women and children, in particular, know this, but we do not always trust ourselves to act on it. I know too many female friends who wonder if their lives mean anything, if they have indeed found their God-given purpose. Perhaps because I feel as if there is a stop watch madly ticking right now, I keep returning to the question of whether I have fulfilled that purpose or if there is still something God wants me to do.

I actually had the oddest conversation about this last night after church with a guy I have sort of known for years. When I asked him how he was doing his response was something like he was keeping one step ahead of the worms. During our brief chat, he wondered about whether he had done what God had wanted him to do. In this novel that I was reading, the protagonist does find exactly what it is that God wants her to do. The thing is that everyone else does not really want her to do it because it comes at such a great cost. That is when one must hit the ground, allow our knees to carry us to heaven and rest there a while. Ultimately what others want is not as crucial as what God wants for our lives. We find our lives when we lay them down for the sake of the Kingdom. We will only find that path when we are our on knees.

What draws you to your knees? Who needs your forgiveness right now? What log must you pull out of your own eye?

Peace,

Suzanne

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Four-Letter F Word

Posted on June 21, 2015 by sstyves

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Today’s readings look at a four-letter f-word. Yeah, it is one we all know. You hear it on the news a lot. It is overused in high schools, the work world, and in most relationships. From job interviews to medical offices to online dating sites, it is rampant. All of us are very familiar with it: fear.

The Gospel of Mark 4 shows clearly how this four-letter word shakes our faith. During the great windstorm at sea, the boat that the disciples were in was swamped with water. They were scared. Where was Jesus? In the same boat, but fast asleep. Yup, Jesus was in the same boat–in the same boat!! Jesus was in the exact same situation as those disciples. What was his response just a few inches away from one of the other disciples? He was sound asleep. Asleep! Peacefully. So deep in sleep that this great windstorm that had everyone else in a flap did not even awaken him. The spray did not disturb him. The boat pounding and tossing on the waves could not jostle him from knowing all was well.

Upon waking, Jesus rebukes the wind and says three simple words to restore calm: Peace! Be still! How we long to hear those words when we are caught up in a windstorm. The voices that rage inside our heads terrify us: I will never get that job! I cannot do this! This will never work. He can’t possibly love me. I am not good enough. I could die. I am an imposter. What if….? What if people only knew that I was scared to death? What if we could hear only Jesus’ word of peace in those moments? Could the f-word be still?

Psalm 107 echoes the scenario of the Gospel and this line says it all: their courage melted away in their calamity. Oh Courage, hang on! Do not tremble. Rather know that God is within earshot and will hear your quaking knees. The storm can be stilled and the crashing waves hushed. God will lead you to your desired haven. This psalm has some stunning lines in it. Thank God for this steadfast love that endures forever.

The First Reading today is from the book of Job, chapter 38, when the Lord answers Job from a whirlwind. He must have been filled with fear as the words of the Almighty poured out: Who shut in the sea with doors when it burst out from the womb?–when I made the clouds its garment, and prescribed bounds for it, and set bars and doors, and said, ‘Thus far shall you come, and no farther, and here shall your proud waves be stopped’? Here the Creator of the Universe challenges Job, a lowly human, to comprehend that this God gave birth to the world, dressed every square inch of it, designed its parameters and details, and commanded what it will do. God is not some Wizard of Oz, waiting to be discovered as a phony magician. This God is not some fearful human, hiding behind an illusion. Whether it is in South Carolina or Sudan, this God sleeps in the boat with us. Do we comprehend that? This great God of ours, born in a stable, rejected by the powers that be, betrayed by his friends, crucified on a cross, and risen from the dead is with us. That four-letter f-word needs to be replaced a five-letter f-word: faith.

What windstorm threatens your faith these days? Do you believe that Jesus is in the same boat with you? How does that reality change the situation?

Peace,

Suzanne

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