I’m Alive


The last word before I slipped into la-la land that left my mind was Yahweh, a total word, a perfect word, a word that I surrrendered to completely as the anaesthesia took hold of me. Hours later in recovery, the din pulled me back. I could hear my name and saw medical staff and bright lights.  I am alive!  Emotion washed over me but there was no time to give in to it. Yes, I responded to my name and began to answer the questions. Surgery was over.  It had gone well.  My vitals struggled a bit to stabilize. A couple of hours passed. Some man came over to tell me he was taking me up to the ward. No, I argued, you can’t yet. Ask the nurse. Stubborn and bossy even when I am drugged to the max! The nurse shooed him away.

I could sense the frustration as to why my blood pressure was not stabilizing. Everything seemed ok otherwise. One nurse said I’ll be right back, returning with a glove filled with ice. She explained that she was going to touch my shoulder and I should feel cold. Then she would touch the area around my incision and I should feel nothing. She touched my shoulder. Cold. She touched my abdomen. Cold. She touched another place on my abdomen. Cold. Let’s start again, she suggested, thinking I was confused. The fourth touch was numb. When she realized I could feel much more than I was supposed to adjustments were made, my vitals completely stabilized and a friend slipped in to greet me.

The journey to wholeness and health is not a solo one. I was carried to that overwhelming moment of knowing I had survived  by hundreds of prayers, sacrifices, and kindnesses of both loved ones and complete strangers. Gratitude is somehow insufficent for me to express how important being yoked to hundreds of you has been. On this Feast Day of St. Matthias, I humbly say thank you to those who have brought me thus far. You are good apostles. You brought me to the Lord in moments when my own strength failed me. You begged the Great Physician for healing. I know some tears were wept that I might not survive the surgery. I promise to hold your needs in prayers as I recover, as I have done as much as possible until now. I am not yet out of the woods but the recovery is remarkable in medical terms and miraculous in spiritual worlds.

The next few weeks are crucial to continued good health.  This has been a major trauma to my body. The surgeon was very pleased when he came to see me the next day.  I had been up walking already, slow and steady. I thanked him for his work and he interjected that I was doing remarkable. You did your part, I insisted, now it’s time for me to do mine. He smiled back at me and nodded, I’m going to hold you to that. 

There are many pitfalls that can occur in the next several weeks. I need to continue to learn how to rest and to put myself first before others. These are not easy lessons for me. I have lots to share about my experiences since I have last posted. I still choose to live in the moment and leave the rest nailed to the cross until I need to go there.

It may be a month before I know my diagnosis and prognosis. I am very good with that as it will be at least that before I feel somewhat normal again. Please wait patiently with me as the pathology reports are gathered. God will reveal in the appropriate moment what has gone on and what is to come. Be good a Matthias and minister without excessive curiosity and worry. God.still.has.this.  I still believe that. For those good Matthiases who have, with my permission, been sharing my updates, I thank you for reaching out to those who have waited for word. God bless you for you faithfulness to me and to those who mean the world to me.

I am alive.  I am so very grateful for and blessed by all of you who brought me this far, not the least of all my Beloved, the Great Physician.  To God be the Glory!



About sstyves

A Canadian prairie girl rooted in Ignatian spirituality, I seek God in all things. Whether I catch a glimpse of the Divine and delight in its presence in nature or in the beauty of an encounter with someone, I am ever so grateful that I can recognize the Creator. I greet each new day with hope and happiness, expecting blessings and miracles because I am created to praise, love and serve God. This blog is one way of realizing that through my writings, prayers, and photography. To God be the Glory!
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3 Responses to I’m Alive

  1. Monica says:

    So glad to hear that your surgery went well. Wishing you a comfortable, steady recovery over the next few weeks. I get a lot from your posts and am going back to some earlier ones. The Great Physician…beautiful and healing words. Take care….you are in my thoughts each day.

  2. Sherry Bouchard & Mel McMurray says:

    God be with you Suzanne, a true and faithful follower. We knew u could do it. We’re with u the rest of the way.

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