I’m Alive

Posted on May 14, 2015 by sstyves

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The last word before I slipped into la-la land that left my mind was Yahweh, a total word, a perfect word, a word that I surrrendered to completely as the anaesthesia took hold of me. Hours later in recovery, the din pulled me back. I could hear my name and saw medical staff and bright lights.  I am alive!  Emotion washed over me but there was no time to give in to it. Yes, I responded to my name and began to answer the questions. Surgery was over.  It had gone well.  My vitals struggled a bit to stabilize. A couple of hours passed. Some man came over to tell me he was taking me up to the ward. No, I argued, you can’t yet. Ask the nurse. Stubborn and bossy even when I am drugged to the max! The nurse shooed him away.

I could sense the frustration as to why my blood pressure was not stabilizing. Everything seemed ok otherwise. One nurse said I’ll be right back, returning with a glove filled with ice. She explained that she was going to touch my shoulder and I should feel cold. Then she would touch the area around my incision and I should feel nothing. She touched my shoulder. Cold. She touched my abdomen. Cold. She touched another place on my abdomen. Cold. Let’s start again, she suggested, thinking I was confused. The fourth touch was numb. When she realized I could feel much more than I was supposed to adjustments were made, my vitals completely stabilized and a friend slipped in to greet me.

The journey to wholeness and health is not a solo one. I was carried to that overwhelming moment of knowing I had survived  by hundreds of prayers, sacrifices, and kindnesses of both loved ones and complete strangers. Gratitude is somehow insufficent for me to express how important being yoked to hundreds of you has been. On this Feast Day of St. Matthias, I humbly say thank you to those who have brought me thus far. You are good apostles. You brought me to the Lord in moments when my own strength failed me. You begged the Great Physician for healing. I know some tears were wept that I might not survive the surgery. I promise to hold your needs in prayers as I recover, as I have done as much as possible until now. I am not yet out of the woods but the recovery is remarkable in medical terms and miraculous in spiritual worlds.

The next few weeks are crucial to continued good health.  This has been a major trauma to my body. The surgeon was very pleased when he came to see me the next day.  I had been up walking already, slow and steady. I thanked him for his work and he interjected that I was doing remarkable. You did your part, I insisted, now it’s time for me to do mine. He smiled back at me and nodded, I’m going to hold you to that. 

There are many pitfalls that can occur in the next several weeks. I need to continue to learn how to rest and to put myself first before others. These are not easy lessons for me. I have lots to share about my experiences since I have last posted. I still choose to live in the moment and leave the rest nailed to the cross until I need to go there.

It may be a month before I know my diagnosis and prognosis. I am very good with that as it will be at least that before I feel somewhat normal again. Please wait patiently with me as the pathology reports are gathered. God will reveal in the appropriate moment what has gone on and what is to come. Be good a Matthias and minister without excessive curiosity and worry. God.still.has.this.  I still believe that. For those good Matthiases who have, with my permission, been sharing my updates, I thank you for reaching out to those who have waited for word. God bless you for you faithfulness to me and to those who mean the world to me.

I am alive.  I am so very grateful for and blessed by all of you who brought me this far, not the least of all my Beloved, the Great Physician.  To God be the Glory!

Peace,

Suzanne

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Lessons Thus Far

Posted on May 4, 2015 by sstyves

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Perhaps posting a Christmas picture in May seems odd but the sentiments of the word hope are on my heart tonight. I am reflecting on what I have learned these past few months, during the medical tests and illness. I share this humbly with you. These are just some of the lessons.

1. Trust God. That old saying of don’t put all your eggs in one basket does not apply here. I have trusted God in each step and would not have it any other way.

2. Relationships rock. I am so grateful for the healthy, mutual relationships I have in my life. Everything I have needed, I have received, sometimes in wonderful and glorious ways.

3. Live in the moment. Scripture says not to worry about tomorrow. The present moment is what has kept me sane these months. I have not leapt into the future often but deliberately chose to compartmentalize each step in the process.

4. Maintain a positive attitude and others will go to that space too.

5. Be grateful. All the time. There is always something to be thankful for. Remember to say thank you when acts of kindness have been bestowed upon you.

6. Know who your friends are and love them back.

7. Do not let fear get in the way of love or life.

8. Let others carry you, even when you can do it yourself.

9. Pray always and if you cannot, get others to pray for you.

10. Hang on to hope. Hope will carry you through some rough patches.

I will be offline for a length of time. Your prayers and love are so appreciated. I am grateful for all that those who accompany me have given to me.

Peace,

Suzanne

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Bearing Lovely Fruit

Posted on May 3, 2015 by sstyves

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The signs of spring are all around me and bursting with new life. I am feeling the positive energy of the earth itself as it reawakens with hope and joy. Soon Mother Nature will be bearing such lovely fruit. Today at my parents’ the discussion revolved around the garden as we spread some peat moss on it to prepare it to bear fruit.

John’s Gospel is about the Vine and bearing fruit today. The Second Reading commands us to love, not only in word but also in deed. When we bear fruit we are loving into life. We are doing more than just talking. We are acting and creating life. Today was the 100th Anniversary of the Archdiocese I belong to. Fifteen thousand people gathered at the arena at noon to profess our faith and renew our baptismal vows as hundreds of young people were confirmed. It was truly amazing!

The Spirit blew through that crowd on several occasions. The first was when the sound of the drumming group filled the place–the drum always makes me teary. I think because it touches something very primal within as my heartbeat synchronizes with it. Then sweetgrass filled the air as we smudged and purified both place and people. I breathed it in and out, cupping my hands to welcome it into my body. I am now ready for Tuesday. After that the confirmands were all anointed and that was the icing on the cake. Watching some of the faces of the youth as they received the oil was breathtaking. Some erupted in utter joy. Some were more serious. The odd one seemed to wonder what it all meant and how this sacrament would impact their lives. Fruit will be born. I have no doubt of that.

Of course I sat with a family I know and felt surrounded by love a number of times. In this life we are called to relationships whether one or many. We are not meant to live alone. More and more, I realize how much fruit I have munched on, how the Vine connects all of us, and how I bear fruit too. The Vine is always full in my life and I am incredibly grateful for that. My brother is visiting and happened to mention some observations about my life that resonated with me. I am so very blessed.

What are you doing in your life to spread love, to bear lovely fruit, and to feel the Spirit swoop through your day?

Peace,

Suzanne

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A Beautiful Life

Posted on May 2, 2015 by sstyves

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All around me are the signs of new life. Today in a quiet moment I pondered what the morning of surgery will hold for me. In prayer I went to the day and saw me on the stretcher, ready to be wheeled to the operating room. Then I wondered what I will do when I am faced with the reality of whether I will open my eyes again after surgery. I did not see that coming. Instantly, an immense feeling of gratitude for all that has been washed over me. Tears streamed down my face. These were not tears of fear but of joy.

I remain hopeful that all shall be very well for me. I still sometimes get overwhelmed by how much stress my illness is causing loved ones. I also find myself reflecting on all the amazing opportunities I have had in life. My one beautiful life has such a stunning graced history. Now I find myself in the hands of God and it seems like such a comfortable place to be. I am teary on occasion. The journey does require courage and grace. As with this morning’s revelation, not all the tears are of sadness or fear. I think that I am keeping it real. I cannot tell even myself everything I am feeling right now but emotions are definitely heightened.

I feel a need to tell people how much I love them and how much they have made an immense difference in my life. I want people to see the world through my eyes some days–how the freshly green leaves that are sprouting are spectacular. This new life of spring–this resurrected Christ–are bursting with Hope and Joy. We are so blessed. I want to soak every minute of it up and say thank you to the Creator.

On the flip side, I am beginning to tire more and need naps as I try to finish tasks. The important items will all get done. My house will not be cleaned. My taxes must wait. Not everyone who wanted to see me will. Every phone call and email will not be returned. I will not be able to contact all the folks that I wanted to prior to surgery. In this season of spring, there is still much letting go to do so that abundant life can unfold.

My life has been well spent and I hope to have many decades still to continue enjoying the gifts given and to share and serve. Spring holds much hope and so do I.

Peace,

Suzanne

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Relationship Blessings

Posted on April 28, 2015 by sstyves

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Relationships are key to life for most of us. Today I have been considering more of mine. I started my day at the physiotherapist office. I had not visited him in over a year and so he knew nothing of my news. He and I have been through a lot together and we have a professional relationship of much mutual respect. He came in and leaned against the wall as he usually does, striking up easily a conversation, but I could not answer his question honestly immediately. How was I to catch him up on my life?

I skirted around the direct answer by telling him I was there because I had been in pain for a few days and explained why. I could see his brain whirling. He was not used to me fudging answers. I knew I could not tell him the truth without crying yet I went for it anyway. I managed to hold it somewhat together but the tears did well up in my eyes. I hate telling people who care about me that I am so sick as it is such a shock because I present so well. His compassionate response: May I give you a hug?

As he worked on my pinched nerve, he did what he always does–affirm me and ask me probing questions that help me figure things out. He is really fabulous on so many levels. I am better not only physically but emotionally too. I cannot stress enough how blessed I am to have a great team around me during this time.

I later met a colleague for lunch, someone for whom I have great respect. He has been in the field for a long time. We also had solid conversations about many topics and I walked away grateful for his insights, support and affirmation. Tonight, we gathered as spiritual directors and retreatants to close our journey of 30-plus weeks. This group of people has provided much comfort over the fall and winter regarding my illness. While all the retreatants do not know that I am sick, it has been wonderful to have some sense of “normalcy” in the topsy-turvy process that I have been through.

I came home at one point this afternoon to find a gift bag outside my door, with a book and a card with kind words in it. This is the fifth book I have gotten since I am sick. I look forward to reading it and the words will echo in my heart even under sedation next week. People have been amazingly generous to me.

Reaping what I have sown is a theme right now. I cannot tell you how many relationships I have been blessed with during this time. Prayers are continuing to be raised all over the world. I am humbled by the love and care. I am grateful beyond words.

Who are you grateful for this night?

Peace,

Suzanne

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Good Shepherd Sunday

Posted on April 26, 2015 by sstyves

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Good Shepherd Sunday always reminds me of my former pastor, Fr. Brian. He died on this day in 2009. He was so much more than a pastor to me. I served seven years on Pastoral Parish Council (PPC) with him. We started together and I left a year before he did. I went off to Africa and when I came back, one look in those bright blue eyes told me that the sparkle was fading. It scared me. He managed to remain about four weeks and we had a marvelous dinner together that someone dubbed the last supper.

Brian was a beloved soul and such a good shepherd. Many of us who knew him still mourn his absence. He was this rough-around-the-edges, earthy priest who turned people’s thinking upside down. He made us ponder what exactly it was we believed in. He made no secret of his earlier struggles with alcohol which probably won us over because he was real. He knew struggle. He knew redemption. He knew whose he was and encouraged us to discover that for ourselves. In fact, in one of his Good Shepherd homilies, he said that we spend so much time trying to figure out who we are that we forget the more important fact of whose we are. He preached a real God–a God caught up in the messiness of life, a God born in a dirty stable and crucified on a bloodstained cross.

Throughout our lives, people come and go. The ones that matter most leave an indelible mark on our spirits. They are our mentors, our teachers, our partners, our elders, and yes, the broken ones. These messy moments in life that Brian preached about–the conversations with the prisoners, the homeless, the widowed–these exchanges also remain forever with us. The nights we would drag ourselves to the federal prison to be a presence to the men there would morph into an amazing homily by Brian and a conversation with an inmate that would transform our own spirits. Brian remarked on this during his homilies the next night at church. When we reach out, sometimes it is our own hearts that are transfigured.

The Good Shepherd is the one who knows his sheep. Brian knew many of us in this way. He listened well and was an amazing storyteller who kept his fold huddled together on every word. We all need people like this in our lives. Someone who believes in us when we cannot. When I stepped down from PPC, he told me that he did not have words enough to thank me for all that I had done in the parish. He knew he had asked a lot of me. I rarely said no to him. He made it easy to live the Fourth Week. In the Spiritual Exercises, the final week examines God’s great love for us and how it can spur us to serving God with abundance. This God who loves us and labours for us invokes within us a desire motivated by that love and goodness to respond selflessly. My retreatant is wrapping this up now and so the material is fresh on my mind. Brian taught me in human terms of how to give lavishly, as Fleming says, like a fountain spilling forth its waters into an unending stream.

In life we all have mentors and shepherds. Think about who you are grateful for in this aspect and how they have made you a more giving, loving person.

Peace,

Suzanne

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Rings of Life

Posted on April 25, 2015 by sstyves

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When they cut me open for surgery, the doctors won’t find rings like when you chop down a tree. They won’t see my life spilling out in memories or qualities either. The variations within the rings speak to when the tree has endured something like an especially cold snap and when it has thrived due to say an abundance of water. The surgeon may be able to see how well I have fed my body or how I have abused it. That won’t give him an idea of who he is really working on though.

What if our heart had labels on it for courage, generosity, vulnerability, and love? Fear, hate, anger, and jealousy would also spring up. Maybe colour-coded sections could show how each emotion has been given and received would paint a picture for a doctor to see a patient’s life. A far-fetched idea like this would shock some patients upon waking as their doctors delivered the news. Sir, your heart is 90% fear. Miss, you’re heart sparkles brightly with the gold of love. Young man, generosity keeps your heart pumping soundly.

I have been thinking and reminiscing quite a bit as I have waited for surgery and wondered how I have been so blessed by so many people. I believe that you reap what you sow and I have tried to sow good seeds. Some have fallen on good soil. Wounded healers that we are, some have fallen short of a beautiful life. Much of what I have done in life I owe to inspirational people who have coaxed me beyond my limits. A colleague and I had lunch fairly recently and she said something surprisingly odd to me. I have picked up that gem many times since. I had complimented her on who she was and she responded with something to the effect of that’s because when I am with you, you call the goodness out of me. This gave me great pause as I believe I am who I am because many people did not give up on me–and still do not–when I am less than who God created me to be.

If we are to be like trees planted near streams of living water that prosper, what would our rings reveal about us? Someone once told me that I was generous to a fault. I spend a lot of time reviewing comments like that to see if they hold truth. How can someone be too generous, too kind? It can be done. If the other person feels suffocated and the relationship is unhealthy, there is truth in the statement. I suspect though as I played with that cube, turning it over and over, that this was not true of me. I have the most generous friends I know. I cannot out give most of them–and besides friendship is not a contest. When you truly love someone, who keeps score?

Gifts come in all sorts of packages. The same person who said I was too generous, never once complained about the hours of my time that I gave to the relationship to be of support during a challenging time. That was the most valuable gift I shared. To this day, I do not regret that. I need to be true to my calling. I want to call forth the best in people. I also want people to polish me until I shine. Some years the rings will be narrow; other years the growth will be amazing. If a doctor could catch a glimpse of my heart, I would want it to be full of the beautiful emotions that come from serving others.

Fabulous people have been part of my life and shown me how to love in authentic and vulnerable ways. I hope that after a long and precious journey I will arrive at the gates and God will see a dazzling, multi-coloured heart that delights God’s own heart. What would your heart look like tonight? Are you grateful for what is there or wishing you could pick up some different markers and colour over some parts? The Examen is one way to stay on track. Take a moment and review your day, asking God to show you your heart.

Peace,

Suzanne

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Holes in Life

Posted on April 24, 2015 by sstyves

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Sometimes life takes turns you do not see coming. That is my story. I have had this crazy amazing life, sprinkled with situations that are heartbreaking. I could have given up or become bitter. Self-pity might have taken a strong hold. Instead I find myself grateful for all that has been. That does not mean there are not holes in my heart or a longing to rearrange parts of my past. Simply put, I could not be me without everything that has happened to me. God’s grace has helped transform me into a strong, devoted creature. I could have chosen differently.

As I face another challenge, I am positive and trusting. I know that God is with me. I pray that I may have the grace I need to walk through the fire that is soon coming. I sense this journey may be the hardest one yet. Then again, I was only 20 when I was told I might never walk again. Six months of not walking on my own two feet ended with stepping out and proving doctors had healed me. That was a pretty trying and taxing experience. When my sister died suddenly, my world collapsed into a dark abyss. Twelve other people died that year. I kept putting one foot in front of the other as I gasped for air, believing that the madness had to eventually stop. Who could forget getting caught in Eastern Congo in a riot? I should have been horribly traumatized but instead the father of my host family in Bujumbura’s question about whether I had never been shot at before was a reality check. I had not lived through a genocide or civil war. I had survived less than 24 hours of an uprising in which there were no fatalities.

Here is this new hole in life that I stand before. I do not know the outcome of it. The best case is where I am keeping my eyes–a successful surgery, an uneventful recovery, and a continuation of a life that I hopefully will never take for granted. I will fill that hole with the prayers and blessings of all the people–loved ones and strangers alike–who have carried me through when I have been too tired. I will caress the battle wounds and appreciate the balm brought to me along the way. I will wait for the treasure that this box of darkness holds for me.

We have choices in life. I have always tried to seek the Light in the darkness because I know that the Light wins. I have always believed that the dark is not the absence of Light. Light shines in the darkness if we are paying attention….the stars, the moon, the Son….they all illuminate our paths. If I look for the shimmers of Light, I will find them–and sometimes, better yet, they will find me. I cannot let the holes be filled with darkness. I pour peace and love into them instead. From those holes will spring forth something new, something that holds promise. I choose goodness and hope. Some things in life are just not an option for me.

Peace,

Suzanne

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Grow, Little Liver!

Posted on April 23, 2015 by sstyves

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More than a handful of people have mentioned that I must be frustrated because I have been waiting for so long. I have shrugged and said I am good to wait as I know that the Great Physician is growing this little liver of mine. I laughed today at an email I received from my friend Sue in Calgary who commented on my obsessive prayer of grow, little liver, grow. She sent me this, sung to the tune of This Little Light of Mine:

Grow little liver grow
I’m gonna wish it so
Grow little liver grow
Dontcha dare say no
Grow little liver grow
Don’t be Suzanne’s foe
Liver grow
Liver grow
Liver grow!

Isn’t it great that people brighten my day in the most amazing ways? Shall we sing it together as we wait and maybe before we know it, surgery will be over and we can continue to sing it again?

Peace,

Suzanne

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Essentials for Earthlings

Posted on April 21, 2015 by sstyves

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At the end of today’s readings was a quote by St. Augustine: Two things here on earth are essential: health and a friend. They are the two things most to be prayed for. The Gospel reading today tells a similar story, saying that the Bread of God which comes down from heaven gives life to the world. Jesus, our friend, brings health and healing. Both images made me grateful.

One of the activities that I have been doing lately is an ongoing graced history. This is a form of prayer where one reviews one’s life and looks for the blessings received. I am remembering my friends and various parts of my story that have brought me life. I have been thinking about the jobs that I have had and the amazing bosses for the most part. My work has been fulfilling and meaningful. The people I have worked with have been committed to the task at hand, whether it has been helping children, creating access, or building peace. The other day I was thinking about my intern experience at Sojourners magazine. I met some very good souls there who remain dear to me even if I have not seen them in decades. These people taught me about peace, relationships, life-long learning, laughter, and commitment.

I was not actually great at my job so it is a good thing I had a set of other skills that helped people forgive my typing inadequacies. Life within the community grew my brain, my heart and my spirit. I learned to love in ways I never knew possible. I craved interaction with motivated people doing the work of God. I participated in small acts of civil disobedience and felt one with our global village. My mind was cracked wide open by the violence that lurked in our neighbourhood–the constant shootings, the racial violence, the prostitution, the kids who were hungry, the illegal aliens, and the drugs. I learned how to pray in earthy ways serving in the food line: Help us to recognize Jesus when he comes through that door. I valued the small group of us who took the time to pray together daily for our ministry and our needs. I saw strong marriages and healthy families. The concept of caring for each other as one body inspired me time and again.

It is not to say that everything was ideal. The community struggled with sexual harassment within its ranks and power dynamics were a bit skewed. Mostly though, this experience taught me that when God is at the centre of relationships, redemption of even these sins can occur. When we have our whole health–mind, body and spirit–and friends we have the essentials for earthlings to be at peace. Even if part of our health fades or falters, friends and Jesus, Bread for the World, are enough.

I am grateful beyond words for that eye-opening year and for the people who made it a life-changing experience. Take a moment to pick a significant part of your life to review. Pray for all the people who helped shape you into the person you are today.

Peace,

Suzanne

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