What is Secret

Posted on March 14, 2016 by sstyves

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I first learned about Daniel 13 when I was part of a lay team presenting to a group of men at a local retreat centre.  I was half my current age back then, and hardly had the confidence I now do. The house was full of men of all ages. When they began to arrive, the team gathered to greet them. As I took my place among the priests, married couples and older lay woman, I noticed an elderly man walk right by me without greeting me. I was more than invisible to him–I had the distinct feeling that I should not be there in his mind. I began to second guess my yes and what I had to offer. Later that evening as the team gathered, the director of the centre mentioned to me Daniel 13. I confessed that I had never read it. Before my light went out that night, I held the bible in my hand and wondered about this woman named Susanna who I had never heard about prior to that evening.

She is described as a very beautiful woman and one who feared the Lord. She was married with children, had righteous parents, and was well trained in the law of Moses. This is one of the longest first readings during a weekday mass and never heard on a Sunday. I have always wondered why Daniel gets the credit that belonged to Susanna for her fidelity to God and to her husband. Despite the lecherous judges that try to get her to sin, she remains steadfast. She refuses to give in to their scheming and is condemned to die as the judges lie. Her heart, we are told, trusted in the Lord, and she keeps her eyes on Heaven. She is powerless against these two witnesses who even without being judges had more influence than she did. As a woman, as righteous as she was, the men trumped her goodness. God however had different plans to reward and protect her. Susanna cries out: O Eternal God, you know what is secret and are aware of all things before they come to be” –God has it. Enter young Daniel to save the day and her life by exposing these two false witnesses and their wickedness.

Centuries later we continue to live in a world where women are unsafe. We live in a society that somehow still believes that men’s word is more credible than women’s. We need Daniels in our communities to speak the truth. We need women not to feel ashamed when their family, friends or they themselves face situations like this. Only twice in my life have I not believed a woman when she cried rape. Sadly, I turned out to be right in each case. One of the men accused of one of the assaults was a friend of mine and I knew he would never do such a thing. The woman had already cried wolf several other times and he was her latest target. What is secret is hard to uncover. The recent scandals in both Canada and the USA rip the scabs off wounds that are not healed for many women. Somehow I know too many survivors of sexual assault.

I read these verses one time at a mass when I was incredibly angry about what was going on in my church regarding two parishioners.  If words could strike people dead, my proclamation would have caused a mass homicide. The words of Daniel exploded from my mouth with a vengeance I did not know I was capable of. I was tired of the secrets and the thought of an angel of God ready to split the perpetrator in two was far from repulsive. Normally, I am a pacifist but that night, I was angry. That intermittent anger has raged on in me for years. All it takes to surface is a story in the news or the disclosure of a friend.

The saving grace is found in Psalm 23.  The Good Shepherd walks with us through those dark valleys. Women will find their place one day.  That time has not arrived quick enough but every once in awhile, I see a glimpse of hope that is startling. The men’s retreat had a happy ending for me. I had been speaking about father-daughter relationships throughout the weekend. As that same elderly gentleman left, he stopped in front of me and looked me square in the eyes. He confessed that he thought upon arrival that I had no place being there but he had changed his mind and thanked me for my teachings.

Susanna chose God over sin and that could have gotten her killed. That is a powerful lesson this Lent. She trusted that the false evidence against her would crumble. All those who loved her deserted her. She stood in the circle of shame by herself but she knew that she had done no wrong. Every time I read this story of this strong woman, I am humbled and directed to a good path. May I learn to walk in it all the days of my life.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What is it like to be abandoned by everyone and to stand wrongly accused?

Do you cry out to God who knows what is secret for justice?

Prayer

Eternal God, we cry out to you, that you may reveal what is secret to break us from our complacency and our fears. We are fools, still, after all this time, begging for evidence without seeking the Truth. Unravel our wicked plans, shatter the circle of shame, and heal our world. Amen.

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Neither Do I

Posted on March 13, 2016 by sstyves

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While the snow is melting quickly, there is no sand yet to write on. The tracks of animals had danced around this area when I walked it a few weeks back. I wondered then what the story was of these footprints. I wonder now who stumbled upon the musings of Jesus after he, the men, and the woman caught in adultery had exited–if they tried to decipher what had occurred earlier in vain. Jesus had made a way in the wilderness for each person present.

This story, one about sinfulness and great forgiveness, is echoed in the other readings today. In the First Reading, Isaiah speaks of the new things that will spring forth–we should not consider old. Psalm 126 can help us visualize how the woman left that circle of male accusers–weeping she arrived, but I am convinced she must have gone home with shouts of joy. Philippians 3 guides us to the real prize in life–Jesus. He is the One who will free us from all our sin, just like that woman. He may also be the one who shows us our own hearts when all we want to do is point fingers. How do we learn not to condemn others? In this Year of Mercy, God wants us to find a way to forgive others and ourselves. If Jesus himself can say that he does not condemn, then can we too release mercy into our world by saying, neither do I condemn you. We must also learn to say this to ourselves, opening ourselves up to receive mercy too.

One by one, the scribes and Pharisees walk away, beginning with the elders, until Jesus is alone with the woman. The elders had recognized quickly the unworthiness of their own lives to throw stones at someone else.  Christ does not let the woman off the hook–he calls her to a redeemed life: Go, sin no more. We are all called to be more than how others see us and often, how we see ourselves.

My social worker recommended a book to me, The Four Things That Matter Most, by Dr Ira Byock. I think it is no accident that two of the essential phrases are regarding forgiveness: “Please forgive me,” “I forgive you,” “Thank you,” and “I love you”.  In all the work that I have done over the years, some of my most meaningful moments are regarding forgiveness.  When I was in the Great Lakes Region of Africa, survivors of the Rwandan and Burundian genocides, and the victims of war and violence in DR Congo and Kenya struggled to forgive.  The men in prison that I visit monthly often cannot forgive themselves for what they have done if they are truly working on the truth of what the crime was all about. We need all mercy. We all need to say–neither do I condemn you. Jesus will be our Saviour if we let him. He will reach out and wipe away the marks in the sand or snow. We will go home with shouts of joy and the former things will be made new.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Who have you condemned recently that needs your mercy?

What does Jesus need to make new in your life?

Prayer

Scribbles in the sand free us from condemnation, Jesus. You are merciful and quick to restore our lives so that we may return home again with shouts of joy. May we go forth thanking you for the great things that you have done and committed to sin no more. Amen.

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Secret Purposes of God

Posted on March 11, 2016 by sstyves

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The book of Wisdom is not so well-known as other Hebrew Scripture readings. The phrase that caught my attention in today’s First Reading is the secret purposes of God. We have no idea, on the same vein as my last blog post, exactly what God has purposed for our lives. The God who has created our world, the one that changes with each season, and every morning, is not a God who can be boxed in. This God transforms every little thing in the universe for good. Why would we think we would know the Big Picture Plan that is given for our lives?

As spring arrives here, I cannot help but notice that whatever has quietly been sleeping is now being awakened to a new life. God is about to resurrect the world and in a couple of weeks we will see the Son of God rise to new life. God’s secret purposes are so much more than we can ask or imagine. Our finite minds simply cannot grasp what is happening. We do not see the whole impact of a life and therefore we cannot comprehend what is at work.

Trusting God that somehow my early death has a secret purpose is where I am at. I have no idea what that might be but I do know that many people are being touched by how I am currently facing my situation. I am trying to crack open discussions about death, dying, and living purposefully. The honest conversations that I am having are refreshing and I cherish those who choose to listen and engage in the conversation. Tonight I shared a meal with four friends and the conversation wandered to a depth that I appreciate. I do not know if maybe this is part of the secret purpose or not. Some days I think I should strap on a crash test helmet for these chats. My social worker suggested an alternative: Or just free fall. I loved that concept. Let us fall together into the holy depths of conversation and trust that the Holy One will bring goodness out of it.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions:

What secret purpose might God have for you?

Can you free fall trustingly into the depths of the Unknown?

Prayer

Secret-Planner, we have no idea what the Big Picture looks like. You are mapping out our purpose and chuckling as we try to guess what the Gift is. Grant us trust as we teeter on the edge and let us free fall into your loving arms. Amen.

 

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We Have No Idea….

Posted on March 10, 2016 by sstyves

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I know that I have said this before but it merits repeating. We have no idea how we impact other people. I do not think I am the only one who is clueless in this regard but I do suspect that I do not pay much attention to this Mystery. I am careful not to hurt people on some levels but yet, I am not one to focus on the good that I do, even when I do my daily Examen. I miss a lot of the little kindnesses I do and sometimes those are the ones that make the most difference.

Last night was my farewell party for work. After 17 years of consulting with Deaf and hard of hearing children, I have said goodbye to my colleagues. One colleague called the event the Suzanne Tribute Dinner which is a little  humbling. It is hard to really know what it was because it was not a retirement party and it is not really a happy situation to be leaving under these circumstances. I have not worked in this capacity for over a year now which seems odd having worked in the Deaf Community for over 30 years. I was perhaps in denial leading up to the supper. I had procrastinated in thinking about a speech. I had not wanted to think about ending this part of my life. Though I have retrieved my personal belongings from my office, I still need to go in and sort through the files that remain. Last night though, I had no choice but to face the inevitable. This chapter of my life was done.

I wanted something classy and comfortable to mark the occasion. I chose a French restaurant within walking distance of my home and the office. The place was closed for this private function, allowing us to linger leisurely and speak freely. The food was spectacular. The company was stellar. The gifts were perfect. The time flew by for me. The introvert in me creates a bit of a tug-of-war with the extrovert which means I can look a little like a deer caught in the headlights if you are really paying attention.

My manager and two former members of the team delivered speeches, telling funny stories about me and toasting my achievements. As I listened, I gained new insights about myself. Mostly I wondered how I had missed all these lovely parts of myself. Yes, we tend to be hard on ourselves in my profession but I really had no idea how my life had influenced people. Seeing your life through other people’s eyes is a treasure. Of course, even the challenging parts of life take on a different tone years down the line in a situation like mine. I do not mean to downplay people’s kindnesses but more so it is the fact that in the end those really hard moments do not matter. That is not what sticks with us. What stays are the small generosities that you do not even know you are bestowing because they are consistent and at the essence of who you are. These are the defining moments that transform the irritating ones.

Tonight was the Lenten reconciliation service at my parish. I had several sins to confess but the two that I will share are pertinent to this train of thought. The first is anger. I confessed that I am experiencing a displaced anger watching people squander their lives and gifts. I had to really think about this during Lent but when I understood what was going on, I realized I could be free of it.

The other sin was less clear to me. I could not figure out what to call it but it is what I described above–my cluelessness about the impact of my life. George Bailey is my identical twin. Was it pride somehow–or false humility?  I was being honest in my admission of what was going on and the priest knew that I wanted to know what it was. You’re not going to like what I have to say, he started and then looked at me.  Tell me anyway, I begged. His eyes smiled back at me as we sat in silence for a few seconds. It is your sanctity, he responded at last. I do not know if he saw my physical reaction–it felt like my head exploded–and then I began to cry. As much as I joke about being a saint, I cannot embrace my own sanctity. Few of us can. We are uncomfortable to acknowledge on some level that we are saints that the Divine uses to bring about the kingdom.

Now that I am faced with death, the impact of my life is being made clear to me in ways that few of us get to experience. We should not wait to tell people that they are doing holy work, that their lives matter, and that God is indeed using them for concrete building blocks for the Kingdom palace. If we had any idea how our lives impact not just a handful of people but thousands of people, we would collapse under the weight of that knowledge. That stranger you smiled at today, that service person you thanked, or that colleague who needed your ear…these may seem like nothing but in that moment, you made a difference. That child that leapt out of her desk when she saw me come into her classroom, that resource teacher who keeps banging her head against the wall in frustration that you took the moment to affirm, that parent who is not sure that they are making valid choices who visibly relaxes because you are in the meeting with them….they are better people because of you. As better people, they will reach out and make that difference too. The ripple effect is unknown. We are all unaware of our sanctity to some degree, I suspect. I continue to encourage you to embrace yours. This is gift.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

How well do you embrace your sanctity?

What would surprise you to learn about yourself from someone else?

Prayer

Holy One, we are nothing like you–and yet, we are made in your divine image. What paradox is this? Help me, Creator, to accept my creaturehood and my sanctity. Amen.

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Coming to Ourselves

Posted on March 7, 2016 by sstyves

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The Prodigal Son in today’s readings comes to himself in the middle of a dirty pig bath. We all sit in the mire of our lives sometimes. Not all of us comprehend what is going on. Many of us never come to ourselves. We can be such strangers to the spirit within us–the wisdom that is connected to our deepest being. We miss those moments of enlightenment–or we run from them. However, when we even scratch the surface of our true self, the holiness that God created us to be, we head towards the Creator, and a celebration occurs.

I have been involved with an Enneagram workshop for these past two Saturdays. It has been about 20 years since I first explored this tool on healing and learning about myself. My particular space in the circle of this tool is someone who can be envious and who can be a romantic dreamer without putting goals into action. I have worked hard these past years to create a healthier pattern in my life. I have started to come to myself. It is not an easy grace to chase. The prodigal son sees that…I am no longer worthy, he decides before returning to his father.

Coming to ourselves takes great courage. We must be willing to see ourselves for who we truly are. We must seek to trust the eyes of those who see us beyond our vision–both the good and bad. Over the past year, I have had hard conversations with people. I have been brutally honest about my foibles with some friends and family.  Contrarily, I have been inundated with emails as to how my life has touched others in positive and rewarding ways. These have pointed me to my darkness and my light. I have known a God who tells the slaves to quickly bring the best robe and wrap me in it. The lost has been found and this is reason to celebrate. At times, I lost my vision of my sinfulness and at other times, I did not see my own goodness. God has created us to be holy. God waits for us, scanning for a glimpse of us coming forward with our penitent hearts. When God spots us on the horizon, what does the Almighty do? The Creator breaks into a run in our direction, grabs us in a mighty bear hug and kisses us. The God of the Universe who created us longs for us to return to our beautiful selves. Lent is a perfect time to leave the pig sty of our lives and to return home to the Father who waits.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What do you need to come to within yourself?

Do you believe that God will come running to you?

Prayer

Creator of the Universe, run towards me! May I come to my senses and leave the pig sty of my life so that I can be all that you created me to be. Thank you for keeping watch for me. Amen.

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Be Merciful!

Posted on March 5, 2016 by sstyves

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We spin all sorts of webs. The Readings today offer a look at how we as humans think so completely differently than God. Hosea 5 has the people of Ephraim and Judah acknowledging their guilt and wanting to return to the Lord who will heal them. The Lord responds by remarking that their love is like a morning cloud, like dew that goes away early. God desires our steadfast love, not a fleeting love. God wants a contrite heart as Psalm 51 says. The Gospel has two men in the temple and we see these two other readings dovetailing–one man with his puffed-up pride and the other standing vulnerable before God, heart of contrition offered. Which are we?

I have often prayed an adaptation of the tax collector’s prayer: Jesus, be merciful to me, your beloved daughter. I stand in so much need of mercy.With that in mind, I have booked a flight to Barcelona, as another pilgrimage, with one of the goals being to walk through one of the seven official doors of mercy this year. I am not looking for a cure on this trip, but I am seeking healing, the kind that comes with a contrite heart. I will leave after Easter, wrapped in the knowledge of the joy that Christ is Risen. This Year of Mercy can afford special graces and I want to be open to receive them. I do not want to spin any webs. I want to leave open to what might be revealed and return with an inner fortitude to complete this journey.

These last weeks of Lent, I have my eyes on mercy. I think there may be some lessons for me on this topic.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Is your love for God steadfast or fleeting?

Which of the two men in parable do you resemble most?

Prayer

Have mercy on me, Jesus, your beloved daughter, who loves you with a steadfast heart. Amen.

 

 

 

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Not Far

Posted on March 4, 2016 by sstyves

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Today’s Gospel has a scribe asking Jesus which commandment is first of all. Jesus responds:

“The first is this:
Hear, O Israel!
The Lord our God is Lord alone!
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart,
with all your soul,
with all your mind,
and with all your strength.
The second is this:
You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
There is no other commandment greater than these.”

This is actually the best known Jewish prayer. We are reminded in reading this passage from Mark that Jesus was born of a young Jewish mother, Mary. He knew the Hebrew Scriptures well. We can only imagine that Mary herself would have taught Jesus these commandments–and in actuality, she was telling the face of God to love God. There is a certain irony in this. Our beloved Mother had no idea the extent to which she was raising up a Godly Son.

The idea that God is right in front of us, in our neighbour, in our families, in our communities, in the church pew, and in the least of these, is not new. The Incarnate One became human for us so that we would not be far from the Kingdom of God ever. God is in all things. Psalm 81 says that when we are in distress, God will respond to us. Sometimes God will answer the prayer of someone through us–we love our neighbour and relieve their shoulders from the burdens they struggle to carry.

We often forget to embrace the second commandment of loving ourselves equally to our neighbour. God can use us to answer prayers but sometimes we need to be ministered to. Some days, we need to show mercy not only to others, but to ourselves as well. We need to draw our boundaries in healthy ways. I have been learning to do that this past year in my illness. I have accepted help when it has been offered, drawn a line in the sand when I have needed space, and withdrawn to a quiet space when my soul required rest.

I have loved the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength without wavering. My Beloved has been patient with me and I am ever grateful for the graces bestowed on me. My heart is God’s. When someone said to me prior to knowing that my cancer was back that I should praise God every day for my healing, my response was that I should praise God every day period. Full stop. No conditions apply. I simply should praise God. I should love God with my whole heart, not just half a heart that sulks because life did not turn out the way I wanted or half a mind that wants to walk away from the relationship because I want something different. No. The Hebrew Scriptures are clear and laid out again in the Christian Gospel: God requires loving with every ounce of your being. Love God, your neighbour, and your very self. This is no easy task but for thousands of years it has been taught. There must be some Truth in these words. If we learn how important these beliefs are, then we too will not be far from the Kingdom.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What role do you think Mary had in developing Christ’s love of God?

Which of these two commandments is most challenging for you?

Prayer

Face of God teach us how to love you more, in word and deed. Show us how to love our neighbours and ourselves. May we strive for the Kingdom of God and recognize you along the way. Banish my half-heartedness, a mind that wanders, a spirit that is weak. Give me only a desire to love you entirely and always. Amen.

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Half-Hearted Creatures

Posted on March 2, 2016 by sstyves

C.S. Lewis writes, It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.IMG_0462

I stumbled across this powerful quote today and it startled me. In the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius, retreatants looks at the concept of being lukewarm Christians. We are either hot or cold; there should be no in-between. C.S. Lewis suggests we are not zealous enough.We are half-hearted creatures who distract ourselves with the unimportant, who stay in the familiar because the unknown frightens us. We are content to remain with what we know rather than risk everything. We numb our emotions with alcohol, sex, and work rather than face the demons that pursue us. We are steps away from infinite joy but sit in the mud puddle, pretending we are happy.

I have no idea how many months I have left to embrace infinite joy. I do know that I still sometimes play in the mud puddle instead of choosing the holiday at the sea. Those who know me, know that I love the ocean; this landlocked prairie girl escapes often to the coast to breathe in deeply the salt air and walk along the shore. The days whiz by and I worry that I am whittling away chances to leave behind legacies that count, grasp opportunities that inspire, and share moments that will be lasting memories. Stop playing in the mud! I am not yet in a full panic but some days I wonder if I need to go to that meeting or why I have not yet been outside my home.

Recently after mass, I had an encounter with two women. The one is mentally ill and she does not yet know my diagnosis. I want to find the right time to tell her so that she can process it properly. She came up while I was talking to the other woman and asked me for a ride home. I informed her I was not heading home that night. The second woman made a comment that intimated that I was going to play in the mud puddle. The woman who is on the fringe of society went to Jesus-mode. She assumed that I was going out with friends and said that was nice. She told me that I looked great and she was glad that I was better. The other woman laughed at her the whole time, disrespecting her. She did not yet know the truth either. I could feel myself getting angry because she did not recognize the pile of dirt she was standing in as she mocked the woman who was being kind to me. Not only are we half-hearted people, but sometimes we are also mean-hearted bullies.

God offers us infinite joy. We cannot always rise from our mud piles to go to the sea. We not only fool around we fool ourselves into believing we are not worthy enough to move beyond the slum and reside at the beach. We settle. We let fear win. We stay stuck in the slums instead of stroll by the sea. This Lent, maybe it is time to choose differently. This Lent, say I am worthy of infinite joy. I am done fooling around. Enough with the sex, the food, the drink, the ambition, fame, or whatever it is that keeps us in bondage. I want freedom from the mire and claim the liberation of infinite joy. I want that to be my strong desire. I choose the good–the greater good for all, not the selfish good for me which really is not a good. Broaden my imagination, God, and expand my horizons.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What mud pie is keeping you in the mire?

How will you choose infinite joy?

Prayer

God of the vast sea, invite us to come and stay. Help us to leave the mire of the mud puddle and to embrace the infinite joy that you gift us. Amen.

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Daring Adventure

Posted on February 29, 2016 by sstyves

imageI was out with friends tonight and at the end of it, one of them tossed me a fortune cookie. We laughed  when I read it out loud.  I’m trying to make some decisions about traveling. I would like to meet friends in Europe and explore a bit by myself too. Could this be the adventure?  I have also had a couple of gracious offers from faraway friends. I will have to consider all of these.

Of course, I have started calling this whole experience of living with a terminal diagnosis an adventure, thanks to my social worker’s suggestion, that will lead to the Great Adventure. Whatever truth this fortune cookie may hold, strap yourself in. I’m sure it will be exciting.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What adventure are you looking forward to?

What image do you use when thinking about the end of life?

Prayer

Creator, you walk with us along the path of Life, setting before us adventures. May we greet each one with openness and courage, knowing we have been given all that we need. Amen!

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Everything I Have

Posted on February 27, 2016 by sstyves

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The Prodigal Son, a well-known story from Scripture, is today’s Gospel. I am sure you have heard the words dozens of times, have thought about which son you are before, and seen how merciful the father is. Homilies take all of these into consideration. We can zone out when we are faced with the familiar and miss out on diamonds in the snow. We forget to listen when we know what we think is coming.

Personally, I love this story. I see myself in both brothers. I am the wandering soul who feels entitled without cause. I am the judgmental older brother who seeks recognition. Sometimes with great grace, I can even be the loving, compassionate father who waits and celebrates. Today, the words that struck me were everything I have is yours. To the younger son, the father had given everything due him. To the older, dutiful son, belonged everything too. Such generosity!

What does it mean to say everything I have is yours?  Everything that belongs to someone else is ours? Mi casa es su casa. My home is your home. Make yourself comfortable. Use whatever you need. I recently house sat and my friends said to eat whatever  I wanted. Leftovers in the fridge or food in the pantry and freezer could be used. That was very generous. How much more generous is God? Everything God has is ours. I cannot even begin to comprehend that.

Since my illness began, I have had this sense that everything I need, I have. I lack nothing. I merely need to ask and sometimes even before I know what I need it arrives. I keep saying God.has.this and I mean it. I do not mean that there will be a magic potion or cure. The miracle may look different indeed. My heart and mind may be transformed. Relationships can be healed. Grace will break through in a variety of ways as it did with the Father who waited for his child to come home again. Miracles happen each and every day because everything God has is ours. Open our eyes and we see bountiful beauty. Breathe in and be amazed that smells are spectacular. Listen attentively to the melodies all around us. Devour the tastes that tempt you. Explore the feeling of rough, smooth, supple, and soft. God offers us a smorgasbord of miracles. Surely we can find at least one today.

We are presented with everything and, as with the older son, sometimes we have no desire to rejoice and celebrate. Make a different choice I say. Choose joy. Choose life. Choose to see the daily miracles. See the mercy and love that awaits you. God is in all things. Ask where God is and then let’s keep our eyes open.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Who, other than God, says to you, everything I have is yours?

What does God offer you that you want?

Prayer

Creator of the Universe,

You give us everything,

We receive You in all things

at all times,

every single day.

You are worthy of our praise.

Amen.

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