Hope Not Worry

Posted on January 23, 2016 by sstyves

image

Pray, hope and don’t worry. – St. Pius of Pietrelcina

This quote was at the and of the daily readings today. They are timely words as I begin a new leg of this adventure. I now enter the waiting game. This is the time between scans and doctor appointments.  I move forward into health. Many people who have had cancer live in complete fear of its return. I made the choice early on that that is not the way that I want to be if at all possible and through God’s good Grace.  I do not know if I will be able to live out of that space but I do place it lovingly in God’s hands. By doing so I entrust it to the same good hands that have brought me this far.

I pray and I hope that God’s will be done in my life. I pray that I am a good servant, that I will see God in all things,  and that I will rejoice in every moment I am given. I will try not to worry. Saint Pius has been with me on this journey, along with a number of other saints.   I know that he will pray on my behalf. I will try my best not to worry but rather I will choose to rest in hope.

Fear can overtake us at any given moment. When that happens I hope that I may recognize its presence quickly and pray for peace instead. For those of you who are continuing to pray for me, please pray that I, along with all those who face cancer on a daily basis, do not cling to our fears, but embrace the God who is the Great Physician.  God.still.has.this.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Can you pray and hope but not worry?

Has a saint ever helped you through a challenging time in your life?

Prayer

Great Physician, you heal us on so many levels. Come now to our fearful hearts and troubled minds. Still the voices of fear and darkness. Grant peace to us and allow us to leave everything in your good hands. Amen.

 

Posted in #CancerSurvivor, #Consolation, #Miracles, #prayer, #Saints, #YearofMercy, Catholic, Christian, Faith, Ignatian, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Secret Treasure

Posted on January 22, 2016 by sstyves

IMG_6313[1]

What is the secret of finding the Treasure? There isn’t one. The Treasure is everywhere. It is offered to us at every moment and wherever we find ourselves. All creatures, friends or enemies, pour it out abundantly. ~Jean Pierre de Caussade. sj

Spoken like a true Jesuit! The Treasure is everywhere. God is in all things. I have always noticed beauty. In fact, at least one of my friends who has been on road trips with me believes she needs to wear a crash helmet when I am driving because she thinks I am so distracted by it. My eyes are always peeled for a glorious sunset, the sunlight sparkling off a golden field of wheat, a buck brazenly standing by the highway, or a hawk soaring high above.  God is there…and there…and there. We are so abundantly blessed, if we have but eyes to see. God is a generous Giver and cannot be outdone in the riches bestowed.

Today as I walked from my car to the hospital to drop something off, I cut through a park and despite the grey day, I felt a joy surge through me at the simple task of walking. Who knew that walking could be so exciting? I laughed and thought back to a conversation that I had had with my CancerCare social worker many months ago.

He asked if I found my heightened sense of awe even more finely tuned. I did not think so. I had always been grateful for so much. This morning though, as I marveled at the energy that led me to clean the crisper drawer in my fridge, I realized that I did have a new appreciation of life. The tiniest mundane act brought a smile when before it would have been a chore. Ah, here is the secret of finding the Treasure: It is here, right before you, inside of you, behind you, above you, beside you, below you. It shimmers and waits to be noticed. Open your eyes and delight. Your God awaits you.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions:

What treasure caught your attention today?

What mundane act can bring you more joy?

Prayer

Unburied Treasure, You shine all around us, making us richer for it. Nowhere do You hide. That beggar on the street corner, that flash of colour on the bridge, the song the wind plays on the snow…all is gift. All is a blessed treasure. May I recognize You always. Amen.

Posted in #CancerSurvivor, #Consolation, #Miracles, #prayer, #YearofMercy, Catholic, Christian, Faith, Ignatian, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Facing Giants

Posted on January 20, 2016 by sstyves

 

image Over a year has passed since I’ve been involved in any formal exercise  program. This afternoon marked my first  attempt of returning to an exercise class. I chose a MELT class at the Pilates studio. I wasn’t really sure how it would go. I know that my core muscles have been traumatized and that my energy levels are still quite low. I was prepared for the worst, giving myself permission to stay for only half of the class if that was all that I could do. I was pleasantly surprised that I could do the full hour. It’s not a strenuous class by any means and there were times when I struggled, but I stayed with it.  I was well aware of how nervous I felt at learning how my body would react to exercise.

Today’s  first reading is from 1 Samuel 17, the well-known story of David facing the Philistine giant, Goliath. David faces him with courage and confidence saying The Lord, who saved me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear, will save me from the hand of this Philistine. Walking into the Pilates studio this afternoon I felt like I was facing a giant but that I lacked David’s courage and confidence.

When we face our giants, those voices in our heads are mean-spirited. As the Philistine mocked David so do our giants mock us when we  dare to come against them. They want us to feel inadequate and unworthy. They want to intimidate us and have us walk away in shame.  With one smooth stone, David teaches us how to slay the giant. It is best to  attack the beast right at the center of its mind games.

During the class, I became aware of my  physical limitations.  I felt my disappointment rising but at the same time I gained confidence and courage by facing my fears head-on.  By the end of it, I felt victorious. I had stood before the giant and I had not lost. The God who has saved me  from the paw of death and disaster saved me again today.  Thanks be to God!

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What giants do you need to face?

Are you facing them with fear or courage and confidence?

Prayer 

Slayer-of-Giants, Relentless Underdog, you show us again and again that we can come up against our fears and win. Fill us with the courage and confidence that we need at this time so that people will see that you are a God who has this. You are the God we can trust, the God who will save us. Amen.

 

 

Posted in #BibleStories, #CancerSurvivor, #Consolation, #Miracles, #prayer, #YearofMercy, Catholic, Christian, Faith, Ignatian, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Looking at the Heart

Posted on January 20, 2016 by sstyves

IMG_8977

I have been thinking a lot about love lately. Some friends and I did a marathon viewing of Thorn Birds recently and other friends and I have been discussing what love looks like–or perhaps more accurately–does not look like. In today’s First Reading from 1 Samuel, we learn that God does not look on the appearance of the men will be provided as king but rather God looks upon the heart of each of the candidates. Perhaps that is where we get distracted and miss the mark in love–we forget to look at the heart.

The conversations have been excellent in many ways. I have friends who can look deeply and honestly at their hearts and motivations. In debriefing Thorn Birds, that mini-series from the early ’80s starring the sexy Richard Chamberlain, we discussed obsessive love–a love that is or becomes unhealthy. What is it that draws women to the forbidden priest or the married man? Why do men look at girls or younger women with lust?  What is it that attracts us to someone in the first place?  Most of the relationships in the mini-series are not about love–they are about ambition, domination, control, and lust. No one is really looking at their hearts in healthy ways.

Tonight I saw the movie Brooklyn, a love story that is about love and matters of the heart. We witness the selfless love of a sister, the selfish love of a mother, and the innocent love of a man and woman. We can look at the hearts of each character and know what they are thinking.  I think that having a love relationship with someone that is intense but not sexual is a good way to understand what is healthy. The siblings in the film have a beautiful agape love that thinks the best for one another. I think this allows the one sister to fall in love with someone who is genuine and sweet, a man whose heart God would look upon and smile.

I have friends who look at all the wrong things in a relationship and I am sure God looks and shakes a head full of worry. I am also very certain that God looks at my own heart some days and does the same. I have not always made the best choices regarding love but have fared better than some. If we are not exposed to strong relationships, we do not even know what to look for. I remember when I lived in Washington, DC, a couple that had a relationship that seemed to have everything I was looking for. I  marveled how they loved each other. Today I recognize some of the elements of a healthy relationship when I see them–a couple who can give of themselves abundantly and yet who understand boundaries, forgiving hearts, a good sense of oneself within the relationship, the ability to argue well, compassion, respect, humour, holding lightly to  being right rather than loving, an ability to survive the dry periods without judgment, and a stick-to-it-ness with a sense of joy and creativity. These have nothing to do with what colour hair a person has–or if the person even has hair, body weight and shape, or the beauty found in magazine pages.

I am going to continue to mull over this thing called love as it seems to continue to raise its hand to flag my attention. I am not sure what it is all about but I find it fascinating. I am going to also pray that I may see with the eyes of God what love is really all about.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

How has love revealed itself to you over the years?

Would you say that falling in love at first sight may not always be wise?

Prayer

God, you look upon the hearts of us mortals and know us better than we know ourselves. We rush to anoint the one that is your last pick. Help us to see with your eyes, Creator, and look upon the heart of those we think we love. Show us the way to love. Amen.

Posted in #BibleStories, #prayer, #YearofMercy, Catholic, Christian, Faith, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My Delight is in You

Posted on January 17, 2016 by sstyves

IMG_6330[2]

The Wedding at Cana story is known to most Christians. Here Jesus turns water into wine when his mother Mary urges him to do something on behalf of the hosts because the beverage has run out. Told only in John’s Gospel, this story is revealing. This will be Christ’s first public miracle.   Jesus challenges his mother that his time has not yet come, but her maternal instinct must have been strong as she says to the servants that they should do whatever he tells them. Suddenly the water is transformed into wine better than what had been provided earlier.  He quietly returns home for a few days before embarking on his mission.

The story is compelling for many reasons.  We catch a glimpse of Jesus as human, enjoying a wedding feast with family and friends. We see also his divinity as he carries out his first miracle.  Thus in this Gospel story we see both the humanity and divinity of Jesus the Christ. We observe an intimate moment shared with his mother. We acknowledge his generosity and care for the couple and their families.  We witness a moment when the ordinary is transformed into the extraordinary. This is what happens when Jesus comes to us as well. What we think cannot be done, in the twinkling of an eye, is.  How many times does this occur in our own lives?  How blessed are we!

The gospel is preceded by two other meaningful readings.  In the first beautiful reading from Isaiah, we see how God rejoices over each of us in the same way as a groom is overjoyed by his bride. We are told that we shall be called My Delight is in You. We shall be crowns of beauty in the hand of the Lord.  God himself will give you a new name, Isaiah promises. We too through God can be transformed. This reading is particularly poignant for me as I wrap up my chemo treatments. I will have to listen to the new name God has given me.

The Second Reading speaks of gifts. In some ways what Jesus did at the wedding at Cana was the most meaningful gift that the couple would have received at their wedding. Out of love, he provided something extraordinary and miraculous that blessed not only them, but their loved ones as well. We all have gifts that are meant to be shared and used for the common good. Jesus models this at the wedding and in the Second Reading it is laid out pretty clearly that the Holy Spirit gives these gifts to be used to profit everyone.

Use the gifts given with confidence in the One who delights in you. You can transform the ordinary into the extraordinary if you do.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

What ordinary transformation was a miracle in your life recently?

What name does God give you?

Prayer

Beloved One-Who-Delights-In-Us, how do we even begin to thank you for transforming ordinary moments into extraordinary miracles?  You do this every single day if we but look with eyes that can see. Use us, through the gifts that you generously bestow upon us, to be the servants that do whatever you tell us to change the world. You are magnificent and we love you more than we can ever express. Amen.

 

 

 

Posted in #BibleStories, #Consolation, #Miracles, #prayer, #YearofMercy, Catholic, Christian, Faith, Ignatian, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Why Raise Questions?

Posted on January 15, 2016 by sstyves

IMG_6275[1]

Today’s Gospel reading from Mark is about a man who was paralyzed. His friends brought him to Jesus, after digging through the roof and lowering him down on his mat. When Jesus saw the faith of the man’s friends, he told the man that his sins were forgiven. The scribes present began to question in their hearts what Christ was doing. Jesus, knowing this, asked them, Why do you raise such questions in your heart? Then he said to the one who was paralyzed to stand up, pick up his mat and go home, which he does to the amazement of everyone.

This Gospel story is interesting and pertinent to me for several reasons. First and foremost, as I ended chemo this week, I am aware of how many friends have carried me onto roofs, dug down deeply, placed me before Jesus, and left me in his good hands. Their faith has been inspiring to me and I am so grateful for all their efforts to bring me back to health. I could not have done this journey without them. Some days I simply could not have moved from my mat. They–both friends and strangers–prayed me through the roughest spots. Such marvelous earth angels!

Secondly, I know that some people questioned in their hearts my decision to poison my body with chemo.  I did not make the decision lightly or easily.  I signed all the papers but took a weekend to prayerfully consider my options.  I do not feel as if I need to defend my final decision to anyone.  I struggled to make it and part way through wondered if it was worth it. On this side of it, I have no regrets. These past six months–this past year–has been challenging.  Recovering from surgery, I could see that I was getting better daily.  Chemo left me sicker each month. Now I can focus on healing my body once again. I am ready to stand up, pick up my mat and carry on with my life.

Jesus asks the scribes why they raise such questions. It is a valid point. I have had people fall into the blaming the victim stance with me about why I had cancer. What sins had I committed to cause it?  Interestingly enough, I have not really asked why. I have more often asked why not? In this year of mercy, I want to find myself less judgmental and more at peace with others and myself. I want to try and respect others and not make them feel badly about their own decisions regarding their own life.  That will be one of the lessons that I take away from this experience.  It will not be an easy one but even wanting to be aware of my weaknesses should help me to reflect on when I do not succeed.  I am going to be paying special attention during the Examen for the times I do not act with mercy.

As I start down yet a new road on this adventure, I am happily picking up my mat with a grateful heart to those who brought me to Jesus time and again. I hope that I can be more merciful and more self-compassionate as I continue on.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Who raises unhelpful questions about decisions you have made for the good in your life?

Who goes above and beyond to place you in Christ’s good hands?

Prayer

Great Physician, you see our faith and know our hearts. Sometimes we are far from holy. We can be hurtful and harmful, even if that is not our intention. Show us our sins in this regard so that we can learn to be more merciful and compassionate.  Thank you for those who will go the heights and depths to ensure our wellness, who carry us when we cannot take another step, who place us in your loving hands. Bless these earth angels for their generosity.  Amen.

Posted in #BibleStories, #CancerSurvivor, #Consolation, #Miracles, #prayer, #YearofMercy, Catholic, Christian, Faith, Ignatian, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Mercy Given

Posted on January 11, 2016 by sstyves

IMG_0642

Today was my last dressing change for my PICC line prior to having it removed tomorrow after my last chemo treatment. I had two of my favourite nurses work with me today.  I have to admit that I will miss their exuberance and positive attitude. I wonder what I have learned from them that I can take into my own job when I return.  They have been a joy to have on this journey.

As I talked with one of them about some plans to celebrate, I realized once again that relationships had been formed over these past six months. She got so excited for me and gave me some advice about what the next few weeks might look like for me. I sensed a caring that was deeply appreciated. The second nurse had been concerned about some of the issues I had been having around an allergic reaction to the dressing early on and as she looked at it today she said she could not believe how it had healed perfectly. I mentioned that tomorrow would be my last infusion and she smiled at me and said I looked great all things considered and that I had done so very well. As she went back to changing the dressing, I could feel my eyes water.  It meant a lot to have her say that as she has seen for herself some of what I have endured.  It was a gift of mercy.

I am not sure what tomorrow will bring. I am hoping that there are not glitches in the removal of the PICC line and that the last chemo infusion does what it is supposed to.  This song is a blessing to me right now https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0dIWJ4t4Jg  As I leave what has become familiar, as challenging as it has been, and move towards health,  I am a bit nervous, however I am ready to move on. Mostly, I am grateful for the mercy shown me by so many these past six months. I have known throughout this adventure that God.has.this and I have everything I need because of that. Onward!

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

When did you last receive mercy?

Is there a song that speaks to you?

Prayer

Great Physician, thank you for your mercy and peace. Thank you for sending your earth angels as ministers to me these past months. Continue to walk with me into the unknown and give me strength for what lies ahead. Amen.

Posted in #CancerSurvivor, #Consolation, #Miracles, #prayer, #YearofMercy, Catholic, Christian, Faith, Ignatian, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

The River

Posted on January 10, 2016 by sstyves

IMG_0640This winter the river was not yet frozen over by mid-December. Today as we celebrate the baptism of Jesus,  flowing waters of grace are on my mind. We read in the  The Gospel of Luke that John was baptizing people with water, but one who is more powerful was coming. Jesus would baptize people with the Holy Spirit and fire. When Jesus is baptized,  he prays, the heavens open, and the Holy Spirit descends upon him in the form of a dove. A voice from heaven is heard saying, “You are my Son, the Beloved; with you I am well pleased.”

Through our baptism, we are all named priest, prophet, and king. With these roles come a certain responsibility. Last night at the federal prison after we had celebrated mass, I had the opportunity to talk  with an inmate who took the role of prophet seriously. I had not seen him in over a year. It turns out  that he has begun to evangelize his peers, as well as some of the staff. This behavior led him to being beat up by some of the other inmates  and hospitalized for a brief time. Between my illness and his situation our paths had not crossed. I listened to him tell his story about what had been going on with him in the months that I had not seen him and then he asked how I was.   I told him about my illness and he expressed concern for me. At one point, he looked at the clock and said that in the five minutes that were left that he would like to pray for me. I agreed.

I believe that Grace appears when it should, unexpectedly and just at the right moment. Sometimes the grace-bearer is not what  we envision. God can have a great sense of humor. There I was in the prison chapel  being ministered to instead of being the one ministering. The inmate apologize to me that he could not lay hands on me because he knew that physical contact is frowned upon and so he bowed his head  and expressed a beautiful prayer for my healing. I was deeply moved by his prayer and his compassion. I believe that God was well pleased with his son last night.  Keep an eye out for the Grace that flows from Living Waters. You just never know when or how it will appear.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

How seriously do you take the roles given to you by your baptism of priest, prophet, and king?

How has Grace appeared to you in the past?

Prayer

Mat the Grace  that flows from Living Waters pour out over us and bless us in our roles as priest, prophet, and King.  May we be open to the graces that You wish us to receive,  no matter how unexpectedly they arrive and no matter who delivers them. Amen.

 

Posted in #BibleStories, #CancerSurvivor, #Consolation, #Miracles, #prayer, Catholic, Christian, Faith, Ignatian, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

We Win!

Posted on January 9, 2016 by sstyves

IMG_6325[1]

I woke up early this morning–early by my standards on this journey. In trying to listen to a song from David Bowie’s new release, I somehow stumbled into my playlist instead and came across a couple of songs that were a pure gift for me. Thank God for technology, even when it does not behave according to our wants. It did fill my needs this morning. I had had a roller coaster day recently, trying to fill out forms for long-term disability which meant I had to look at the worst case scenario for me.  What if chemo did not work? What if I cannot return to work? What  if, what if, what if?  The question can haunt you if you let it.  I try not to let it.

Today’s lack of techno-savviness (yes, I realize that is probably not a word) led me right to where God desired me. On my playlist I have two very different songs that bring me peace. Well, I probably have more than that but this morning Natalie Grant’s In the End had me bopping around. You can give it a listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLHe0W9Q1Rk .  I had spoken to a friend out in British Columbia last night who reassured me that there was no worst case scenario for me. I agreed. This is the stance that I have always taken. As much as I want to live, I still win if I do not. As believers, we all win in the end. Our forever is sealed, Natalie sings. All the cliches that have been offered to me in this past year still point in good directions and my eyes have never left my Saviour.

The second song is by Peter Mayer, Holy Now. As I begin to look forward in life, I wonder how these past 12 months will change me. This song says it best. For a long time, I have looked for the every day miracles in life but now I hope that I will see more clearly that everything is holy now. I love the lyrics to this song. The song is here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfLI1l_Pda4 and these words challenge me:

So the challenging thing becomes
Not to look for miracles
But finding where there isn’t one

A part of me never wants to take for granted anything any more. I recently was out at a retreat house for a couple of nights while the owners were away. When one of them asked me how I had spent the morning, I replied that I had sat in the rocking chair for about 30 minutes after my prayer time, observing the sunlight glint on the snow. I breathed in deeply as the light turned snow into shiny gems as it danced across the yard. We hardly make time to watch the Gift before us. I want to make time.

Everything is holy now. What a Gift we have if we can begin to understand that. We would win here and now. We would win any way we look at the what if questions.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

Which what if question is tormenting you these days? Can you surrender it to God?
If you truly understood that everything was holy now, how would that change your day-to-day living?

Prayer

What if, God, we understood that we win? What if we grasped that everything was holy now? The glint of light on snow diamonds, the brilliant red of fallen leaves, the smell of freshly baked bread, the laugh of a child, the conversation with a colleague, the chance to serve You every minute of every day should bring us to our knees in adoration. Help us to understand, Creator, that we win. Amen.

Posted in #CancerSurvivor, #Consolation, #Miracles, #prayer, Catholic, Christian, Faith, Ignatian, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Walking on the Sea

Posted on January 6, 2016 by sstyves

IMG_0247 (2)

In Mark 6 today, Jesus is walking on the sea early in the morning towards his disciples who are struggling alone in the boat because of an adverse wind. He actually was not going to stop, the Gospel tells us; he intended to pass them by.  He might have just been going to calm the sea and continue on his way in prayer. They happened to catch sight of this creature though and thought it was a ghost. They were terrified. His cover blown, he reached out compassionately to them, with these words:  Take heart, it is I; do not be afraid. Nonchalantly, perhaps, he simply joins them in the boat, this man who had been out for an early morning stroll on the sea. When he does, the wind ceases. Needless to say, they were utterly astounded. Wouldn’t we be too?

This Jesus who we choose to follow is not predictable on many levels.  He is on one: His love and mercy will always win out. I am sure he might have wanted a few extra hours to himself on that morning, wild and unruly as the elements were.  Instead when he realizes that he has frightened the poor disciples, he identifies himself and tells them not to be afraid.  Jesus does not mean to scare us.

These past 12 months for me have felt a little like being in that boat. I imagine that when they set out, the disciples thought it was safe to do so. They had read the signs, pushed away from shore and assumed they would reach their destination without incident. They had left their Master on top of a mountain in prayer. When the wind picked up and the waves lashed at the boat, they strained at the oars and I am sure in the struggle wished that the Master was with them so he could bail them out. The boat, we are told, is at sea and Jesus is alone on the land. It does not say if he was still up on the mountaintop and could see the little boat being tossed around or if he was on the shore, and could make out that all was not well. What it does say in Mark, who never minces words, is when he saw that they were straining…he came.

Jesus, it appears, was keeping his eye on his friends and the moment all was not well, he came to them. Even before they thought to ask….even before they knew how much trouble was coming.  Especially in prayer, Jesus kept his friends in his heart. This, this, is the Jesus I know. I do not need to know how he had time to go up and down a mountaintop and how he walked on a raging sea. All that is important is that his eye is on me. Pretty simple. I do not need to be afraid. I am not saying that in these past 12 months, fear has not chased me down. Quite the contrary! I am saying that when I finally see that Jesus has caught up with me and my panic, that I too can be utterly astounded. I still need to learn that this Jesus is watching from the land, his gaze ever on me. He will do whatever it takes to reach me in my storm. Sometimes I know this completely. Some days I forget it. I take heart in the Gospel today, knowing that my Saviour has this and is ever faithful to me.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reflection Questions

When did you experience a time of struggle when Jesus’ eye was on you?

What is predictable to you about Jesus?

Prayer

You who created the sea and walked upon it,

You who created us and calm us in the storm,

You are ever-faithful, keeping an eye on us,

arriving before we even know we are in over our heads.

You, dear Saviour, help us to take heart and not be afraid.

Thank you for sea-ing us.

Amen.

Posted in #BibleStories, #CancerSurvivor, #Consolation, #Desolation, #Miracles, #prayer, Catholic, Christian, Faith, Ignatian, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments