Safe Landings

Posted on July 13, 2015 by sstyves

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The opening prayer or collect last week Friday was stunning:

Almighty ever-living God, who in the abundance of your kindness surpass the merits and the desires of those who entreat you, pour out your mercy upon us to pardon what conscience dreads and to give what prayer does not dare to ask.

God is the Generous Giver, the One who gives more than we can ask or imagine. The days when we dare not ask, God has already prepared and is ready to gift. We often do not deserve the kindness–we cannot merit the generosity on our own. God grants our desires out of a pure and unconditional love.

This weekend I was out in lake country, sitting alone on a boat as my friends had gone kayaking. I was tinkering with my new camera, wondering how everything worked when suddenly a butterfly–a monarch, I believe–flitted within feet of me. I readied my camera and away it flew. I sighed, watching it dance for a minute before it dashed out of sight. I smiled to myself even though I had not gotten the shot I had hoped for. Suddenly it reappeared and lighted on my shoulder. Slowly turning my head, I watched it for a minute and then raised my camera and took a selfie. I had no idea if the photograph would turn out. Off the creature went and I was left wondering how often that happens.

I tend to look for deep meaning in things and had been curious if there was a message for me. Today I might have gotten my answer. I had been thinking about a friend of mine who I had not seen in almost a year, perhaps longer. I kept thinking I should catch her up on my life and she had been on my heart so I was curious how she was doing too. I pulled into a church parking lot that has 24-hour Adoration and drove by a vehicle. The woman in the SUV sure looked like my friend but I could not be sure. I stepped out of the car and rummaged through my purse for the swipe card to enter the chapel. This was my first time going and I was a little uncertain about which door to use. As I pulled out the wee map that accompanies the card, I heard her greet me by name. I was so excited.

We had this amazing conversation and at one point, as I began to tire physically, I thought, I am in Adoration now, Jesus. I see your face here. I let go of any expectations and just listened to the voice of God at work. Her story, though different than mine, had good lessons for me. When she got to the part of the story about butterflies, I was all ears. Butterflies are a symbol of transformation and of new life. The old is gone and the new is beautiful. What seems like death is really change–a complete overhaul of what was into something more spectacular. I think God is at work within both of us, pardoning our transgressions and giving us what we dare not even ask for. We have so much healing for which to give praise.

I return to that butterfly of mine who found a safe landing space for a few minutes, just resting and being a source of joy and beauty. I am unsure what the past months have been for me however I do recognize that I have had a safe place to land in the hands of God. I still need to process it all but tonight I wonder if I have been wrapped in a cocoon in the cloak of Christ and have emerged as something utterly amazing. So many people believe a miracle happened to me through their prayers. I would agree that miracles abounded along the way. I cannot wait to see what God does with all of this. |For the greater glory of God!

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Recall a time when you landed safely in God’s good hands. What was it that allowed you to rest there?
Has God ever arranged an encounter that answered a question that you had been mulling over?

Prayer

Generous Giver,
Your abundance flows mightily
like a waterfall down a mountainside
and yet as gentle as a
butterfly alighting on a shoulder.
You are our safe landing;
there is none other like You.
Help me to recognize the mini-miracles that
surround me daily, whispering for attention.
Fill my heart with gratitude and joy
at each glimpse of the Divine.
Give us what we dare not ask for
in your mercy and love.

Amen.

Posted in #CancerSurvivor, #Consolation, #Miracles, #prayer, Catholic, Christian, Faith, Ignatian, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Sabbath Rest

Posted on July 12, 2015 by sstyves

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Consider that God, your Benefactor, is present in all creatures and in yourself. If you look at every step of the visible creation, in all you will meet God. ~ St. Ignatius of Loyola

I have just returned from a few days of rest. My heart rejoiced in the beauty of my surroundings–in the slap of the waves against the shore, in the seagull diving for fish, in the eagle soaring high above, in the call of the shore birds, in the chatter over supper and the silence of the sunbathing, and in the scarlet sky at sunset, God longed to meet us. Every visible part of creation left a mark on our souls and that heard but not seen also settled in. Ah, sabbath rest, you are a great gift.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

When was the last time you escaped a schedule and completely rested? Did you meet God there?
Remember a time when you knew God was present in all creatures and in yourself. Try to recapture that moment of consolation.

Prayer

Blessed Benefactor
Compassionate Creator
Generous Giver
Praise and thanks to you
For providing every thing I need
and more
Thank you for modeling rest for us
May we remember to rejuvenate ourselves
so that we may serve you with spirits
that are not weary or sullen
but with joy and energy.

Amen.

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Welcome Unexpected Visitors

Posted on July 9, 2015 by sstyves

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The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

From Essential Rumi
by Coleman Barks

House guests are usually welcomed visitors and so maybe Rumi has it right. Entertain them all! Joseph’s brothers return today in Genesis 44 and they tell the news of his father. The raw emotions pour out then. Joseph wept so loudly that the Egyptians heard it, and the whole household of Pharaoh heard it. The brothers are dismayed at the revelation of who he is. A crowd of sorrows could have rushed in and overturned furniture violently but instead Joseph redeems the situation and the past. He welcomes their shame and distress with the laughter of joy. His father is alive. He is reunited with his family. Most importantly, he acknowledges how God used what happen for glory–God sent me before you to preserve life.

Jesus too speaks of being a house guest today in Matthew 10. He describes how the disciples should enter the house, greet it, and if the house is worthy, leave their peace upon it. If it is unworthy, let the peace return. When we enter someone’s house, we can be guides that bring peace to those who live there or we can unsettle our hosts. Both have a place. When we enter our own houses, as in our own spirits, we can also pay attention to the guests there and learn from them. We can wish them peace and befriend them.

The social worker that I am meeting with regarding my cancer shared this Rumi poem with me after we had been talking about fear and some of the other guests who get a bad rap in the emotional department. He suggested paying attention to them and listening to what they were trying to share with me. Let them feel welcome to sit for a while. Get to know them and to recognize how they feel in my body. What do they do when they are there? Why have they come for a visit? The image of Joseph weeping so loudly that all heard him symbolizes a letting go and a release of the sorrow. He did not try to contain it but gave it free reign. My family doctor told me the other day that crying in her office was something I could do. She invited my sorrow into her room. I was grateful for that because it builds a relationship of trust and safety. If we invite emotions in, then perhaps they do not control us but rather we can have an enlightening conversation.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What emotions do you try to banish from your house? Why?
Are all emotions a gift from God that can teach us valuable lessons?

Prayer

Dear Master Builder,
If the house is not built on a strong foundation
it will crumble
You created us and said it was good
This includes our emotions
Help us to welcome all of them,
entertaining them and getting to know them well.
Let this guest house be gracious and accommodating,
ever attentive to what you are trying to teach us.
Show us how to treat each guest with honour and respect.
May peace be upon us.
Amen.

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Comes a Reckoning

Posted on July 8, 2015 by sstyves

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Every deed we do has an outcome. When his brothers sold him off to Egypt, they had no idea that Joseph would later have the power to determine their future. Reuben says it best: So now there comes a reckoning. How painful it must have been for Joseph to listen to his brothers, as he turned away and wept. They had carried their guilt for a long time.

One of the things I have tried to affirm for people these past few months has been to not feel guilty if they have been busy and unable to see me. I know their hearts and their lives. I know that clearing a schedule is not always easy. I want people to be very free and responsible for their decisions without feeling pressured or guilty. We all want something that we might not be able to articulate all the time. I want people to be stress-free as much as possible regarding my health.

Joseph’s brothers came out of a great need, a basic necessity really. God, who had this all figured out already, led them back to the brother they had tried to destroy. God placed before them a chance at redemption. The story is one of hope and reconciliation, but it does have its harsh moments. Joseph must decide whether to react with love or vengeance. Psalm 33 foreshadows what will unfold this week in the story: Lord, let your mercy be upon us, as we place our trust in you. God will deliver them from the famine and restore them to right relationships because God is merciful and just. This is who I place my trust in too and try to use as a model for behaviour. May I continue to keep my eyes on this Merciful One and allow others to be freed of expectations. May my own time of reckoning be merciful and compassionate.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions:

Have you ever had a moment of reckoning that frightened you? Were you met with mercy or vengeance?

Prayer:

Gentle Judge,
You see my heart with eyes of mercy
and act not in anger.
I bow down before you and ask your forgiveness.
May I learn new ways of reckoning
May I recognize you in all things
and pray for the humility to rise above
what the world expects and learn from you
how to build right relationships.

Amen.

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Limping for Life

Posted on July 8, 2015 by sstyves

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The story of Jacob wrestling with God–or the angel of God depending on who you read–has special meaning for me. In my twentieth year I was told that I had a benign tumour at the tip of my femur. I remember the surgeon saying I was damned if I did and damned if I did not (have the surgery). The procedure he was proposing had never been done here and there were no guarantees it would work. One of the fears was that I would limp for life. I learned this weeks before I was to leave for the United States to attend a post-secondary school. I was angry with God that this was happening. I cried a bucket of tears but in the end, after wrestling with the decision, I acquiesced. I was in too much pain to fight any more. The day I was supposed to leave for my studies ended up being the day I had my surgery.

This time around as I waited all these months for a diagnosis and prognosis around the suspected cancer, I found myself not really wrestling with God, but resting in Hands-that-held-me. I had survived that earlier match and have no visible limp. I am not sure I was given a new name then but I was most certainly blessed. I knew that I was resilient going into this surgery even though the stakes were much higher. The Great Physician had struck me in the hip joint once already and so now had permission to leave yet another mark on me.

We can see God face-to-face in the hard times of life–in the hard consolations as we call them in Ignatian terms. I knew God was with me every step of the way and this time I did not rage so much. As I have said in an earlier blog post, I felt wrapped in Mary’s mantle and Christ’s cloak. I had no idea what the outcome would be–and in many ways still do not as I await a decision about radiation or not–but I continue to be mostly calm at my centre.

I saw my family doctor today who said I looked great–that seems to be the consensus of those around me. As we talked though, I was honest about my physical and emotional limits right now. We had a good conversation. At one point as I was discussing my wellness plan with her, she said that I was amazing. I did not see the compliment coming and my response was not too gracious as I replied Only on the surface and began to cry. She begged to differ and said she had been impressed with how I had handled these past months. I did find my bearings and properly accept her assessment. I know I have done remarkably well on so many levels and that the turmoil inside is just bubbling over now on this side of surgery. I do not feel as if I am wrestling with God but I do sense a desire to have a deep conversation with this Great Physician, a longing to know the Name of this healer, and to allow myself to be renamed and healed. I know I will prevail as Jacob did.

In Matthew 9 today, Jesus goes about teaching, proclaiming the Good News, and curing every kind of disease and illness. He had compassion on the crowds because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Psalm 17 reveals the prayer of the one in need: Guard me as the apple of your eye. When I think about this recent medical experience, I know that God guarded me throughout it. I feel a bit harassed and helpless at the moment but I know without a doubt that I have a Shepherd. I may limp for the rest of my life this time but God’s abiding care will suffice for these next steps.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What has caused you to wrestle with God? How has that experience changed you?

Prayer

Great Physician, guard me as the apple of Your eye.
Do not leave me until You bless me
and leave Your mark upon me forever.
May I prevail until I see You face to face.
In the Name of the One names us anew,
Amen.

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In This Place

Posted on July 6, 2015 by sstyves

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Sometimes the daily readings are rich and meaningful, even when they are well known. Jacob’s story is fascinating to me at points and today in Genesis 28 amazing images are etched in my mind. I see him in the wilderness, resting his head on a rock for a pillow. I can visualize the ladder that reaches up to heaven from earth and I see endless angels ascending and descending. God appears and reassures Jacob: Know that I am with you and will keep you wherever you go….I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.

Jacob awakens and now sees what he did not when he laid down for his rest: Surely the Lord is in this place–and I did not know it! Ah, Jacob was still learning to see God in all things and he surely recognized him. His pillow became a pillar–he anointed it with oil and made a vow to turn that stone into God’s house one day.

I have never used this passage in Ignatian contemplation but it would be a perfect one for me right now. Watching the angels climb up and down the ladder might spark interesting thoughts about the number of angels that have surrounded me these past six months. Hearing God promise to stay with me wherever I go would produce deep emotion I am sure. I have been considering imagining Jesus with me at various points over the last year as my illness became known and listening to the message he has for me. This might be the passage to use for it. Pillows made of stone can become pillars for praise. The hard times in our lives can be transformed into something holy if we but have eyes to see that God is in this place.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions:

When has God been in a place where you did not recognize this holy presence immediately?
What hard thing is being transformed into a sacred spot for you?

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Sing Us A Song

Posted on July 5, 2015 by sstyves

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Sometimes we just want to go to a place where everybody knows our name and the piano man will sing us a song so that we feel alright. The familiarity of the crowd can be a hard sell though. In his hometown today, Jesus meets with opposition from those who think they know who he is. Mark’s Gospel has the crowd who may have gone to the synagogue with him, shared a meal, and maybe even attended his bar mitvah throwing slings and arrows. They take offence that deeds of power are being done by the hands of this carpenter. He did no deeds of power, Mark writes, except to lay his hands on a few sick people and cure them. No deeds of power? Gosh! That seems pretty miraculous to me.

Jesus was amazed at their unbelief. I wonder if the human part of him experienced some desolation when he could not perform any miracles that would have shown these people who he truly was. To me the consolation in this story is that he did not feel the need to prove these folks wrong. He knew that he was the Son of God but he did not force the comprehension of that fact on anyone gathered there. He let those people remain stuck in their own prisons while continuing to teach, hoping that the message might be heard with new ears and an open heart.

In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul is told that God’s grace is sufficient –that power is made perfect in weakness. Jesus did not rain down fire on the cynics. He simply went about his mission, healing people on all kinds of levels. Unlike some of the powers of that era, gentle Jesus extends his love and mercy. A great Prophet stood among them but his ego did not cry out for recognition. Might we all be so humble among our townspeople?

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions:

Who in your inner circle does not affirm you about your gifts and ministry? How do you respond to these people?

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When Pigs Fly

Posted on July 4, 2015 by sstyves

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The First Reading today made me wonder if Jacob would ever have succeeded without his deception. The expression when pigs fly comes to mind about the chances of him getting his father’s blessing as the second son. As the reading shows, Isaac meant to bless his first-born in preparation for taking over at his death. Jacob, with the cunning of Rebekah, usurps that birthright. The two of them fool poor Isaac but they never fool God.

Jacob blatantly lies twice to his father and despite his father’s doubts, Isaac proceeds to bless him. Similar to a well-known Gospel story, Jacob betrays his father even with a kiss. Ah ambition! Peoples will serve him and nations bow down before this deceiver. He even has the power to bless and to curse. He will be lord over his brothers, including the one from whom he has stolen everything. He must have been in great desolation when he agreed with Rebekah to carry out this plan. It is hard to believe that God will use this broken vessel but he does.

In juxtaposition on this Feast Day, we have St. Elizabeth of Portugal who marries at age 12 the King of Portugal. From her birth, she is a peacemaker, creating reconciliation between her father and grandfather. She seeks out the poor and the sick and continues to bring peace during rebellious times. After her husband dies, she gives up everything and joins the Poor Clares. Her last major act in life is to bring peace between two warring monarchs.

In the end, God uses both these people for his glory. Jacob goes on to become the father of the 12 tribes and is renamed Israel. God still moves in this man whose heart was ambitious and selfish. The story is complicated and reading it in its entirety reveals jealousy, anger, fear, and hopelessness. Esau’s people had turned away from God and were worshiping other idols. Jacob still followed the same God as his father. His story is much more complicated than Elizabeth’s but in the end, he does find redemption.

I wonder if Jacob ever looked back on his deathbed and saw the growth in his human spirit. The Examen helps us to keep a watch on our character and behaviour. Each night, when reviewing the day, we can see where we acted in accordance with God’s will or when we failed–where we saw God and when we missed the Creator. We get better with decision-making when we seek God before acting. Some of us, like Elizabeth, come to it more easily than others like Jacob. Where might you fall on the continuum?

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions:

What are your ambitions in life? What are you willing to do to make them happen? What values guide you in your decision-making?

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Like Children

Posted on July 3, 2015 by sstyves

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Life seemed so much more simpler when we were little. We could play for hours and many of us did not have a worry in the world. I would be foolish to say that is the case universally because I know that other countries and even here in Canada with high child poverty rates, children suffer. Generally though, my own childhood was one of playing outdoors in a safe neighbourhood, hanging out with friends and family, walking to school, skating on a rink with or without a hockey stick, playing with dolls, climbing trees, jumping double dutch, reading for hours on end, occasionally hitting home runs, and other carefree activities. If we had fears or distress, we often did not dwell on them but moved beyond them easier than we do now.

As an adult, I resonate with Thomas’ unbelief in today’s Gospel. Poor Thomas to me always got a bad rap. I understand him. Overcome with his grief, he needs proof of this crazy miraculous event. The others were able to see it but they had not believed the women when they were first told either. We are slow to believe in miracles but I do believe in them. In fact, I believe if we are searching for God in all things, it becomes almost impossible not to see miracles all around us every single day. Jesus wishes Thomas peace and that is perhaps when we need to see God most–when we cannot find peace. As adults we may not have the carefree life we did as children but we could capture that sense more often if in the storms of life we became like little children and trusted in God.

If we are citizens with the saints and members of the household of God (Ephesians 2.19), can we claim our peaceful childhood existence again? Is it possible to know that God.has.this and release it to the Loving Creator whose plans for us are a future with hope? We are all non-believers at some point when it comes to bad news that may have just turned into good news. When it becomes the Good News though, we want to pay attention. When right before our eyes, a miracle is unfolding, we need to stay focused on God and not let the darkness strip away the joy and amazement. We need to revel in the awe and be grateful. Whether it is an illness that we have been healed of, a job that we never thought possible, a relationship that survived the rough spots, or an opportunity of a lifetime that drops into our laps, doubt is our enemy and does not come from God. The Psalm is clear today: Go out to all the world and tell the good news. Let’s practice that and see if anything changes inside of us.

Reflection Questions:

When were you unable to believe in a miracle? What caused you to finally accept that it was true?

Peace,

Suzanne

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Shut Up & Dance!

Posted on July 2, 2015 by sstyves

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My God has always been a God of surprises who does not always use the traditional means to get my attention. Sometimes it is not Scripture readings but nature in the form of a bunny or crow. Today was no different. God used a song to shake me up and get me back on track. Despite the good news, I have crashed a bit. I have been plugging along for six months now and may have depleted some of my energy to maintain a positive attitude. I also have been so intent on getting through that it is only now that I am beginning to process all that has happened.

I had to get up early for a dentist appointment and I was tired. En route, I saw the police cruisers and tape. I glanced down at the sidewalk by the yellow tape and saw the pool of blood. My heart sank. I had heard about a knife attack on the radio at a popular outdoor patio but had not caught the details. I do not know the outcome as I write this but there was quite a bit of blood. I shook my head, remembering the stabbing victim on my unit in the hospital. Violence has to end. Life is too precious to throw away in a moment of anger. As I arrived at the dentist’s office, I tried to shake my sadness.

As I sat in the chair, the hygienist asked if there were any changes to my health. I had not been expecting that question and I slammed into the wall of my new identity. The hygienist was behind me and she could not see my face. After what seemed like more than a moment, I slowly replied: Yes. I have had major surgery..on my liver. A liver resection. That was all I could divulge. I could not bring myself to say cancer. It surprised me but I knew if I did that I might start crying and I did not want that. She asked if I was on any pain medications and the date of the surgery. Still out of view she said that she hoped I was recovering well. I forget what she asked me but my response was that I was waiting to hear about radiation. That was the closest I could come to disclosing my situation. I had not pre-planned a discussion about being a cancer survivor but now I will have to give that some thought.

The rest of the appointment was rather uneventful. From there I went to a meeting to discuss my back-to-work plan. My employer has been very supportive and yet I still felt vulnerable discussing my health issues. I am still too physically and emotionally fragile to return to work. My manager was supportive and continued to encourage me to take the time I needed. I headed to mass before coming home. I could not shake a tired sadness that was clinging to my soul.

I listlessly flipped through email and saw that Busted Halo had sent Song of the Summer picks. I clicked on one of the links. Even though it is not a Christian song, I heard the voice of God say to me in Walk The Moon’s hit: Oh don’t you dare look back, just keep your eyes on me. I said you’re holding back. She said, ‘Shut up and dance with me!’ What did you say, God? Yes! I am keeping my eyes on you, as I shut up, got up and danced wildly.

Reflection questions:

After a trying time followed by a brief celebratory elation, have you experienced desolation?
What pulled you back to consolation? Where did you find God?

Peace,

Suzanne

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