More Than Luck

Posted on November 12, 2015 by sstyves

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I slept most of yesterday. I had gone to bed early and awoke at 6:15 a.m. I knew something was not right. This was more than nausea. I have not had to take any meds in between sessions until yesterday. I also have not called in after hours to the on-call oncologist but that changed too. He asked what I had been given for breakthrough nausea. I had not been given anything so he ordered up a miracle drug that worked quickly. I suppose it could be a flu, despite having the flu shot recently, but still it sucks. I cancelled my day and slept from 9:00 am until 7:00 pm with a few moments of trying to order the meds, drink some fluids and have the odd phone call.

I am grateful for those who raised prayers, checked in, and dropped off the meds. I find myself continually blessed by the support I receive when I need it. I realize though that I need a better plan. I need to give a few friends some keys and set up some sort of care plan if there will be days like that. I am more than lucky to have friends who will do this so now I need to start saying yes.

I am keeping this short as I am still not my usual 85% so I need to rest again but thought I should check in.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Who lives in your support network?
How have you coped with a day that knocked you down?

Prayer

Knocked down,
but not out,
God.
I am blessed with
good friends who
rise to the occasion.
I am grateful for my Simons.

Amen.

Posted in #CancerSurvivor, #prayer, Catholic, Christian, Faith | Tagged , , , , , | 4 Comments

Clobbered by Chemo

Posted on November 9, 2015 by sstyves

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I was speaking with the local archbishop yesterday and explained that I had been clobbered by chemo. We had a brief but good talk before others joined us. He encouraged me to keep letting go of things and to put myself and my health first. Everything else could wait.

Someone that I have known only as an acquaintance over the years and then once as a talented and brilliant professor has begun sharing his blog with the world. I want to share this link to it: http://www.dancingwithelephants.net/6-keys-lose-mind/ because I can so relate to the elephants that I dance with, the elephants that do not need to be in the room because I have not brought them in, and the thinking that Jarem has that resonates much of my own. One of the first times I met him–in fact, it may have been the first time–I remember thinking, that young man is gonna go places. He did…and he still does. He has my respect and unwavering support. As I rummage around his rumblings, they resonate.

Somewhat of a people-pleaser, I find it hard to be so exhausted all the time in this new normal. I know that certain people have expectations of me that I cannot live up to and I have let go of them quite some time ago, but they have not. They insist on dragging the elephant into the room while I want it to go play outside and be free. I just want to be liberated, too. Jarem has some hilarious observations about this and how to deal with them but I cannot find them tonight. Explore his site and discover them for yourself.

The more my reaction to this disease and its treatment releases my inhibitions and unhealthy behaviours, the more I marvel at the person I might be in a few months. I am going to read Jarem’s take on life, illness and death and then figure out what lessons are there for my own journey. I think being knocked down by chemo is the beginning of yet a more complete letting go and as Jarem suggests, an opportunity to dance with elephants that come parading through our lives that we do not really wish to examine. Perhaps that is the blessing for me in all this. I have always loved to dance.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Is there something in your life that needs to wait right now while you deal with the most important aspect of your life?
What elephants in life must you learn to dance with?

Prayer

Jesus,
You fell, not once, not twice,
but three times.
You got up each time and
walked to Calvary.
You hung on that cross
and rose again
against all odds
in spite of the disbelievers.
You show us that we can
rise again too.
May I follow the
blood-marked path
knowing that
Life is waiting.

Amen.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Overcoming Adversity

Posted on November 7, 2015 by sstyves

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This week has been challenging on so many levels. Sunday night after mass I had said to a man that what I was going through compared to others in the chair seemed like nothing. He looked at me funny and I double-backed. Well, not nothing, I admitted. He looked me straight in the eye, something he sometimes has trouble doing, and firmly stated, No, it’s not nothing. Something about the fierceness with which he said it took my breath away. The words echoed in my head on the way home. Am I playing small? Am I denying what I am going through? In many ways, it did not matter because this week changed that. I have been dragging myself around when I am not sleeping. I open and close the fridge door without eating anything. I turn to computer games to numb whatever I am trying to avoid about the state of my physical and emotional health. I make tea that tastes amazing and drink as much as I can, trying to flush out the poison that now hurts to have inside me.

I had said to that same man that I probably would not look any worse than what I currently did and two minutes later a woman came by and remarked that I was wasting away. He nodded in agreement. Has everyone who has said I look great been fibbing? I had also said my hands were open more than ever and that I was surrendering more and more of my will. I do not know if Satan was eavesdropping that night and thought, Fine, I am going to kick it up a notch. Let’s see how you do now. Truth be told, most days I have not felt horrible until this week. Yes, the third week of my cycle was a challenge but I could handle it knowing that if I hung in there for four days, I would be feeling pretty good again. Well, I am wondering if I do not have the stamina to carry on like this for 11 more weeks. The pain in my gut is annoying. The fatigue is relentless. Yet, something inside of me is not totally surrendering so I am guessing that Hope is digging in.

In terms of still believing God.has.this, I am still there. On Wednesday night, despite feeling horrible, I spoke to the current group of retreatants on First Week of the 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises. I shared my thoughts on how God loves us as the beloved sinner. We do not need to do anything to earn that love. God already has loved and redeemed us. I did not discuss my health issue but this cancer diagnosis does not mean that I am more or less loved by God. The visitation of the suffering is not a punishment or a reward as some camps may think. All I know is that God.is.with.me. I can tell in the moments of hard consolation when I still find myself dancing in the kitchen to a song that has just come on Christian radio and when I lift my voice to sing along to the dance moves. Despite the suffering, there is the joy and calm found in my Saviour’s arms.

On Thursday evening, thanks to the kindness of another director, some of us went to one of the fancy Catholic fundraising dinners in town. I often support this one because it is for a good cause. The event sells out within hours and I had to let the opportunity pass by as I could not predict how I would be feeling. God clearly wanted me there for several reasons. First of all, I had not eaten much in the proceeding 48 hours and I gobbled down my food as if I was starving. Everything was delicious. Secondly, I laughed lots which is always good for my soul, and forgot for long periods that I was not feeling great.

Third, my childhood neighbour is the chair of the board of the organization that benefits from the evening. She had not known I was sick and when we caught up for a few moments, she grabbed my hand tightly and she was adamant I was going to be well. You say, I am well. When you say that you are saying God’s name–I AM. You are calling on God each time you say those words. Then she softened and said, Don’t you wish we were back playing barbies again some days? With tears in my eyes, I nodded. Life seemed somewhat less overwhelming back then indeed.

Lastly, the stories from the evening captured my attention. From those who sang grace to the neighbours who shared some of their stories of arriving at House of Peace, my mind wandered the earth, remembering people I had met or known from far away countries….and I found myself counting my blessings once again at the amazing opportunities I have had in life. I spoke to the Rwandan woman afterwards, explaining that I had a Rwandan goddaughter in Nairobi that I have yet to meet. She was so excited to know that. When the keynote speaker got us to share her story, it did not take long for the room to become silent.

A woman who lost both her legs from the knee down, Carolyn Lindner has incredible strength and courage. As she explained how she shocked doctors and others with her recovery from an illness that threatened her life, this special education teacher who was used to encouraging students to overcome adversity now had to focus her energies on herself. Coming out of a coma, she had to learn to breathe on her own, decide to have a surgery to remove her legs below her knees, walk on prosthetic legs, eat solid food, and speak again. Through positive self-talk and visualization, she pulled on the skills she had to not let the disease get the best of her. Clearly, as she stood before a room with 800 people in the audience, she had overcome adversity and was now teaching those of us present that we could do it too. This was exactly what I needed to hear–someone who defined their illness instead of someone who let their illness define them. She was determined to thrive, not just survive.

I sense that could be my lesson here. Today was another hard day of dragging myself out of bed but I remembered that on First Saturdays my parish has healing teams after mass. As I went to one of the teams, I began to cry. I did not feel as if I was overcoming my adversity. I felt beaten up and like cancer was winning. I know that I will have to begin pulling back even more as my immune system struggles to remain well. I will have to let go of more parts of my identity. The gift I feel that was given at the dinner was that I can still make the choice to define the disease and how much control it gets. As my friends laid their hands on me, my tears fell. I know they care for me. In fact, one said during his prayer, that I was the first person to talk to him when he first came to the church 30 years ago. The other made me laugh that I was still finding the energy to minister to one of the mentally ill women at my church who, as she said, had been retelling the same stories she had told me during our last conversation. In some ways, both reminded me that I am still more than this disease and that I am overcoming adversity in small but concrete ways.

My cousin called just as I awoke from a nap this afternoon. She really is one of the people in the world that I love most. A lot of people fall in that category, I suppose, but she is family and gets me in ways that I do not have to explain. Her words helped ground me again and re-set me on the path with grace and hope. I still physically feel lousy but I am more confident that I can get through the next set of decisions and treatments. The prayers continue to rise. Out running an errand today, I checked my phone and had a message from a person on my caseload who was sending love my way. These are the little things that will help me overcome and if Satan is still listening, I want to remind him that God.has.this. I am in good hands, God’s hands.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions
Have you ever overcome adversity? How?
What can pull you out of the mire and set your feet upon solid ground again?

Prayer
Creator, you plant us
to flourish, to overcome
harshness and adversity
You give us more than we need
and love us through each
and every painful
step of the crawl back
to sanity.
How blessed are we!

Amen.

Posted in #CancerSurvivor, #Consolation, #Desolation, #prayer, Catholic, Christian, Faith, Ignatian, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Rejoice in Hope

Posted on November 4, 2015 by sstyves

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Chemo treatment Round Four started with a kick to the curb yesterday. I did not see it coming. Honestly, the whole session was off from the normal. I arrived five minutes late instead of early and then had to wait 20 minutes. As I sat in the waiting room, I watched a man with whom I presumed was his elderly mother want to abandon her to the process. I have made the decision to attend my treatment up until now alone so that I can rest in the chair and just be present. My fatigue may change that decision but I have not yet decided.

Anyway, back to the son and his mother. At some point he said he was going to leave and be back in five hours. Her face fell. She covered her eyes with one of her hands and I could tell that she was crying. I am certain that he could feel every single eye in the waiting room boring into him. He sat down and agreed to stay. Eventually I got called in and she was called a few minutes later and escorted to a bed in my sight line; the man with her exited as soon as he could. I felt a bit of sadness for both of them. Chemo is not for the weak of heart.

I sat in one of the chairs and the nurse was not one of my usual ones. She seemed a bit something–I cannot quite put words to it still–but whatever it was, I found it unhelpful. I started to wonder if I had difficult patient written on my chart. She asked me several questions and then told me that my blood counts were low. She sort of seemed surprised that I was still having chemo and then went on to say a bunch of things that were not particularly helpful to me though I have heard others talk about them. My desire to stay in the moment and not leap ahead got whacked I suppose.

As the nurse left me to get what was needed, my attention wandered over to the elderly woman. She and the nurse caring for her were laughing. She asked the nurse if anyone had ever told her that she had a gorgeous smile. I could almost see the nurse beam even though her back was towards me. What a very sweet woman, I thought.

As I was settling in and the infusion begun, the clerk brought me an envelope that I was expecting full of forms and reports. I decided to have a peek and as I read through it, I experienced an overwhelming anxiety as I turned the pages. Simply reviewing my medical process for the past 14 months horrified me. Concise and clear, there was no denying what I had survived. Among the notes, I found an error that made me wonder if anything else was incorrect. I stopped reading it but my brain was buzzing. I closed my eyes and tried to pray. I often do my morning prayer in the chair so I pulled out the missalette and found comfort in Romans 12: Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer.

I lost my patience somewhere that morning. I closed my eyes and tried breathing but instead the tears came. The nurse’s words had obviously rattled me somehow and I tried to reign in the fear and anxiety. One of the nurses that I know swung by and asked how I was doing. The tears leaked out again. I shook my head. She quietly pulled the curtain around us and let me talk. All this stuff came spewing out of my mouth. She compassionately listened and then asked a couple of questions to bring me back to more solid ground. She assured me that I was making the right decisions. She placed hope gently back in my lap.

Later that evening, I began to feel ill the way I do in Week 3 of the round. Thus it begins. Even today, I am not yet back to normal. I suspect that I will have some tough decisions with the medical team about how to carry on. I know that I must rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering and persevere in prayer. Right now, the later seems possible. That is where all of you come in. Pray with me that all three may occur and that I may cling to hope and rest when I need to. I must continue to let go of my normal life and say that in sickness I can still praise, honour and serve God. The struggle has kicked up a notch and I will not lag in zeal but I will try to be ardent in spirit to serve the Lord as it says elsewhere in Romans 12. I am holding fast to good. I have got 11 weeks left and I pray that I may know what the best thing is to do.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

When have you felt that getting up from a fall will take every ounce of energy you have?
Who has been an angel that has placed hope back in your lap when you needed it?

Prayer

Carrier of Crosses,
I feel as is I am kicked to the curb
Suddenly.
No slow progression any more
I am done with the ease into suffering
and thrust forward on this journey
crashing headfirst to the ground.
I want to rejoice in hope
but I need patience to suffer.
Help me to persevere,
Jesus.

Amen.

Posted in #BibleStories, #CancerSurvivor, #prayer, Catholic, Christian, Faith, Ignatian, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments

Departed Souls

Posted on November 2, 2015 by sstyves

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Departed souls leave fingerprints on our hearts. I was thinking today of those who are dying and who have passed away. A friend of mine is saying goodbye to her father and the heartache is huge. I am sure the rush of memories that flood over the children at this time is overwhelming. We have so much to be grateful for to those who have gone before us.

Today is always a bittersweet day. I think about my sister, my gram, dear friends, and other relatives. I appreciate our times together and know that I am the person I am because they have been part of my life. The new pastor at my church gives us homework on Sundays and he had me thinking about who has helped me significantly on my faith journey. I realized that there are too many people to pick just one. The departed souls in my life have shown me and continue to bless me with their faith. At my age, I can flip through faces in my mind’s eyes for a long time before I run out of faith heroes. They come in all ages, shapes, sizes and colours. They are male and female. They are rich and poor. They are cognitively challenged and brilliant. The spectrum is broad. I may have known them for decades–or just had a life-changing brief encounter with them.

God is funny that way. People show up on your path and they walk a few steps or a whole continent with you. All I can do is marvel at the immense wonder that these relationships have brought me. Tonight I hold each memory with open hands and an open heart. I raise my hands to the One-Who-Created-All-of-Us and surrender each soul in my palms with joy. God is so good, so very good to me. How about to you?

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Who are a few of the departed souls that you are remembering with fondness tonight?
Is your heart breaking or rejoicing at this Feast Day?

Prayer

Creator God,
You send angels to usher
the departed souls into Heaven
having left a mark on a heart
that is never the same.
How blessed are we!

Amen.

Posted in #prayer, #Saints, Catholic, Christian, Faith, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Blessed Are We

Posted on November 1, 2015 by sstyves

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The Beatitudes are good news for those weathering storms in our lives. Those who mourn will be comforted, those who are hungry will be filled, those who are meek will inherit the earth. These are pretty powerful words. Today on All Saints Day, we have many models who can attest through their lives that these mysterious words are factual.

Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven Matthew assures us at the end of the Beatitudes. Run the race with your eyes glued to the final prize and you will have all these promises. St. Francis and St. Clare did. St. Ignatius did. St. Therese did. At the end of our day, we will overcome and be welcomed into heaven with great joy by all these holy men and women who have proceeded us and shown us the way. What a wonder to be part of such a great cloud of witnesses!

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Which beatitude gives you strength for the journey?
Is there a beloved saint that you are especially grateful for modeling how to live?

Prayer

All you holy men and women,
saints of long ago,
you show me the path
to the Way of Life
and bring joy to my heart.
Teach me your ways
and let me learn from you.

Amen.

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Perfect Last Day

Posted on October 31, 2015 by sstyves

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A friend of mine sent me this link about the work that two women in Colorado had done with 50 women who had metastatic breast cancer. They later connected with Duke University to do some research. If you have an hour, that link is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lwg9axoVsFA When I had watched that, I noticed this link in the sidebar and took a look: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usME_edAW6Y

Somehow on Hallowe’en afternoon it is fitting to ask these two questions that the second videotape examines: What would be your perfect last day? What is your greatest fear? The next couple of days we honour those who have gone before us. Let’s spend some time thinking about death.

I am going to tackle the second question first. When I was not sure if I would survive the surgery last May, I had to look hard at the question about death. I had no promises by my surgeon that I would pull through. He stopped short of telling me to get my affairs in order and I knew the weight of the decision when I signed the release forms. What was my greatest fear then? It remains I think my downfall now.

I have lived this amazing life. I have not waited for a prince to come and whisk me away to fulfill my dreams. I have traveled far and wide, experiencing culture, beauty, kindness, joy, and love in mind-boggling ways. I have seen the extremes of life–poverty and riches. I have been exposed to learning and wisdom. My life-list is being checked off so that I never needed a bucket list. My relationships are meaningful and stunningly satisfying. I have had everything I have needed almost always, and especially now. I can pretty much say with tremendous confidence that I am not afraid that I have missed my life.

I have served from an early age. My missionary’s heart is one that constantly longs to be of use for the greater good. I have built homes in Guatemala, taught about grief in the Great Lakes Region of Africa, settled refugees into their new homes, sat with inmates here at the federal penitentiary, advocated with the Deaf Community regarding human rights issues, and so much more. I will keep chipping away at social justice issues until I die, I suspect. The Ignatian deathbed contemplation teaches us to live aware of our choices. I may not have gotten my purpose right but the path I have walked is enough; in fact, it is more than enough. I am not afraid that I have missed the boat here.

Even though I have not married or had children, I do believe that I loved well. I have relationships that span decades and are solid. Prior to my surgery, I bought some friends an anchor for their new boat. The symbolism for me was profound. They have been anchors in my life–their loyalty has never drifted and when I have needed a safe place to hunker down they have been there. I am blessed with many friendships that fall into this category. My greatest fear is not that I have not loved enough or been loved.

My greatest fear is based on the opposite actually. I am afraid that dying will break many hearts. As the poster girl for grief and having done a number of training seminars on bereavement, I know how painful loss is. I cannot change that no matter what I do. Heartbreak is the cost of love. All the trite answers that I have gone to a better place or I am no longer suffering, will not remove the gaping wound that the survivor feels. That is the simple reality of grief.

Sometimes we are blessed from a message from the other side and we do experience a calmness but still the daily absence, at least initially, can be challenging. My friend Rob died on what was supposed to have been my watch. Three of us were going to be with him for the evening but a family member called to cancel. He died within hours. I have wondered if he knew we were supposed to come over and sit with him. We would have all been there if so–his beloved family and his closest friends. We did join the family afterwards, praying and singing around the body. The next day as we were cleaning and restoring the home to a sense of normalcy, I glanced out the window and saw a beautiful hawk land on the back fence. Stopped in my tracks, it took me a moment to find my voice to call out to the others. We had been paddling partners and the outdoors was a great love of Rob’s. I am sure his spirit had swung by to tell us he was free and flying onward.

This brings me to the first question of what would be the perfect last day. I know that I have not saved many words for the end. I have tried to express my gratitude for acts of loving kindness. I have asked forgiveness where necessary. I have tried not to harbour ill will. I do not envision myself sitting on a beach or in the mountains on my last day; I am too realistic for that. When I contemplated today what that perfect last day would look like–whenever it arrives–I saw myself surrounded by family and friends. I would want those that I love the most to be present with me as I slip into the next world. I would want singing and praying. I would want peaceful silence and loud laughter. I envision the Eucharist present. I hope that as painful as it might be that joy would infuse the room anyway. There is no place I would rather be than Home but I am in no particular hurry to head there now. When that time does come though, I imagine that the line up to greet me will be spectacular. In my grandmother’s final hours, she flung open her arms to embrace visions that only she could see. I long to do the same–Gram, Corrinne, Rob, Fr. Brian, Louise, Ginny, Sts. Francis and Clare, St. Ignatius, and so many more await me. Mostly though, I desire to see my Beloved Saviour face-to-face and be welcomed into Eternal Rest. That will be the perfect last day.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions:
What is your perfect last day?
What is your greatest fear about dying?

Prayer

On that glorious day,
Jesus, I will see you
face to face and
stand in your loving embrace.
That will be enough for me.

Amen.

Posted in #CancerSurvivor, #Consolation, #prayer, Catholic, Christian, Faith, Ignatian, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Beloved Sinner

Posted on October 30, 2015 by sstyves

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We all have darkness in us. Shadows live with the light.I am preparing to give a talk on First Week for the 19th Annotation on being a loved sinner. God is the Creator and we are the creatures. I have had a lot of thoughts rumbling around my head as I begin to write the final presentation.

I have been remembering Fr. Greg Boyle’s comment that no one joins a gang to belong; they join because they are fleeing something. So often we are not aware of what causes us to sin, of what are motivations are, of the fears that drive us, and of the shadows that are within us. If we do not dig around and uncover this mystery, then sin has the upper hand. Satan can deceive you into thinking the good you do is from God when really you are joining a gang to belong.

One of the lessons I am learning from my illness is that I am somewhat indispensable. The fact that the world goes on without me on many levels proves that. Sometimes events happen and they are all the better in my absence; sometimes the opposite is true. I also realize that I still have much goodness to share with the world and even today a few events while I was out of the house proved that. I find that I am experiencing humility in a good way. Life is not all about me and today I had time to just soak in four unexpected encounters with people.

Our egos are fragile and we can do things because we want to be applauded or loved or happy. These days I am aware of a gratitude that springs up instead. Precious moments shared are what are at the centre of time right now. This type of relating is different, subtly. I am not in a hurry. Encounters do not feel stressed. A peacefulness pervades for the most part. Today, after mass, one of the women in my parish who has a mental illness came up to me to report on a number of things and as I saw people moving away from us, I decided I would give her my full attention for some time before my energy levels waned. I could practice a moment of compassion while at the same time drawing healthy lines around my needs. The conversation was not a burden.

We are all beloved sinners that the Creator longs to be whole and freed from the sin that binds us. A little bit of exploration will uncover our personal sin habits and allow us to move with more grace in order to bring to the world the Love that is so necessary. We are all called to praise, reverence and serve the Creator as the creature. We can only do that well if we begin to examine our lives honestly.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What is your personal sin that prevents you from running the race freely?
Have you noticed a difference in your life when you become aware of how sin rules your actions?

Prayer

The shadow side nestles down
undisturbed if we let it.
We must be diligent to uproot it,
to till the soil of our lives,
to harvest the good fruit within.
Creator, teach this creature
to dig and uncover the darkness within
so the Light can transform me.

Amen.

Posted in #CancerSurvivor, #prayer, Catholic, Christian, Faith, Ignatian, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

More Than Conquerors

Posted on October 29, 2015 by sstyves

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We are more than conquerors through Christ who loves us, Romans 8 tells us today. Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ. We will experience hardship, distress, persecution, famine, and peril and still we will conquer and be victors.

The love of God through Christ Jesus endures and wins every time. Every time. Every.single.time. Nothing gets in the way. Dark powers try. We end up in a pit. We crawl out with the help of loved ones and faith. We grieve but find hope again. We are knocked down and rise again. Love wins. Hope persists. God has your need safely in good hands.

When I think about my journey these past 10 months, I know that fear could have knocked me off my centre. Demons could have had a heyday tormenting me. Pain could have swallowed me up. I clung to God. Jesus who suffered and knows our fate intimately rose again. So can we. Every single time. Believe it.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Do you believe that nothing will separate you from the love of Christ?
How can you be more than a conqueror in your current struggle?

Prayer

The love of God through Jesus
wins every single time.
Nothing can separate us from
this immense and beautiful love.
God, draw us close to you
and let us know your abiding love.

Amen.

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Perfect Purpose

Posted on October 28, 2015 by sstyves

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The thing about cancer is when you hear that word used as something inside of you, your brain slows down as if processing at a very slow rate. The feeling is an odd one. We see it on television shows all the time and we secretly hope that the moment never happens to us. When I was first told about the tumours, my family doctor said they appeared to be benign. I breathed a sigh of relief even though I could tell she was still stressed about something. She immediately did a complete physical on me. When we met again after the results of a CT scan, the news had changed. The diagnosis did seem to now lean towards cancer. The liver specialist was even more adamant that the diagnosis was malignant.

I have been blessed as I have said many times that I have never felt alone in the process. I have had lots of folks clamouring and rallying around me from the beginning, including my lovely family doctor who was new to me. A few late nights when I cannot sleep or the odd day when I feel overly fatigued, I have wished for a person to be present, but I have always known that I could call a select few friends who have volunteered day or night to be there for me. I have not had to cash that card in thus far.

Today I was invited to the Never Alone fundraiser luncheon where Milt Stegall spoke. You can find out more about the Never Alone Foundation here – http://www.neveralonefoundation.ca/ Milt, a former Blue Bomber, spoke mostly of service. The legacy of our lives is to serve–which is, of course, the Principle and Foundation of the Spiritual Exercises. We are created to praise, reverence and serve God. When all is said and done have you spent your life for the greater good? Milt used many quotes during his 15-minute speech but two interested me.

Don’t talk about it, be about it. Our good deeds are not meant to be talked about. The right hand and left should not know what the other does. Scatter goodness and kindness everywhere and then do not look to see where the seeds blow. Just be about being good and kind. No thanks are necessary for the most part. The other meaning is that we can waste a lot of energy in the talk but never get to the walk. Spend less time dreaming and talking about the plans you have for creating a life of service and just get to it. Be about it. Be kindness. Be goodness. Spread it wherever you go.

Secondly, Milt said, Every day is not perfect, but every day has a purpose. God does not need us to be perfect to serve. Find your purpose in life and be about it. I agree that service would be the driving force of any life–the perfect purpose of a live well executed. You can serve your children, your spouse, your community, your church folks, and complete strangers. I am reminded of Martin Luther King Jr’s thoughts on service:

Everybody can be great…because anybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love.

Perfection is not needed, but rather a heart and soul generated by love. We do not know how many days we will be on this earth. If we did, maybe we might make different choices. Milt thought so. I would not wait to scatter the good seeds and to plant legacies of joy, hope and peace. Your time on earth should be used to create a beautiful life, clothed in humility and joy, built on a foundation of service. No one should feel alone, either with a cancer diagnosis or in any other form of stress. If you can reach out to a person and let them know that life is amazing and so worth living well, then do so. Make a difference to someone and change the world one person at a time.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Have you ever felt alone when facing a difficult situation?
What acts of service bring life to you?

Prayer

We are never alone
because you are always there,
always.
You have been here before
ahead of us, preparing;
You will be here with us,
comforting and protecting;
You will be here after us
cleansing, purifying and acknowledging.
Ever Present God, thank you.

Amen.

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