Sleep in Peace

Posted on April 19, 2015 by sstyves

066

Psalm 4 today reassures us that we can both lie down and sleep in peace, for God alone makes us lie down in safety. I know many people worry I might not be sleeping but I do sleep well and partially because this statement rings true to me. God alone knows what rumbles inside this brain and heart of mine. God also knows what troubles my spirit. God as well knows what quiets me. I have said many times God has this and I am grateful for the sleep and rest I get.

Let the light of your face shine on us, O Lord is the refrain. May I be a reflection of your light, Lord.

Off to bed and to sleep.

Peace,

Suzanne

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Walking on the Sea

Posted on April 18, 2015 by sstyves

602086_10151580539692743_1732351051_n

Today’s Gospel of John begins with Jesus withdrawing to the mountain by himself after feeding thousands. The disciples head out on the water and after dark, there is a storm. They spot Jesus walking on the sea and are terrified. Jesus reassures them it is not some ghost, but it is he. Miraculously, once he gets in the boat, they reach land immediately.

I am finding a similar pattern in my life. Do something once per day. This week I chaired a sub-committee meeting for a board I sit on. It felt awesome to be doing a task I love and that seemed so utterly normal. I came home exhilarated but I had to take a nap. I withdrew to a quiet place. I seek silence and prayer often on this journey. Then I find I have energy again and can do more activities. It is kind of a miracle really–not quite like walking on the sea but worthy of applause. I push past the fears and call to others in the process: Do not be afraid. Somehow before I even know it, day is done and I have reached where I am going.

Peace,

Suzanne

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Wait for the Lord

Posted on April 17, 2015 by sstyves

St.Ben.7
Sitting and waiting is not something most of us do well. A surgery date was supposed to be relayed to me by today and then I was going to let folks know an update. I know many of the people in my life find this process is going on too long. I maintain that because I am in God’s hands, I am in good hands. Today’s psalm was once again Psalm 27 that ends with the words Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage: wait for the Lord! Wait with me in peace and courage.

The Gospel reading today is from John and tells the story of the feeding of the thousands. A nameless boy–an instrument of God’s abundance–has five barley loaves and two fish. Andrew offers this doubtfully. Jesus simply responds with a Make the people sit down. He gives thanks and suddenly everyone has as much as they need with a bounty of blessings left over. Not one scrap is lost.

This is the God I believe in. I place my trust in God and in gratitude for what is possible through my faith.

I will take what I am given and believe it will be more than enough.

Peace,

Suzanne

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

To the Rescue!

Posted on April 16, 2015 by sstyves

St.Ben.5
Love is this double-edged sword. It heals and inspires us and yet wounds and frightens us. Grief is love’s antonym. When we love, we risk loss. For the longest while after my sister died, I felt like I was the poster child for grief, for loving too much and needing to let go too soon. That year I lost 13 people in 13 months and had odd events happen. Job and I could have well had interesting conversations.

Since my sister’s death, I have had to say goodbye to many people. I have sat at bedsides waiting. I have had the privilege of praying and singing around the body of a dear friend as his soul floated free. I have witnessed the liberation that comes when one knows one is soon heading Home. I have held the sorrow, fear and anger as one of those left in the void. I am not an expert in grief but I have had a generous helping of it.

Thus, without saying, being on the potential side of leaving creates great stress for me. I want to throw on my superhero cape and protect everyone from any possible pain. Suzanne to the rescue! These past few months have been an interior journey of healing, of letting go of control, of letting people in, and of drawing boundaries differently. I have played the role of rescuer all my life and it was time to stop. This has not come easily to this loving heart of mine but as the retreat leader reminded us this past weekend, the commandment is to love your neighbour as yourself–to love others as much as you love yourself. One of the tasks on retreat was to write a letter to Jesus about a struggle. Mine dealt with this superhuman desire to stamp out fear and hurt in those supporting me. It is an exhausting superpower.

My letter went something like this:

Dear Jesus,

I have been struggling with protecting people regarding my illness. I want to find the balance of being honest and being discreet, of talking too much about this sickness and living beyond it, of saying no to other people’s needs and yes to mine, of knowing that I could possibly be dying and still dearly loving my amazing life, and of hoping to stay and wanting to go. So many contradictions are out of my control. My kryptonite, as Brene Brown talks about, is this beautiful heart of love and compassion. All of our strengths taken too far or used for the wrong purposes can work against us, says Brown. Will you please show me how to do this better?

Love,

Suzanne

The next activity was to write a response:

My dear Suzanne,

I.have.this. I have you. I have them. Let me work miracles through this, through you, through them. Wait. Breathe. I know you are tired and worried. Give the journey to me. You are still my servant. Put down your superhero cape and let me wrap my cloak of protection around you. You are yoked to me. Your beautiful heart needs to rest and to receive. My angels will minister to you and to them. I have placed my mantle of peace over you. Accept it with joy. I love you. You are mine and so are they. Be at peace.

Your Beloved

The cape is still in sight–within arm’s reach many days–even if I have taken it off. Old patterns are not easy to break. I must now do the work of living under the cloak instead of the cape. Surgery is being slated and now the hardest work of trusting begins. Let’s do this together under the mantle of the Master.

Peace,

Suzanne

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 4 Comments

Generous Giving

Posted on April 14, 2015 by sstyves

St.Ben.4
I direct the 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises and we are entering Week Four and the Contemplations on the Love of God. This is the week where we begin to say the Take and Receive Prayer of St. Ignatius of Loyola. It is a scary prayer because if we truly understand it, we know we are emptying ourselves of everything that has been given to us and are returning it. We place ourselves wholly in a loving God’s hands and surrender everything, including our very lives.

Take, Lord, and receive
all my liberty,
my memory, my understanding
and my entire will,
all that I have and possess.
You have given all to me;
to you, O Lord, I return it
All is yours, dispose of it wholly
according to your will.
Give me your love and your grace
for this is sufficient for me.

In today’s first reading from Acts, we see disciples who have given us example of this–a community of those who believed, were united in heart and soul, who shared everything in common. No one was in need. This early church community understood that everything we receive is gift and we are asked to share generously.

On this wild journey that I am on, I find myself more in God’s good hands than any other time in my life though God knows I have been here before. Perhaps it is because this is not the first trial I have undergone that I already know that God’s love and grace are sufficient for me and for you. Our lives have never been ours; they are simply loaned to us. The best way that I know to live out the Take and Receive prayer is to serve lovingly and with open hands.

On retreat this weekend, one of the exercises was to imagine what you would do if you had one year left to live. I have responded to this question before with colleagues and friends over the years and thought I knew how I would respond. This time however I had a reality check. My energy levels are not quite what they normally are and so that changes some of the list. Since I might be forced to do less active work, I would continue to pray for world events, even if I were leaving this world. Today, for example, on my heart, are the girls stolen by Boko Haram one year ago, and their families who are still heart broken and outraged at this crime.

I have always believed that we cannot give enough. God is the Generous Giver and I am made in that likeness. If I can maintain a freedom around my giving, then I should not ever feel that my giving is out of proportion. These days I am on the other end of giving. I am receiving from generous hearts around the world and I am trying hard to be gracious about it. This proud, independent, and somewhat stubborn woman is learning to say yes, thank you more easily and more often. I have always had extraordinarily kind friends who have guided me on the way of gifting. Their love and grace combined with that of the Great Giver will get me through these weeks and months ahead of me. As with that early Christian community, no one will be in need if we stick together.

Peace,

Suzanne

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Blessed Amidst Brokenness

Posted on April 13, 2015 by sstyves

St.Ben.cross

I went for a walk early Saturday evening at the retreat centre I was at and saw this broken tree. I raised my camera and that was when I saw the cross before me. I lowered the lens and looked at this natural gift of resurrection from the broken. This was what was going on for me in this retreat with Fr. Matt Linn, SJ, talking healing.

The content turned out to be different than I imagined and focused on being grateful as a way of of healing. He talked about a study that showed that the least positive people have a higher incidence of Alzheimer’s disease while the most grateful are still active and sharp-minded. Another large study conducted by Harvard, Linn said, since 1939 until the present showed that the biggest factors of being healthy and happy are first gratitude and then forgiveness.

He said that we change through love and the key to love is gratitude. A study in Stanford showed that when two groups who suffered from chronic pain could not sleep, the one that was told to list nightly the two to five things for which they were grateful, slept faster and deeper and woke up refreshed. They also needed no to less medications for their pain. Linn said that the hardest thing to believe is that you can be blessed when everything around you is broken. I am learning that lately on a deeper level.

I have maybe had three nights since January of not sleeping well at night. Even with everything that has happened and is still unknown I feel blessed. So many people tell me I look great and those who are praying say they have a good feeling about what will happen. Most days I have a deep calm about what is to come. I am not sure why. A lot of suffering will be in store. I might change my mind at some point, but currently I return to St. Catherine Laboure’s words: The protection of God is always there. In terms of Ignatian Spirituality, the Principle and Foundation comes to mind. We are born to praise, honour and serve God, in sickness and in health. May my heart become even more grateful for all that is mine right now, even amidst the brokenness.

Peace,

Suzanne

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Divine Doubt

Posted on April 12, 2015 by sstyves

IMG_9516
Today is Divine Mercy Sunday and the Gospel reading is Doubting Thomas. At last night’s liturgy on retreat, the presider asked that we change shoes with someone to get a sense of the old saying “Walk a mile in my moccasins.” It is so easy to judge people…like poor Thomas. Others did not believe but he is the one that gains the title of Doubter. Let’s walk in Thomas’ sandals for a bit.

The remaining apostles did not believe the women or the folks on the road to Emmaus. Somehow in this story, now that they have witnessed the Risen One, they have forgotten their original disbelief. Thomas has always resonated with me for various reasons but today I have been thinking that he was incredibly clear about what he needed to believe: Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe. What does Christ say when he greets Thomas: Put your finger here and see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it in my side. Do not doubt but believe. He gives Thomas exactly what he asks for–or at least the opportunity for it. John does not tell us that Thomas does this. Instead John gives Thomas the words we say at every mass as we look upon the body of Christ: My Lord and my God! The doubter’s words have become divine.

At the mass I wore a shoe that made me feel uncomfortable. It was a slightly smaller size than my own and so I held the two people that I have judged in my heart throughout the mass aware of how I cramp their style. At the raising up of the Eucharist, when normally we respond with a silent, My Lord and My God!, I placed them both in the wounds of Christ and released them. I pray that I may have more mercy in my future dealings with them.

I hobbled to receive the Eucharist, and realized that my lack of mercy burdens me and keeps me from walking a straight path. The words we say can come back to haunt us. Thomas somehow holds a negative connotation for most Christians when really we should honour the words of praise that he has given us. May we find mercy today to speak words of kindness and compassion.

Peace,

Suzanne

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

At the Lion’s Door

Posted on April 10, 2015 by sstyves

150
Walking through doors that lead to tough conversations is not an easy decision. I wrote before about a nurse who was not helpful to me during one of my procedures. I was back at the hospital today for some scans and came prepared with some treats for the compassionate care givers who worked with me that day. I also had a card for that nurse.

As I dropped off a package for the team who cared for me overnight, I saw her at the desk. I gave her the card and she started to thank me. I interrupted, “It’s not that kind of card.” She invited me into the office to talk to her about what had happened. She gets full credit for being open to hearing what I had to say and for her apology. I think she was quite shocked by what I had to say and after trying to defend herself, she found the right stance. I mentioned that I am sure she is more than who she was to me that day. We all have our bad days and nurses are overworked. Patients are stressed. It can be a bad combination.

What I wanted her to know though was that patient needs should come first and that her needs overrode mine that day. She heard me. I believe she won’t treat other patients in similar ways. That was all I needed to see. I am glad I walked into the arena, as Brene Brown says, and had my say about compassion. I think this nurse learned a valuable lesson today. I also learned one about standing up for myself.

What holds you back from hard conversations?

Peace,

Suzanne

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Now I Lay Me Down

Posted on April 8, 2015 by sstyves

569
Sleep is underrated, my friend just told me in an email. I had written her to say I had not slept well last night, waking up twice due to a massive headache. I had gone to bed quite early because I had had a super busy day and was tired, but I lay awake for a long while before drifting off. This is not my usual pattern. I sleep solidly most nights.

The first time I woke up, I wondered why my head felt like it was in a vise grip. I managed to fall back asleep after a short time. The next time I could feel worry knocking at my door, tormenting me. Psst, it is a blood clot. Poke, go to the hospital. You better do something because this could be serious. I could only toss and turn. What can I safely take for this headache? How come I do not know the answer to that question? Should I call one of the people who has offered to be there if I need someone in the middle of the night? Why does my head hurt this much? What kind of headache is this? Am I going to die?

Ok, deep breath. These questions are not from God. Pray, do not fret.

St. Michael, enfold me in your wings and protect me against all danger.
St. Rafael, heal me and restore me to health.
St. Gabriel, bring good news.

Breathe.

Sleep. I awake five hours later and the headache is gone. The fears have vanished too. The night is not always my friend when I cannot sleep. The hungry hounds of fear that cannot get in during the light of day, chomp their jaws and gnash their teeth in the darkness. If I can find my centre again quickly enough, no damage is done.

I sometimes am disappointed that I do not always go to the place of prayer immediately at moments like this. Today as I sat before the Blessed Sacrament I felt such peace. For a brief period, I was no longer here but somewhere beyond lovely and serene. I was resting and could barely open my eyes to return to this time and place. I was here and yet not. If I can learn the secret of going there as my default, I will have gained a treasure more magnificent than anything.

Peace,

Suzanne

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Emmaus Amazement

Posted on April 5, 2015 by sstyves

747

A couple of decades ago, I made my first trip to Africa, to visit my cousin who was teaching in Kenya. I would be there over the Easter weekend. I have such fond memories of flying kites on Easter–a sure sign of resurrection as they danced in the wind atop of the hill. What I did not ever figure out until tonight as I walked from my car to my church was the crazy sermon that was preached that Sunday morning. We were in a small village east of Nairobi, the only two white folks in the crammed church and the rather evangelical pastor was preaching on how evil spirits prowl around, seeking ways to get into a good man’s house. He was miming out the event, trying to get in through invisible windows, wildly pacing at the front of the church. Stepping over imaginary objects, he created a huge visual drama about how Evil does not give up. I sat there puzzled wanting to hear the old familiar stories of Easter.

Tonight though, my mind was on those two disciples who were walking those eleven kilometres to Emmaus from Jerusalem. I noticed how Evil was already harassing these two followers in their despair though their house was fairly secure. Jesus begins to explain it all to them, and in the breaking of the bread, their eyes are open. Love breaks through their sorrow and their spiritual homes are once again protected.

In my many years of doing bereavement ministry, I know that grief can turn people away from God. The followers of Christ did not know what was coming. We see that in the Gospel reading from the morning with Mary and the men running to and from the tomb. A frenzied panic comes over all of them until Jesus grounds Mary by calling her by her name. We will see it with Thomas who hides away from the others, and into whose heart crept doubt. Grief can be a negative turning point for people. Instead of turning towards God, they turn away.

A friend of mine reminded me tonight that Christ, in his dying breath, gave his dear mother to his beloved friend and vice versa. They did not have to bear the weight of their sorrow alone. Together they could build a solid house, protected against the Evil that tries to shatter faith at moments like this.

Our hearts can burn within us if we too discover that Christ gives us one another for the most challenging of times. Christ is risen and hope lives! Secure your doors and windows with the Word who dwelt amongst us.

May the joy and hope of the Risen Christ be yours today and always.

Peace,

Suzanne

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , | 2 Comments