Laughter Unfurled

Posted on May 28, 2016 by sstyves

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Do you have people who are part of your tribe–the ones where laughter unfurls and joy madly whirls? Those folks know your story because they have been there at various junctures, have been part of the lessons learned and the sorrows survived. Well, part of my tribe arrived tonight bearing gifts. They brought this great Brian Andreas card which reminded me of when some of us visited his studio together a few years ago.  Lots has happened to all of us since that gettogether.

I spoke of these women during my interview with Dr.Chochinov yesterday. All of these women are almost one decade older than I am and yet from the moment we met there has been an incredible bond. I truly love these women. I have always said that there is something about the women in my life that is extraordinary and it certainly holds true for this part of my tribe.  I very much felt I was still a child when I met them – I was only 20 years old and did not have a lot of life experience. Moving to the United States was a scary and exciting decision that I have never regretted, partly because of the amazing friendships formed with these remarkable women.

When I was asked if I could pull out one memory about what I had learned from these women, my mind did not go where I expected it to. Really, there were so many other recollections of my feminist journey, but it was my heart that needed me to know how deeply these women loved me.  All of my life I had a community of women/females with whom to unfurl laughter.  This has made all the difference. Even in my earliest years, a group of girls surrounded me and blessed me.  Those friendships created on the playground of my elementary school that began in grade one remain today. These women who I met at college are still very much part of my life and of my heart.

I have amazing memories that I could have shared. There was the time that I stayed with my friend Liz who when she found out we had not ever eaten catfish she whipped us up a full course meal of catfish and greens and served it to us at 1:30 in the morning. Don’t ask a southern woman about food without expecting to eat. I learned about hospitality that day.  Another time, I stayed with a friend who was on food stamps because she was poor. I offered to go to the store to pick up some food for her and she was reluctant to let me  experience the snarky attitude that accompanied not being able to pay with cash. That day I learned  about shame and resilience. Mostly I remember the many deep conversations about careers, children, dreams, travel, world issues, and extended family members.  There were many late nights, punctuated by laughter and sometimes the odd sprinkling of tears, but always was the affirmation of each person within the circle.

These are women who have lived fully and loved deeply.  They have taught me to love myself because they have found someone spectacular inside of me, as I have with each one of them.  As one of them said in the card, now that we were all together again, all is right in the world. May laughter unfurl as we share these next days together. May we be blessed in conversation and in silence. May our worlds never be the same again because of our friendship and love for one another.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Who is your tribe?

What  is it about unfurling laughter that can change the world?

Prayer 

Holy Spirit, give us the joy of unfurling laughter. Let us twirl rejoicing in our tribes, celebrating the women in our lives who create the world anew. May we be healers, teachers, mentors, and admirers for one another. Amen.

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You are Brave

Posted on May 27, 2016 by sstyves

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You are brave.  I heard these words many times this morning.  I find them a little overwhelming, to be honest. I felt somewhat nervous about the task at hand. I don’t often feel brave. I feel at peace. I feel accepting of what is going on in my life.  I feel unsure about many things.  It is a nice reminder to know that I am brave.

Today I was interviewed in front of an audience of about 70 people from around the world who are learning to do the work of Dignity Therapy that Dr. Harvey Chochinov has created.   Part of a larger conference, my segment was to have Dr. Chochinov ask me questions about my life that would become part of a legacy document for my loved ones. As I reflect back on the session, I am grateful for having said yes. My original agreement in participating was part of living out loud this experience of mine and to continue to use it as a teachable moment. I knew it would be meaningful to have the document for family members but the experience turned out to be so much more profound than I could have predicted.

At one point, the conversation turned to my career training in the United States where at the ripe age of 20, I met women who became life-long friends and mentors. When asked to select a memory regarding these women, the one that came to mind surprised and moved me. Ever a keener, 1981 was the Year of Disabled People  and so I became temporary disabled that year. For six months, I was unable to walk without crutches because of the surgery that I had undergone due to hip surgery.  Thus when I went down to the US later that year to study I had certain physical limits.  A group of us had gone out to the country to cross country ski which was something I was not able to do and when the other women discovered why, everyone decided to walk instead of ski.   That was such a beautiful evening, sprinkled with the stunning nature of the park that we hiked in and punctuated with deep conversation. When asked by the psychiatrist why this moved me, I think I realized anew  how much these women loved me for who I was, as I was.  These women are arriving on my doorstep tomorrow evening. They have  taught me so much over our 30+ years of friendship.  I am ever grateful for all the lessons that I have learned from them.

Another part of the interview that surprised me was talking about one of my cousins who I love deeply. I was surprised that amongst the words that did not come out for my family were I love you. We are not a family where those words are commonplace but these are the words that I wanted to say for my cousin who is the person most in life who gets me. I became quite emotional at this realization–both that I could not say them to my family and that I wanted to express them to my cousin.

The other unexpected blessing of doing this interview was the reaction of a very generous audience. The people gathered were incredibly kind. At each question, the  participant began with a thank you for my involvement and many stated how brave I was as I’ve said. As a spiritual director, I know that it is not  easy to share one’s life story with a stranger, let alone a room full of strangers, but I do know that it is a sacred task. I am always amazed at how forthcoming the retreatant can be when they meet with me. The healing that can happen when one’s story is told always strikes me. I found it helpful to keep it real with this particular audience. Those gathered held space as gentle witnesses to a life well-lived and honoured the sanctity of the story.  They affirmed the journey that I had lived.

There is more that I want to say about this experience and I will do so in the days ahead. For now I will say that I am grateful that I found the courage to participate in this event. I am not sure how I was selected but I do know that I was supposed to be there–for my own continued healing and for the audience members

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Do you recognize your own courage?

What memory from your life teaches you something about your graced history?

Prayer

Good and Gracious God, you bless us in ways we cannot even begin to imagine and equip us for each encounter. Thank you for stretching comfort zones and speaking through us for your glory. Amen

 

 

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Genuiness of Faith

Posted on May 23, 2016 by sstyves

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The First Reading from 1 Peter 1 today says that even if you suffer various trials now, you can rejoice regarding the genuineness of your faith, which is tested by this fire, because it will result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus is revealed. This reading is really one of praise. A great promise is outlined that we have an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for us who are protected by the power of God. Though we have not seen God, we believe, and because of this, we receive an indescribable and glorious joy.

These are heady words and yet, I find comfort and peace in them during my illness. Psalm 111 has the psalmist giving thanks to God with a whole heart, not a partial one. The Lord remembers the covenant established forever–not just temporarily. The choice, as illustrated in the Gospel of Mark 10, is ours. Do we keep our part of the promise to love even without seeing, to believe despite the darkness that threatens us, and to rejoice because our faith tells us to? Or do we leave, shocked, grieving, and disappointed because the going has gotten tough?

What does it mean to be an heir to something that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for us? No moth can destroy this treasure, no fire can perish it, and no sun can fade it. It is everlasting this gift that awaits us in heaven. We do nothing to achieve it; the entry is given freely through the mercy of a gracious God who extends an invitation to Love. Can we love this One with all of our hearts and trust that we will receive a glorious joy at the end of our days?

I know whose standard I stand under: I am for Christ. I love the Holy Trinity with my whole heart and my faith is genuine. This is not to say that at times I do not falter or doubt but my eyes are on the prize. I have had a most amazing life but that does not mean it has been pain-free. On the contrary, the sufferings have shaped me into a more compassionate person with a heart that desires to serve God even more. Suffering cracks open shallow faith and exposes it to the Light. Trials cause faith to mature. I am part mermaid in that I have dived deeply into dark, murky waters. I have emerged scarred but sacred. Each challenge has marked me. I have had a choice to make–and I have always chosen my faith. It has never disappointed me. The church has. So-called Christians have failed me. My faith though–my relationship with the Trinity–it keeps evolving and even when I do not understand it, I am in awe of it. God has a good grip on me thankfully. I hope that I may be able to stay the course in the coming months, and unlike the man in the Gospel, I hope that I am able to follow Jesus to the very end right through the eye of the needle. I believe that with God all things are possible. What that looks like, I cannot say, but I need to trust the way.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Do you believe that you have an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven?

Do you give thanks to God with your whole heart or just a part when the going gets tough?

Prayer

God, get a good grip on me and keep me from wriggling away when trials overwhelm. Crack open my faith so that it may die and grow into a strong tree with beautiful blossoms. Help me stay the course, remaining under your banner of Love, and pull me right through the eye of that needle. Amen.

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Hope Does Not Disappoint

Posted on May 22, 2016 by sstyves

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Trinity Sunday is a mystery to most folks.  Who or what is the Trinity?  To say that I believe in One God of Three Entities would be the Catholic belief of Trinity–God the Father , the Son, and the Spirit. It is sort of like a tree with three parts but the same roots and trunk. Each One has its own personality to me: The Never-Ending Creator, the Human and Divine Son, and the Ever-Present Spirit.

I was reading my former pastor’s teaching on this topic and found myself smiling at his thoughts. A true Jesuit, he believed God present in everything, finding God whenever he took the time to look. As Father, Son and Spirit, God is to be experienced in a thousand  different ways in our lives and we will in turn relate to this God in many varied and different fashions, Fr. Brian Massie said in a homily once. We don’t have ONE image of God … God is different things at different times … at one time a close friend and confidante, at another a healer and consoler, at yet another a source of courage and stick-to-it-iveness. Yes! I affirm these thoughts. God is diverse, both One and Many at the same time. The Trinity is all about diversity and this brings me joy.

When I talk to retreatants who undertake the preparation for the long retreat, I ask them which of the Trinity they most connect with. I love the variety of the answers. Some see God as a gentle, loving Father. Very few hold to the old school image of a grey-haired Male who metes out punishment harshly. Many see God as the Creator, marking out the foundations of the earth and seas and establishing the skies above and fields below and all that live within these  as seen in the First Reading today from Proverbs 8 and Psalm 8. The Spirit or Wisdom accompanies God here, created at the beginning, when the earth was still a concept. Wisdom blowing through the world, playing alongside the Divine One, delighting in the human race.

Jesus who has come and walked among us, delivers peace to our troubled hearts. Christ understands intimately our trials and sufferings because he has faced them himself. The Son is our model of Hope, of Trust and of Love. When we cannot bear to hear the news, he assures us that Hope will not disappoint us (Romans 5). When we are faced with the challenges of life, we can easily forget that we have a God who can be whatever we need at the moment–a healer, a comforter, a solid rock, a shield, a gentle breeze, a teary-eyed friend, a warm embrace. This Triune God can be for us more than we can ask or imagine.

Jesus will tell us what we need to know in an as needed time line. This Triune God who delights in the children created rejoices with us and for us. These Three from the same Trunk pour out Love into our hearts and grant us peace when the unthinkable arrives. We will have strength to survive our sufferings, endurance that surpasses our limits, and a hope that will not disappoint.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

How do you understand the Trinity?

What do you seek from this Triune God in times of tribulation?

Prayer

Holy Three-in-One, You are everything to me, more than I can ask or imagine. Come now and pour Your love into me as You delight in us. Fill us with hope, trust and endurance so that we might run the good race. Amen.

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Faith Beyond Vision

Posted on May 22, 2016 by sstyves

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We see what we want to see.  I went in search of an eagle today. I had seen it two years ago and knew where the nest was. I could not really see anything at first glance. I peered a little, raised my camera and took a shot in faith that what I thought might be an eagle was indeed.

It was not until I uploaded the photo that I confirmed I was correct. Life is like that  some days; we do not see clearly until later.  Our intuition tells us to trust beyond our vision. Can we see beyond the visible? Does the sacred whisper to us some days and we recognize it in the hush? God is in the silence. The Divine is present even if the picture is not totally in focus.  Can we trust that?

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Is seeing believing?

Are you attentive to God-whispers?

Prayer

Do I spot You in this daily game of hide-and-seek? Ah, Divine Creator, You are in all things, whispering teasingly for us to pay attention. Give me eyes of faith to see. Amen.

Posted in #Consolation, #prayer, #Saints, #YearofMercy, Catholic, Christian, Faith, Ignatian, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

Glory of God

Posted on May 20, 2016 by sstyves

imageThe glory of the God shimmers all around us. Do we have eyes to see it? This time of year colours catch the eye every other second. My social worker had asked me if I had noticed a heightened awareness to beauty and at the time I had said no. More recently though, I find a twinge of sadness when I see something that makes my heart sing. I wonder if this is my last spring and if this is the last time I will see such exquisiteness here on earth. The smell of these trees is glorious too. What will heaven be like in comparison?

I sometimes hear a giant invisible clock ticking lately. Four months have passed since I was given my prognosis. I know that doctors cannot really predict how much time I have left…that they can only give a best guess. They do not factor in the millions of prayers that have been lifted. I still do not completely understand how that works either. What makes the prayers lifted for me successful but not for other, equally loved people? Does it even matter that people love me? Should not every person have God’s attention?

I could get distracted by all these existential questions or I could simply revel in the gift of each day and look for God in all things. The glory of God is all around me. If this is the last time I am blessed by beautiful blossoms bedazzling the eyes, then let me celebrate these buds now. Let them fill my heart with joy and my soul with delight.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What shimmers with the glory of God for you?

Are you living in the joy of now?

Prayer

Glorious God, Generous Giver, bedazzle me in every moment. Open my eyes wide and my heart wider. Grateful, ever grateful, am I. Amen.

Posted in #Consolation, #Miracles, #prayer, #YearofMercy, Catholic, Christian, Faith, Ignatian, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Go with the Flow

Posted on May 20, 2016 by sstyves

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I had a busy day of sorts. I had gotten a good 9 hours of deep sleep and hope to still get to bed relatively early tonight so this will be a shorter blog. I had a few things to do around the house before a couple of meetings in the afternoon. When I stepped outside to go to the first meeting, I was gloriously greeted by a beautiful spring day, the tree in the front yard bellowing hello. I felt a deep longing to play hooky today.

I did not though. I went to a great meeting with the other spiritual directors who are involved with the Spiritual Exercises. I then went to turn in the monies for one of the charities that I had earmarked for my birthday donations.  In between those two meetings I  messaged a friend that I was running a bit late for our coffee outing. When I got home, he picked me up and on a whim, we changed plans and drove out of town for supper and a walk.

I was given two options and I chose the faraway one when he said he was putting the top down on the vehicle. I needed to breathe by the water too and wondered if the pelicans might be around to play. They were there in great number. We watched them for awhile, these odd yet mystical creatures as they huddled together, dozens of them, maybe even more. Watching them go with the flow, floating backwards and flipping around to nestle in with their clan, I thought they knew where they belonged. Occasionally, they took off and flew towards the dam, running along the water before they lifted off and glided low to the water, wings beating, echoing back to us on the shore.

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They are protective of one another, these pelicans pods. They kept a close eye on us as we drew near them, floating away from us, or flying off. I googled pelicans tonight and discovered that in Catholicism they are a symbol for the Christ figure because of two legends. The first is that during a famine, a mother pelican wounded herself, striking her breast with the beak to feed her blood to her babies to prevent starvation. A different twist says that the mother fed her dying young her blood to prevent their deaths, losing her life in the process.

I must admit that watching these birds go with the flow did restore me tonight to life. I felt as if I had had a mini-vacation. Christ who redeems us with his death, rejoices with our mini-resurrections. He desires our wholeness. I am grateful for my Saviour who reminds me to go with the flow more often and who celebrates the concept of community in pods of pelicans and people. May we all be ready to lay down our lives for others.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

When was the last time you played hooky?

Who makes up your pelican pod?

Prayer

Walking on water is one thing, but running on water and taking flight is a whole other adventure. Let me go with the flow, Jesus, and be open to all your glorious plans. Amen.

Posted in #Consolation, #Miracles, #prayer, #Travel, #YearofMercy, Christian, Faith, Ignatian, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Strive to be Free

Posted on May 17, 2016 by sstyves

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As part of an Ignatian Lay Volunteer Group, I have been reading Chris Lowney’s book, Pope Francis, Why He Leads the Way He Leads, an enlightening book on leadership. Lowney examines Pope Francis/Fr. Bergoglio’s values and leadership style in light of Ignatian Spirituality. Last night we finished the book and all of us in the circle spoke resoundingly of how beneficial the book was no matter whether we led in business, community, church, or family arenas.

For all of us, the final chapter held many gems but for me, the one that caught my heart was this quote: I will strive to be free: not rootless, but free from whatever fears, uncertainties, addictions, obsessions, or derailing baggage might deter me from choices that lead to what is good, beautiful, just, and true. I am preparing for an interview in front of an international conference in which I may be asked the question What message do you wish to leave for your loved ones?  This resonated for me as an answer I am trying to articulate: Strive for freedom and try to move beyond your fears.

Most of us, myself included, let fear manipulate and paralyze us. John English, a Canadian Jesuit who pioneered in writing for and teaching lay people about the Spiritual Exercises, talks about this freedom too. As I face the end of my life, I look back and reflect that I have often said I have few regrets. I have tried not to live in fear for over a decade now and I have cleaned out lots of the emotional baggage that weighed me down. I had not been so much aware of the unconscious choice of leaning towards goodness, beauty, justice, and truth, although, clearly that has also been the equivalent work that I have done. I have grounded myself in my faith and rooted myself there.

In this way, I am helping to create a future of hope, one that overflows with goodness, joy, and peace. We build the future on solid rock and not on shifting sands when we keep our eyes on the Trinity and not on fear, which is the work of the Father of Lies. The Evil one would whisper incessantly about our inabilities, our self-doubt,and our compulsions, chipping away at the freedom we wish to have. Instead we must stand firm in the advice from Philippians 4:8: Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.  Leave the dark, shaming murmurings to the Dark. Leaders stand on the solid ground of the Light.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What fears, uncertainties, addictions, obsessions, or derailing baggage deter you from choices that lead to what is good, beautiful, just, and true?

What message would you like to leave behind for your loved ones?

Prayer

We are haunted by our fears, doubts, and compulsions, God. That is not how you created us. You made us in your likeness and desire us to ponder what is pure and holy, lovely and light, true and noble. Fill our hearts with these elements and cleanse our being of addictive obsessions and self-loathing. Help us to create futures of hope; allow us to be leaders of Light. Amen.

Posted in #Consolation, #Miracles, #prayer, #YearofMercy, Catholic, Christian, Faith, Ignatian, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Veni Sancti Spiritus

Posted on May 16, 2016 by sstyves

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Breathe into me, Holy Spirit, that my thoughts may all be holy.
Move in me, Holy Spirit, that my work, too, may be holy.
Attract my heart, Holy Spirit, that I may love only what is holy.
Strengthen me, Holy Spirit, that I may defend all that is holy.
Protect me, Holy Spirit, that I may always be holy.
~ St. Augustine

Reading this prayer today, I felt like I needed some mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Breathe into me, Holy Spirit, and make me holy. Suck out of me every little obstacle that hinders me from being sacred. Fill my lungs with your breath. Fresh air must blow out all my staleness and lifeless desire. Come Holy Spirit, and renew me. I want to love only what you deem is holy. Move in and through me, Breath of Life so that I may always be holy too.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What need of resuscitation do you have?

Do you pray to the Holy Spirit for renewal?

 

 

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Fatima and Sheep

Posted on May 14, 2016 by sstyves

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I was in Fatima just a few short weeks ago which seems quite distant now. On this day 99 years ago, Mary appeared to the three young shepherd children, responding that she had come from Heaven. She would appear five more times, monthly on the 13th day. Two of the children were to die young, while the third would live for almost 100 years. She would in fact, see her two cousins beatified by Pope John Paul II in 2000, five years before she died.

I have been thinking about Fatima today, about Our Lady, and my time there. In many ways, what happened to me in Fatima was my most profound spiritual experience. As I flipped through the photos again tonight, I lingered a bit at the photo of the rainbow–the sign of a promise. I cannot say what God may have been promising me in that sign but I did smile when I saw it. At the very least, it is a reminder that God is with me on this journey.

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I thought about those young children as I walked in the olive tree groves that day. They were visited three times by an angel prior to Mary appearing to them while they tended their sheep in the fields in which I walked. I wondered how they must have felt. They were 9, 8, and 6 which is young to encounter such an experience–yet it was young to be out in the fields caring for animals too. Our world was very different then. There was something magical about the lighting as I walked along. It was not quite the golden hour but the trees were shimmering in the light quite beautifully.

Today’s Gospel reading makes me connect the two stories–Jesus asking Peter to feed his sheep and Mary giving these children the mandate to do the same: The Holy Hearts of Jesus and Mary have designs of mercy on you, the angel had told them in order to prepare them for what was to come. Both are reminders that we are asked great things by the Trinity and Mary, but they do not abandon us. They are with us and provide us what we need. Two of the visionaries went Home early, succumbing to the influenza soon after seeing Mary.

One of the questions I turn over in my head is this whole idea of long life or short. I know that St. Ignatius did not want us to cling to a long life but rather focus on loving, praising, honouring, and serving God. I think Peter and those three children did just that. I hope I am doing the same. Mary did not promise the shepherd children anything that could be understood by human hearts–she asked if they would be willing to suffer and with childlike innocence they said yes.

Not many adults would have done the same, I suspect. We are not a people who like to suffer. Today, I spoke a little with a politician about the right to die legislation that is being drafted in Canada. He explained to me some of the restrictions that I had not known about previously. We talked about this being a first world problem as people in the south do not have the luxury to even think about such a topic. I feel such sadness at the thought of ending my life prematurely. I know that we do not like to see people suffer but I sense that there is a reason we do suffer and maybe not everything that happens in those final moments is a lost cause.

On the one hand, I do not want people to see me suffer and yet, I do not wish to shoo them away either. I suspect, in the end, my circle will be small to quiet my spirit and respect my need to be present to the final moments. Being single, the journey is different and the gatekeepers need to be clear about who gets to be there for the suffering portions.

Many of you have been touched by the knee prayer story told in an earlier blog post. I shared it this week while I was teaching about Graced History and the Examen. That prayer on my knees in Fatima did something to me. I am still living into the humility it taught me and yet at the same time, I see that like Peter in today’s Gospel, I had a certain amount of arrogance that needed to be purified. The walk made me suffer in a way that I had not chosen before. I chose to suffer. When I finally decided to submit in obedience to the request to do the kneel prayer, I knew that there would be no turning back. I think Peter must have felt some of that same determination once committing himself to the task of feeding the sheep in the same way that the children did.

There are no escape routes on this cancer journey. I must walk it faithfully and believe that the rainbow was a promise that the Trinity is with me. I may suffer much more than I currently am–or I may not. Two of the three visionaries had their lives shortened. The other served God a very long time. I think the Holy Hearts of Mary and Jesus have designs of mercy for most of us if we pay attention properly. May I keep an open heart and be ready to feed sheep along the way.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What signs do you have that the Holy Hearts of Jesus and Mary have designs of mercy on you?

How are you being asked to feed sheep?

Prayer

Shepherd God, you alone are holy. I will walk on my knees for you until they bleed to show that I am yours. I will feed your sheep. I will suffer if I must. I am in your good Hands. May I be at peace. Amen.

Posted in #BibleStories, #Consolation, #Miracles, #prayer, #Saints, #Travel, #YearofMercy, Catholic, Christian, Faith, Ignatian, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments